Well I'm starting to take more of a stand in my life.
My work is having it's annual meeting this week and I stood up for myself and told H I was not driving back and forth all week. I end up leaving the conference at 10, driving an hour home and then have to be up at 5, get ready and leave and get back to conference by 7:30. I was exhausted last year. Work offers all office staff in our group to spend the night and this year I took them up on it. While H is having a fit over it.
I know we are not in a good place in our marriage, but he keeps saying things like "I know you'll be out drinking and partying all night" and other comments that are rude. He keeps complaining about me staying and saying he doesn't trust me or the people I'm around.
So I've said that I will check in all day...and when i get in my room at night...I don't know what else to do to help him.
I am at the end of my rope here. Barely hanging on. he doesn't see himself as being controlling; says all of his control issues are due to me not meeting his needs. He says that if I could meet his needs, everything would be fine. He is not controlling at all.
Well if he isn't controlling, then why does he track me on my phone everytime I'm out? If I'm with the kids, he doesn't, but if I'm out with friends or alone, tracks me. I know because it sends me a message every time he does it. Now he set up the "find my iPhone" so I don't know when he does it. I have yet to be somewhere I shouldn't...because I am doing nothing wrong!!! UGH
This message has been edited by deedeemommy on Feb 12, 2012 2:31 PM
Your H is unbelievably controlling. I'll bet, too, that every controller completely denies being controlling. You have NEVER given him a reason to doubt you. I'm sure that having lived with his behaviors for so long, standing up to him is a huge challenge for you, but for your sake, you know it is exactly what you need to do, both for you and for your children. You know you do not want your kids to think his behavior is normal or healthy because it is NOT.
IMO, the sooner you are out of this marriage the better. Your H doesn't seem to want to do the work on himself that would make him healthier and happier and in the process a much better partner. He continues to blameshift and accuse. I know that you are at the end of your rope with him. Sorry sweetie.
I agree with the others, if he's not in this marriage 100% and after all this time, hasn't started working on it, then taking a stand is the right thing to do.
It takes a lot to stand up for yourself and it actually was the A that taught me to do that even more. I use to argue before that, but afterwards, if it was that important to me and the children, then I did what I felt was right. It sounds like you are doing the same thing.
I know this is hard and I'll be praying and thinking about you.
While I am not in any position to comment on the deeper issues going on here, in general some of the behavior seems to be commonly experienced by couples after infidelity. For example, going on over-night work trips is often met with anxiety and fear. However, this fear can be felt anytime the couple is separated. In addition, while it may seem normal for the betrayed spouse to feel this fear, is also experienced by wayward spouses.
In my case, the fear I felt was primarily over my wife renewing contact while she was not being "monitored". During the first two or three weeks after D-day I made arrangements so that my wife would not never be alone in our house without an adult who knew about the affair. During the first week this was me, then the second was her parents, and finally she was with my parents during the third week. This gave me peace of mind, and it insured that when contact was attempted as I expected (which did occur), someone would be there to insure that my wife would not "be nice" and carry on a conversation with the OM.
However, after this period we had to resume a "normal" life, which left her alone in our home during the workday. While we had changed nearly all of our contact (email was canceled, phone number was changed, etc.) it was very nerve wracking for me, and I was very anxious that the OM might come to our house, or find another way to contact her. I also feared that she would decide to contact him. When she left the house she also took a child with her, which helped assure me that she was less likely to meet him or talk to him while she was out.
In addition to my fear, my wife also experienced fear when we were apart. I believe her fears were (1) that I would leave, (2) that the OM would visit her while I was out, and (3) that I'd start my own affair. I think her reactions were "logical" in that she knew that she'd created the circumstances where each of these was a possibility.
When I had to work out of town for a full week, even several years after the affair was over, we both wanted her to come with me during that week. It certainly helped to keep both of us calm during that period. If I could have used her cell phone to track her location, I probably would have used it (and she would likely have encouraged me to do this).
I realize that the circumstances in Dee's marriage may be too different to relate to my experience, but I wanted to share my experience for those who are struggling with a situation that is similar to mine.
YAY for Dee!!!! If the conference was in another state would he require you to be home every night? Puuuuuuuuuleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaase!
My now XH made some wild accusations whilst we were still trying to work things out. I tearfully discussed the accusations with my IC wondering where XH could get such ideas that I might do these things he was accusing me of since I had never done them in the past, the accusations were out of character for me and XH knew it. IC simply replied that generally when accusations are without cause or a past history it is generally something that person has thought of doing or done in the past.
"he keeps saying things like "I know you'll be out drinking and partying all night" and other comments that are rude" Where are these comments coming from? I have a pretty good idea and I would lay it back on his doorstep.
Dee it is NORMAL to go out to dinner and socialize with colleagues in the evening after conference are done for the day. There is even a name for it....NETWORKING! You are doing nothing wrong and you have nothing to hide. This is his neurosis, not yours. Do not let him ruin your week.
My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny. ~Elaine Maxwell~
Wow. It has been 5 months since my D Day and this really brought something to mind for me. About a month before one of my husbands many affairs, one of our neighbors came over to see if his daughter could ride the bus with our daughter one morning who was in the same class. We weren't close neighbors and that is why he came over and didn't call because he didn't have our phone number. We just know them from events at school and birthday parties and such. Anyway - My husband went nuts and started yelling at me as to why he came over and why didn't he just call. He started accusing me of seeing this guy and thought that we had something going. I didn't know what to say. He made me feel so guilty about it and I felt like I should feel guilty when in reality nothing at all was going on! I mean I didn't even know the guys name!
So I see where you are coming from! I knew in my gut that nothing at all was my fault but I couldn't quite put my finger on it why my husband would get so mad at that and act so irrational. Now it makes sense!
Hope you are doing OK. You know in your heart and conscience that you are doing nothing wrong!
Well the conference was good...I was in my room before 10 Tues/Wed and Thursday by 11. It was good networking, and it was nice to not have to drive an hour south and then be up at 5 to drive back. For me, it made it convenient and accomodating. For him it wasn't. You would think I was the one that had strayed and had the A. The phone was tracked every day I was there, several times and when I came home friday he suggested I could have come home to sleep since I was in by 10 two nights.
I read everyone's thoughts, and Tom, i totally understand where you are coming from. When H had to travel back to GA where OW lives, I would hyperventilate. I went with him the one time and when I found out they talked and connected while I was at the hotel waiting for him, I didn't go again. It didn't matter. There was nothing he could do to make me secure, because he could still do it when I was there. I had to simply ignore it. Not trust, ignore.
Well he doesn't trust me and it's prevalent. The iPhone feature was used Monday night when I was at dance class....I was actually disappointed the other tracking mechanism wasn't used, and when I signed into the iPhone one, low an behold the last track was there....the address for class. I am treated worse than our 17 yr olds...we don't even use it for them or their brother. Really.
So here we are...separated in the house, all of my emotional and physical doors closed....and he is pushing so hard I can barely breathe some days.....
Hooray for you for following your plan and sticking to it despite your H's controlling behavior.
Nothing has changed...it's still all about him--his wants, his needs.
Well actually, it appears something has changed---you. For the better. I, for one, take your refusal to kowtow to his ridiculous demands as a positive step for YOU!
He's not the first controlling person ever, of course, but seems interesting how much control he wants/needs to exert over others, especially you, when he is unable to control the one person whom he should be controlling--himself.
I sense this is going to be a good year for you. Keep looking out for yourself and your kids.
You must have known I was thinking about you this morning as you posted an update. Your H doesn't seem to have changed a bit. Sorry sweetie. I am glad to see you seem stronger and more in control of yourself and more determined to stand up for yourself.
I am so proud of you in taking control of your life. My heart goes out to you with what you are dealing with. You are responsible for yourself and know when you are doing nothing wrong. The one that needs to do the controlling has one of two problems. Either, he's insecure and feels the need to control everything and everyone in his life. Or, he is guilty and knows what can happen, thus he needs to be in control of you, as he knows all the things that can take place.
I lived with a control freak, but since my H affair, NO MORE! That is the only good thing that came from what he did and put me through. He controlled my life and our children for over 25 years and I let him, since he earned the money and I was raised to think that the man was in charge of the home.
I grew up after the affair, he would never control me again and hasn't. I fought to stand up for myself during those first 25 years, but got tired of arguing and sometimes would just give in. Not anymore, I do what I feel is right for me, not allow him to tell me if I can be in the choir and not be home with him that night.
Like Tom, I was concerned about where my H was after the A and would feel such anxiety. If I called the office and he didn't answer or was late getting home, I would question him. I didn't live in the age of so many gadgets that would help you track your husband, I wish I had. He tried to let me know where he was most of the time and now looking back on it, I should have been more concerned. I feel that they were communicating and getting their stories straight. If I had been more diligent, I might have known that and checked up on him more. Now, I'll never know.
But Denise, what your doing is what you should do. Don't put up with anything anymore and it looks like your not. Your a grown woman and shouldn't have to account to anyone for your time or where you are, unless it affects the children.
I remember my poor Mom. We lived out in the country, she was in her 50's or 60's, don't remember. She didn't know how to drive and couldn't get anywhere any way, as we only had one car. One in a while, when she was outside working in the yard, the man next store would say Hi, she would respond back. He was a nice person, married with children and just being a nice neighbor. Their was a fence between them and my Mom wouldn't have ever fooled around, for heaven sakes, she had 6 children to look after and wouldn't have the time anyway. My point is, Dad, saw her one weekend (he was home) just talking to the guy at the fence and he got livid and accused her of fooling around and told her that she wasn't to not speak to him again. My Mom, then avoided all contact with him, even though she was friends with his wife.
So guess who was fooling around during this time, my Dad. See, he was guilty and his conscious told him what could happen. He had at least 3 affairs on my Mom (bless her) and she didn't know for a while, but discovered a love note in his pocket on the last one. That's when she had him move out. My Dad was till seeing woman the last year before my Mom died, even though he swore he wasn't. My Mom knew, but she didn't have any choice, someone had to live with her as she wasn't capable of living my herself anymore. He was dating another woman, within 2 weeks after Mom died, I think it was the same one he had before she died. My Dad, never stopped and even at 91 has to have a woman in his life. He won't even move to where we live for us to help him, he would have to leave her. It's all so sick to me that he has to have a woman in his life. I know, not that it's right, he's a very insecure person.
Didn't mean to make this so long, I have a bad habit of that. But he did try and control my Mom, even though he was having affairs. The happiest day's of Mom's life and she was in her 70's, was when she made Dad leave and she had TOTAL FREEDOM TO DO WHAT SHE WANTED! That will happen for you Denise and you will know the joy of that, if you choose to do so.
My heart goes out to you, I know how difficult it is get motivated and make a life changing decision re leaving/staying..It is more than scary to start the war with WS that filing for divorce brings but it is equally difficult dealing with the feelings of shame that each day of staying with an abusive unremorseful spouse brings..
I am feeling frozen and ashamed by my lack of taking action in my case... I know I need to find a way to build up more faith in myself, bolster my confidence and take the first step..I wish I could see into the future and know that things would be better for me on my own even if I have to give up a big measure of my hard earned financial security..
As Linda's story about her parents illustrates, one can lose their best time window to leave! It is easy to sink into a deep depression and lose the courage it takes to leave if one waits too long..
Tuesday night he confronted me and asked if I was turning off the find my iPhone feature on my phone. I haven't been. I asked why and he admitted he'd been using it "a few times" to find out if I was where I said i was. I sat there. I wasn't sure if I should drop the fact that i knew he was tracking me in other methods. So Friday night I did...I told him I knew he was tracking me and had been for the last few months. He said he does it only for security, that it was his way of feeling secure and i should just get over it. Get over it. it was the last straw. I told him I couldn't do this anymore and he asked what that meant. I said I can't do it...can you? He said he can do it and that i needed to explain what, " I can't do this anymore" meant. I said I can't....he said just say it.
So i did
I said I wanted a divorce.
We were in a parking lot nearby, out of the house...away from everyone.
We sat in silence for 15 minutes. He then got mad and let it lose on me verbally...and wasn't as bad as I thought he would be.
He wants more time. He wants me to give more time he wants me to give myself 100% to him and try harder. He refuses to accept that I am done. I can't seem to get him to understand.
I don't know how to continue this. He keeps hugging me, kissing me, and keeps asking me to open up to him and continue trying.
Right now I have a headache the size of Texas and I'm hyped up on medication to try and get rid of it...this is a mess. A total mess.
I don't know how to continue this...I can't continue this. I feel like I'm screaming and no one is listening to me...screaming loud...and no one is hearing me! What the heck??
He then started the guilt. How can I do this to the kids, how can I have the boy deal with us splitting up and the girls leaving for college; how can I have the girls deal with leaving for college, us splitting and them leaving their brother....how can I? How can I do this? How can I deal with selling the house and moving somewhere smaller or renting an apartment...what am I thinking? I am being selfish and thinking only of myself...what is wrong with me?
What is wrong with me?
I am such a mess...not even sure I'm going to work the next couple of days - I may take some time off....I don't know.
I have an IC appointment tomorrow at 9pm.....maybe he'll have some insight.....
anyone else want to weigh in????
I'm so sorry to hear of this latest thing you are dealing with! It sounds like you have made a choice and that's not a bad thing! No wonder you have a terrible headache. You've finally taken a DEFINITE STAND AND THAT'S NOT BAD! It doesn't seem that it's working out for the two of you and it's not getting any better, only worse.
I am listening, as I am sure others on HH are doing the same. The guilt doesn't deserve to be put on you, so don't let him do that to you. Turn him off! The children don't need this either, so you will be doing them a favor. Will it be easy in the beginning for any of you, probably not, but it sure will be better then the life you have now.
You just need to get away from him and the stress. Will he leave or are you going to have to find a place? You are just going to have to make that move, if he won't. You need some peace from this, before you have a nervous breakdown and he's not worth it. Think of yourself, okay!
I'll be thinking and praying for you. Stay strong, try and rest if possible for that headache in a darn room with some ice on your head. I'm sure your IC will be able to help you tomorrow.
Tell him to stay away from you, you don't have to put up with his advances if you don't want them. It's your body and you have control of it.
God Bless you and just know that we are all here for you.
Reread what you posted. Once again, everything is about him. From what you describe, everything is "how could YOU do this?"
Well what about him... how could he do what he did..and then what he continues to do..which is to turn everything into what have you done for him lately.
You have done nothing wrong. Will divorce be tough on the kids..probably yes, but others have successfully navigated the problems and I'm sure you both can, too. That is, if he's really willing to put their interests ahead of his.
Good for you. He's had a "hearing" problem for years. You've told him time and again what you've wanted and what you've needed. And all he's done is ignored you and turned it onto himself--into what he's needed or wanted.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME! Repeat that to yourself each morning.
Both of you are an inspiration to me in how to deal with this mess!
The solution to getting out of this mess may appear simple and obvious to those who haven't had this experience..
In my case, I know without a doubt what I want to do ( divorce )....
I haven't taken any legal steps yet..I think I am going to hire one of the lawyers that I interviewed earlier in the year..I want to file soon after income taxes are filed for the year. I hope I can get the courage and strength to carry this out!
If you haven't done this already, try to get 1/2 of your joint savings into a bank account of your own! Also get some legal advice if you haven't already..Doing these things made me feel like I took a good giant step towards protecting myself..
I'm not sure I did a good job of it, but I moved some money out of MY 401 K into a bank account that nobody can access but me.. Enough money for getting into a place(rental) and very basic rudimentary furnishings, lawyer retainer..I feel secure in having that money there, even though I don't know exactly what my time frame will be for getting my own place!