Well I'm starting to take more of a stand in my life.
My work is having it's annual meeting this week and I stood up for myself and told H I was not driving back and forth all week. I end up leaving the conference at 10, driving an hour home and then have to be up at 5, get ready and leave and get back to conference by 7:30. I was exhausted last year. Work offers all office staff in our group to spend the night and this year I took them up on it. While H is having a fit over it.
I know we are not in a good place in our marriage, but he keeps saying things like "I know you'll be out drinking and partying all night" and other comments that are rude. He keeps complaining about me staying and saying he doesn't trust me or the people I'm around.
So I've said that I will check in all day...and when i get in my room at night...I don't know what else to do to help him.
I am at the end of my rope here. Barely hanging on. he doesn't see himself as being controlling; says all of his control issues are due to me not meeting his needs. He says that if I could meet his needs, everything would be fine. He is not controlling at all.
Well if he isn't controlling, then why does he track me on my phone everytime I'm out? If I'm with the kids, he doesn't, but if I'm out with friends or alone, tracks me. I know because it sends me a message every time he does it. Now he set up the "find my iPhone" so I don't know when he does it. I have yet to be somewhere I shouldn't...because I am doing nothing wrong!!! UGH
This message has been edited by deedeemommy on Feb 12, 2012 2:31 PM This message has been edited by deedeemommy on Jan 9, 2012 10:46 PM
Your H is unbelievably controlling. I'll bet, too, that every controller completely denies being controlling. You have NEVER given him a reason to doubt you. I'm sure that having lived with his behaviors for so long, standing up to him is a huge challenge for you, but for your sake, you know it is exactly what you need to do, both for you and for your children. You know you do not want your kids to think his behavior is normal or healthy because it is NOT.
IMO, the sooner you are out of this marriage the better. Your H doesn't seem to want to do the work on himself that would make him healthier and happier and in the process a much better partner. He continues to blameshift and accuse. I know that you are at the end of your rope with him. Sorry sweetie.
I agree with the others, if he's not in this marriage 100% and after all this time, hasn't started working on it, then taking a stand is the right thing to do.
It takes a lot to stand up for yourself and it actually was the A that taught me to do that even more. I use to argue before that, but afterwards, if it was that important to me and the children, then I did what I felt was right. It sounds like you are doing the same thing.
I know this is hard and I'll be praying and thinking about you.
While I am not in any position to comment on the deeper issues going on here, in general some of the behavior seems to be commonly experienced by couples after infidelity. For example, going on over-night work trips is often met with anxiety and fear. However, this fear can be felt anytime the couple is separated. In addition, while it may seem normal for the betrayed spouse to feel this fear, is also experienced by wayward spouses.
In my case, the fear I felt was primarily over my wife renewing contact while she was not being "monitored". During the first two or three weeks after D-day I made arrangements so that my wife would not never be alone in our house without an adult who knew about the affair. During the first week this was me, then the second was her parents, and finally she was with my parents during the third week. This gave me peace of mind, and it insured that when contact was attempted as I expected (which did occur), someone would be there to insure that my wife would not "be nice" and carry on a conversation with the OM.
However, after this period we had to resume a "normal" life, which left her alone in our home during the workday. While we had changed nearly all of our contact (email was canceled, phone number was changed, etc.) it was very nerve wracking for me, and I was very anxious that the OM might come to our house, or find another way to contact her. I also feared that she would decide to contact him. When she left the house she also took a child with her, which helped assure me that she was less likely to meet him or talk to him while she was out.
In addition to my fear, my wife also experienced fear when we were apart. I believe her fears were (1) that I would leave, (2) that the OM would visit her while I was out, and (3) that I'd start my own affair. I think her reactions were "logical" in that she knew that she'd created the circumstances where each of these was a possibility.
When I had to work out of town for a full week, even several years after the affair was over, we both wanted her to come with me during that week. It certainly helped to keep both of us calm during that period. If I could have used her cell phone to track her location, I probably would have used it (and she would likely have encouraged me to do this).
I realize that the circumstances in Dee's marriage may be too different to relate to my experience, but I wanted to share my experience for those who are struggling with a situation that is similar to mine.
YAY for Dee!!!! If the conference was in another state would he require you to be home every night? Puuuuuuuuuleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaase!
My now XH made some wild accusations whilst we were still trying to work things out. I tearfully discussed the accusations with my IC wondering where XH could get such ideas that I might do these things he was accusing me of since I had never done them in the past, the accusations were out of character for me and XH knew it. IC simply replied that generally when accusations are without cause or a past history it is generally something that person has thought of doing or done in the past.
"he keeps saying things like "I know you'll be out drinking and partying all night" and other comments that are rude" Where are these comments coming from? I have a pretty good idea and I would lay it back on his doorstep.
Dee it is NORMAL to go out to dinner and socialize with colleagues in the evening after conference are done for the day. There is even a name for it....NETWORKING! You are doing nothing wrong and you have nothing to hide. This is his neurosis, not yours. Do not let him ruin your week.
My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny. ~Elaine Maxwell~
Wow. It has been 5 months since my D Day and this really brought something to mind for me. About a month before one of my husbands many affairs, one of our neighbors came over to see if his daughter could ride the bus with our daughter one morning who was in the same class. We weren't close neighbors and that is why he came over and didn't call because he didn't have our phone number. We just know them from events at school and birthday parties and such. Anyway - My husband went nuts and started yelling at me as to why he came over and why didn't he just call. He started accusing me of seeing this guy and thought that we had something going. I didn't know what to say. He made me feel so guilty about it and I felt like I should feel guilty when in reality nothing at all was going on! I mean I didn't even know the guys name!
So I see where you are coming from! I knew in my gut that nothing at all was my fault but I couldn't quite put my finger on it why my husband would get so mad at that and act so irrational. Now it makes sense!
Hope you are doing OK. You know in your heart and conscience that you are doing nothing wrong!
Well the conference was good...I was in my room before 10 Tues/Wed and Thursday by 11. It was good networking, and it was nice to not have to drive an hour south and then be up at 5 to drive back. For me, it made it convenient and accomodating. For him it wasn't. You would think I was the one that had strayed and had the A. The phone was tracked every day I was there, several times and when I came home friday he suggested I could have come home to sleep since I was in by 10 two nights.
I read everyone's thoughts, and Tom, i totally understand where you are coming from. When H had to travel back to GA where OW lives, I would hyperventilate. I went with him the one time and when I found out they talked and connected while I was at the hotel waiting for him, I didn't go again. It didn't matter. There was nothing he could do to make me secure, because he could still do it when I was there. I had to simply ignore it. Not trust, ignore.
Well he doesn't trust me and it's prevalent. The iPhone feature was used Monday night when I was at dance class....I was actually disappointed the other tracking mechanism wasn't used, and when I signed into the iPhone one, low an behold the last track was there....the address for class. I am treated worse than our 17 yr olds...we don't even use it for them or their brother. Really.
So here we are...separated in the house, all of my emotional and physical doors closed....and he is pushing so hard I can barely breathe some days.....
Hooray for you for following your plan and sticking to it despite your H's controlling behavior.
Nothing has changed...it's still all about him--his wants, his needs.
Well actually, it appears something has changed---you. For the better. I, for one, take your refusal to kowtow to his ridiculous demands as a positive step for YOU!
He's not the first controlling person ever, of course, but seems interesting how much control he wants/needs to exert over others, especially you, when he is unable to control the one person whom he should be controlling--himself.
I sense this is going to be a good year for you. Keep looking out for yourself and your kids.
You must have known I was thinking about you this morning as you posted an update. Your H doesn't seem to have changed a bit. Sorry sweetie. I am glad to see you seem stronger and more in control of yourself and more determined to stand up for yourself.
I am so proud of you in taking control of your life. My heart goes out to you with what you are dealing with. You are responsible for yourself and know when you are doing nothing wrong. The one that needs to do the controlling has one of two problems. Either, he's insecure and feels the need to control everything and everyone in his life. Or, he is guilty and knows what can happen, thus he needs to be in control of you, as he knows all the things that can take place.
I lived with a control freak, but since my H affair, NO MORE! That is the only good thing that came from what he did and put me through. He controlled my life and our children for over 25 years and I let him, since he earned the money and I was raised to think that the man was in charge of the home.
I grew up after the affair, he would never control me again and hasn't. I fought to stand up for myself during those first 25 years, but got tired of arguing and sometimes would just give in. Not anymore, I do what I feel is right for me, not allow him to tell me if I can be in the choir and not be home with him that night.
Like Tom, I was concerned about where my H was after the A and would feel such anxiety. If I called the office and he didn't answer or was late getting home, I would question him. I didn't live in the age of so many gadgets that would help you track your husband, I wish I had. He tried to let me know where he was most of the time and now looking back on it, I should have been more concerned. I feel that they were communicating and getting their stories straight. If I had been more diligent, I might have known that and checked up on him more. Now, I'll never know.
But Denise, what your doing is what you should do. Don't put up with anything anymore and it looks like your not. Your a grown woman and shouldn't have to account to anyone for your time or where you are, unless it affects the children.
I remember my poor Mom. We lived out in the country, she was in her 50's or 60's, don't remember. She didn't know how to drive and couldn't get anywhere any way, as we only had one car. One in a while, when she was outside working in the yard, the man next store would say Hi, she would respond back. He was a nice person, married with children and just being a nice neighbor. Their was a fence between them and my Mom wouldn't have ever fooled around, for heaven sakes, she had 6 children to look after and wouldn't have the time anyway. My point is, Dad, saw her one weekend (he was home) just talking to the guy at the fence and he got livid and accused her of fooling around and told her that she wasn't to not speak to him again. My Mom, then avoided all contact with him, even though she was friends with his wife.
So guess who was fooling around during this time, my Dad. See, he was guilty and his conscious told him what could happen. He had at least 3 affairs on my Mom (bless her) and she didn't know for a while, but discovered a love note in his pocket on the last one. That's when she had him move out. My Dad was till seeing woman the last year before my Mom died, even though he swore he wasn't. My Mom knew, but she didn't have any choice, someone had to live with her as she wasn't capable of living my herself anymore. He was dating another woman, within 2 weeks after Mom died, I think it was the same one he had before she died. My Dad, never stopped and even at 91 has to have a woman in his life. He won't even move to where we live for us to help him, he would have to leave her. It's all so sick to me that he has to have a woman in his life. I know, not that it's right, he's a very insecure person.
Didn't mean to make this so long, I have a bad habit of that. But he did try and control my Mom, even though he was having affairs. The happiest day's of Mom's life and she was in her 70's, was when she made Dad leave and she had TOTAL FREEDOM TO DO WHAT SHE WANTED! That will happen for you Denise and you will know the joy of that, if you choose to do so.
My heart goes out to you, I know how difficult it is get motivated and make a life changing decision re leaving/staying..It is more than scary to start the war with WS that filing for divorce brings but it is equally difficult dealing with the feelings of shame that each day of staying with an abusive unremorseful spouse brings..
I am feeling frozen and ashamed by my lack of taking action in my case... I know I need to find a way to build up more faith in myself, bolster my confidence and take the first step..I wish I could see into the future and know that things would be better for me on my own even if I have to give up a big measure of my hard earned financial security..
As Linda's story about her parents illustrates, one can lose their best time window to leave! It is easy to sink into a deep depression and lose the courage it takes to leave if one waits too long..
Tuesday night he confronted me and asked if I was turning off the find my iPhone feature on my phone. I haven't been. I asked why and he admitted he'd been using it "a few times" to find out if I was where I said i was. I sat there. I wasn't sure if I should drop the fact that i knew he was tracking me in other methods. So Friday night I did...I told him I knew he was tracking me and had been for the last few months. He said he does it only for security, that it was his way of feeling secure and i should just get over it. Get over it. it was the last straw. I told him I couldn't do this anymore and he asked what that meant. I said I can't do it...can you? He said he can do it and that i needed to explain what, " I can't do this anymore" meant. I said I can't....he said just say it.
So i did
I said I wanted a divorce.
We were in a parking lot nearby, out of the house...away from everyone.
We sat in silence for 15 minutes. He then got mad and let it lose on me verbally...and wasn't as bad as I thought he would be.
He wants more time. He wants me to give more time he wants me to give myself 100% to him and try harder. He refuses to accept that I am done. I can't seem to get him to understand.
I don't know how to continue this. He keeps hugging me, kissing me, and keeps asking me to open up to him and continue trying.
Right now I have a headache the size of Texas and I'm hyped up on medication to try and get rid of it...this is a mess. A total mess.
I don't know how to continue this...I can't continue this. I feel like I'm screaming and no one is listening to me...screaming loud...and no one is hearing me! What the heck??
He then started the guilt. How can I do this to the kids, how can I have the boy deal with us splitting up and the girls leaving for college; how can I have the girls deal with leaving for college, us splitting and them leaving their brother....how can I? How can I do this? How can I deal with selling the house and moving somewhere smaller or renting an apartment...what am I thinking? I am being selfish and thinking only of myself...what is wrong with me?
What is wrong with me?
I am such a mess...not even sure I'm going to work the next couple of days - I may take some time off....I don't know.
I have an IC appointment tomorrow at 9pm.....maybe he'll have some insight.....
anyone else want to weigh in????
I'm so sorry to hear of this latest thing you are dealing with! It sounds like you have made a choice and that's not a bad thing! No wonder you have a terrible headache. You've finally taken a DEFINITE STAND AND THAT'S NOT BAD! It doesn't seem that it's working out for the two of you and it's not getting any better, only worse.
I am listening, as I am sure others on HH are doing the same. The guilt doesn't deserve to be put on you, so don't let him do that to you. Turn him off! The children don't need this either, so you will be doing them a favor. Will it be easy in the beginning for any of you, probably not, but it sure will be better then the life you have now.
You just need to get away from him and the stress. Will he leave or are you going to have to find a place? You are just going to have to make that move, if he won't. You need some peace from this, before you have a nervous breakdown and he's not worth it. Think of yourself, okay!
I'll be thinking and praying for you. Stay strong, try and rest if possible for that headache in a darn room with some ice on your head. I'm sure your IC will be able to help you tomorrow.
Tell him to stay away from you, you don't have to put up with his advances if you don't want them. It's your body and you have control of it.
God Bless you and just know that we are all here for you.
Reread what you posted. Once again, everything is about him. From what you describe, everything is "how could YOU do this?"
Well what about him... how could he do what he did..and then what he continues to do..which is to turn everything into what have you done for him lately.
You have done nothing wrong. Will divorce be tough on the kids..probably yes, but others have successfully navigated the problems and I'm sure you both can, too. That is, if he's really willing to put their interests ahead of his.
Good for you. He's had a "hearing" problem for years. You've told him time and again what you've wanted and what you've needed. And all he's done is ignored you and turned it onto himself--into what he's needed or wanted.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME! Repeat that to yourself each morning.
Both of you are an inspiration to me in how to deal with this mess!
The solution to getting out of this mess may appear simple and obvious to those who haven't had this experience..
In my case, I know without a doubt what I want to do ( divorce )....
I haven't taken any legal steps yet..I think I am going to hire one of the lawyers that I interviewed earlier in the year..I want to file soon after income taxes are filed for the year. I hope I can get the courage and strength to carry this out!
If you haven't done this already, try to get 1/2 of your joint savings into a bank account of your own! Also get some legal advice if you haven't already..Doing these things made me feel like I took a good giant step towards protecting myself..
I'm not sure I did a good job of it, but I moved some money out of MY 401 K into a bank account that nobody can access but me.. Enough money for getting into a place(rental) and very basic rudimentary furnishings, lawyer retainer..I feel secure in having that money there, even though I don't know exactly what my time frame will be for getting my own place!
It's so good to see you on here, as I was so worried, you didn't sound good at all. You are on the right track, will it be easy, No, but you can do it.
I'll write more later, just wanted to mention one thing that I've heard also. You've gotten some money into your own account, watch his, as he could be starting to with-draw his and then when things start happening it will be gone. Even do an e-mail of what is in their very frequently, as proof of what he is taking out.
One last thing, get a credit card in your own name only and establish credit. I've heard this is very important.
Will write more later, have ultrasound to get done.
I told you that I would get back with you, as I did want to say a couple more things.
I agree with Len also, he put it very well. Stuck, not sure if I am an inspiration to anyone, but I do thank you for the compliment.
Denise, I hope that your IC was able to help you today and give you some constructive advice that will help you right now.
You are all you've got, except for your precious children, who deserve you at your best. The first step is never the easiest, but I really feel that once you make it, if that's your decision, you will be better. It's the walking out the door that is hard, but once you close it, you'll feel such a sense of relief.
Repeat to yourself what Len said, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, over and over again. You are a special person and you deserve better. Someday you will see the sunshine again.
I hope today and tonight is a little bit better for you. I'll keep you in my prayers, God Bless and Hugs.
When I read your post what went through my mind was that your H doesn't seem to have learned ANYTHING; nor is he taking responsibility for HIS actions. As the others wrote: just like his A, it's ALL about him and getting what HE wants. He is just as controlling and bullying as always. He continues to blameshift and project.
You and I had our DDays around the same time. The fundamental difference between our situations is that my H showed me true remorse and took responsibility for HIS choices. Yours has NEVER done so. If my H hadn't, I would not have felt safe to stay with him. I believe I am safe to stay in my marriage because my H chose to change himself, first and foremost, for himself. He hated the way he was. He chose to change. Your H never has. Your H may have stopped the A, but he never stopped his behaviors. Your H has a huge sense of entitlement. Mine did, but he learned and changed. Yours didn't.
I am grateful that my H chose to change, but if he hadn't, I would have divorced him. I hated the way my H treated me and our girls during his A. I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life with the man he was. I was too miserable.
I know you do not want your children to think your H's behavior is acceptable or healthy. I know you don't want your daughters to grow up thinking that all men act the way their father does or that they should expect that kind of treatment or tolerate it.
Perhaps the best action for you now is to figure out in IC exactly why you tolerate his behaviors and why you don't think you deserve to be treated better.
Huge hugs to you my dear Denise. You are in my thoughts.
I hope today is better for you and you got some solid advice from your IC session. We haven't heard from you today, so I am hoping that you are ok?
FF, made some very good points and I agree with her. She mentioned how much her H showed true remorse, which is so important in order to heal, but yours didn't and still hasn't. My H and I wouldn't be in the position that we are in right now, if mine had did what FF's husband did. I was lied to, so I wasn't able to get the full extent of what he did, so my response wasn't the best due to that. I also was in total shock and couldn't grasp the reality of what had happened to me, as I'm sure you did.
Like ff, my H didn't change and I should have seen that, hardly any remorse and only now, is he trying to change himself. I look back on it and wished that my eyes had been more open and would have handled things differently. He might have made adjustments to his behavior, if I had. I don't know how my life would have turned out, but do any of us? I just know, I should have been treated so much better after the A and wasn't. You have the opportunity to change what you are going to deal with, unlike what I did.
Another point that FF brought up in regards to how her H treated her and her children during the A. My H did the same thing also, I didn't realize it at the time and didn't understand why, except that I felt it was the stress of his job and his drinking to much at different times. I wasn't abused by him, but he was cruel to me many times. I was falsely accused of something that was the next most traumatic thing that I went through in my life, next to the A and he did nothing to comfort me, nor give any emotional support. Our children were also severely affected by this, especially our 13 yr. old. She moved out at 16, got married at 19, divorced at 20 and did remarry 2 yrs. later. But she just now finished her college degree at 40, after 6 yrs. of night school, raising 3 children and working. I don't think this would have happened if not for the A. She was so intelligent, but lost and hurt and didn't go to college like her two oldest siblings, due to the A.
So, wether you stay or go, if he doesn't change, they will be hurt. My daughter is a perfect example of that. I believe my son had an A, swears he didn't and divorced his wife. Like Father, like son. His son suffered for 9 yrs. due to this, as it was a messy divorce. He's now 16 and finally living with his Dad, due to their divorce. So, yes their are consequences either way.
I made the wrong choice, you have the opportunity to really look at your situation and evaluate it, as it's not to late to do so. What do you want your life to be like for you and your children in the future? Are they being hurt by the situation you are living in now. I'm sure that your counselor has addressed these questions and yes, it's not easy to know what to do.
Like ff said, YOU DESERVE BETTER and you really do. It's not to late to do what is best for you. I wish I was there to give you a loving hug, but just know your in my prayers.
I agree with what FF said about remorse and hope for change in the WS ! Our D- days may or may not be close in date, but it looks like we are both currently at the same turning point in our lives.. It seems that we are both struggling with walking away from our unremorseful WH's even though we know that doing so is better physically and emotionally for us and our families !
I hope you continue to post about what is going on in your life and I will do a better job of the same...Maybe we can learn from each other
I can't say that I understand what is going on in your marriage. I just don't have a window into all that. All I can say is that I can tell from your posts that you aren't happy, and one of the reasons is that you feel that your marriage is a big reason for that. You feel that how your husband has acted and how he continues to act is hurtful and disrespectful.
I can't tell if the divorce you've told him you want is something that will resolve the situation and give you some peace, even if not joy. I think you need to determine whether the conflict you feel will be resolved or go away if the marriage is dissolved.
When I had nearly reached the end of my rope with my wife and her continued lies (I don't even know if it was the end of the rope or just close, but that I was at a point like you are), I'm not sure that I could "prove" to anyone else that she was being as hostile as I felt.
On the surface she seemed to be telling me everything I wanted, she seemed to be patient with my need to constantly rehash the affair, and my mood swings from day to day. To an outside observer, maybe even to an objective observer, I was the one with the problem. Yet I knew that she wasn't giving me the whole truth because she wasn't consistent with her answers, or her answers didn't make sense because she was claiming that both sides of the same coin where facing up.
She was telling me that she was a victim, but she was also responsible. She was telling me that she wanted to make him go away, but I could see that she had asked him to "chat". It was all so confusing to me, and I wanted to believe that she didn't do the things that enabled the affair, so I was part of the problem as well. After all, it took me six years to get to sort it out even that much. It was only when the emails were laid out in the order they were written that I could see the truth without question and she could no longer play this game with my head. Yet, even with this explanation, I don't think many people would have understood my frustration at that point. But that didn't matter, because I understood it, I understood how I was being treated and I knew that unless it changed it was going to be dragging me down for the foreseeable future. The is why I felt that a confrontation like yours was necessary.
I didn't say I wanted a divorce, but I did say that I could not see any hope that she could make the changes necessary for reconciliation and that it was just a matter of time until I my duty was done for keeping our family intact for our kids. I think this is similar to where you are now, or you may be further down the path of hopelessness.
The good news is that my wife, like your husband, begged for more time, took on the responsibility for rescuing this relationship, stopped pretending to be the victim, and starting down the path of true reconciliation and true repentance from the disrespect that had been part of our lives, including the affair and all the manipulation that followed. Of course, it's my hope and prayer that your husband will take this approach even now.
Remorse is something that has been difficult for my husband to show. He has continued to refuse any type of individual counseling or ask for assistance in direction from anyone outside of our marriage counselor (who moved out of state 7 months ago). He can fix himself.
Ironically, today is 6 years from the final D day. The day where my head told my heart to shut it all off - because another d-day would kill me. That is the only way I have survived as long as I have. Valentines Day, a day where couples show their love outward is a day that my love for him stopped, closed off, shut down. When I tell him I know the date and almost time it happened, I do. It was 2/14/06 and I was hiding in my closet so the kids wouldn't hear me. I was done.
I don't think that a divorce will bring me any joy, but I need peace in my life. The continued stress of being told what I don't do right, what I've never done right and the "mold" to be put into, is not me anymore. My IC and I have talked about how I live my life...I simply survive to the next event and then move on to the next one "if I can just make it to xxx". I get there and look to the next event...I survive - not thrive.
What topped it off was the tracking of me via my phone. When I sat and listened to him rationalize it last Tuesday and again on Friday, I was amazed. It made some sense, and his stating that if i had that technology when he was having the affair - wouldn't I have used it?? I agree. I would have. But I am not in an A..I am struggling to get through my days.
I have searched my heart for the love I should have for him....I love him as a friend and it has been that way for a long time. The feelings a wife should have for her husband should reflect respect, trust, some passion....I don't have that. It does make me sad.
So i'm here...still here. I'll write about my IC appointment....later
I hear everything that you are saying and I know that you must feel so lost and unsure of what to do. Taking that leap of faith into another path is the hardest thing that you'll ever do. It's hard to know when to cross over into that other life and only you know when to do that.
Their is nothing in this world, at least to me in a marriage, is peace and love. With out them, you have nothing! If you are striving for peace, you are the one that is going to have to cross that bridge and not look back.
It's very sad, that your last DD is on Valentine's Day, that's hard. You see all the couples, things on TV that remind you of what you should have, but don't! It just makes things worse, believe me, I know. My H doesn't remember the date or even the place we lived either. Mine was 11/6/87, I confronted him at midnight when I got home from our daughter's with the love letters. He doesn't even remember that?
Today, hasn't been the best day for us. Our communication skills are totally mixed up and he just doesn't understand when I need him to just listen to me get things off my chest. I don't know why I'm surprised, he doesn't like anything with memories of the past, so I am usually cut off whenever I try to clear something up that is bothering me. I don't like Valentine's Day, it brings back what I thought we had and the kind of love that you speak of, that is no longer there. I really wish it was, but I can't seem to find it, even with him trying.
He still claims not to remember so many things, that it blows my mind. So to ask anything to settle my mind is hopeless. I've tried to tell him that I can't move forward as long as my mind is unsettled, but like your H he doesn't get it. Your H isn't helping you either, so how will you ever find peace if he doesn't? Look at where I am now, things didn't get settled for me and many years later our life is a mess. I don't want that to happen to you, so I am praying for you to make a decision and do whatever is best to find joy again.
Like you said, you are existing from day to day and as Dr. Phil says on his show, "I want you to enjoy life!" I want you and me to both find that someday and I hope soon for both of us, along with Stuck.
To use your phone as a example is trying to shift blame back on you and off himself. Who cares if you would have used it to track him, he was up to no good and you have a right to do that, he doesn't have any rights now. The A took that away from him, but it doesn't seem like he knows it.
I It looks like he is pulling all things out to distract you from his behavior, which sure isn't one of remorse and trying to help you heal. He is just knocking you down, like my H did to me for years, in little steps. It's called Emotional Abuse and it takes a toll on you after a while. It knocks down your confidence and takes your spirit with it. Don't let him do that to you, you've done nothing wrong, he caused this!!!!!!
I have searched my heart also for that same love for my H and I can't seem to find it. God, I wish I could and haven't given up hope yet. But tonight, we both did, so who knows. Because Valentines Day didn't turn out like he hoped, he made a smart comment about not celebrating that day or Anniversary's again. That really ticked me off and I told him that he was undoing whatever he had done recently to make things better. So, he asleep now, I'm on the computer as I'm upset and can't sleep. Same thing over and over.
I hope you can sleep tonight and will began to decide soon what you might want to do with your life.
You have done nothing wrong, this is a direct result of his actions and his behaviors. He broke you to pieces and left you to put yourself back together time after time after time after time. Each time you pulled yourself together you got stronger and a little bit more independent of him. Where once you probably needed and maybe even desired your dependence on him, when you needed him most he disappeared into his fantasy life of the A. You had no choice but to turn to yourself, rely on yourself, believe in yourself for no other reason than to survive the multiple traumas he inflicted on you. He wants you to be the Dee that was before the A and you are no longer that Dee. You are no longer that Dee as a direct result of his actions. He says all of his control issues are due to you not meeting his needs? HA! when is the last time he met your needs? has he ever? or has your life together been about you and the kids catering to his needs and you compromising and/or setting your wants, needs, and dreams aside to ensure his happiness? That is not a marriage or a partnership, that is servitude. He has refused IC (on engaged in it half heartedly) because he does not believe he has anything to fix. You have done enough research on A's that you know that A's are generally a result of deeper issues. He has done NOTHING to help himself, much less help you heal you or your marriage and yet he refuses to accept the results. I believe that if he had actively engaged in the healing process and embraced and encouraged your personal growth that you would be on the road to a better, stronger, more intimate marriage. He has chosen to try to turn back time to before the A and expects you, no, DEMANDS, that you forgive and forget and put him back on his pedestal. A direct result of his A's is that you have become an independent woman who voices her wants and needs, who has engaged in a life outside the home where your world does not revolve around his sun. You have become a successful professional who has confidence in herself and her abilities. You have just begun to explore your potential! I could go on, but in essence what I am trying to get at is that I believe that if he would encourage and support you instead of hindering and begrudging your efforts your feelings would be entirely different.
He knows exactly which strings to pull and buttons to push to fully engage your guilt. He knows that your kids well-being is of the utmost importance to you. Consider your current living conditions and the tension in the house. The kids KNOW and it does affect them. I worried about my kids and how they would react and deal with the D. In the end my daughter, then 21 years old, told me she thought the best thing I ever did for myself was to D. She told me that she saw a side of me that she did not know existed. Ultimately I became my mother and I did not want my daughter to become me nor did I want my son to believe it is acceptable to treat people the way their father did. Your kids will survive this, they will grow up to be strong, self sufficient, independent, self-assured young adults, kind and compassionate adults because of the example their mother set for them. Encourage open, loving, honest lines of communication between you and your kids. Develop a tough skin because there will be times they will vent their anger and hurt, which is to be expected. With good advice from my IC, I encouraged my kids to vent, answered all of their questions honestly(sans private details) and validated their anger and hurt when they needed it. My son and I would go nose to nose at times, some times teenage angst, other times misdirected anger about the D, even screaming at each other (which prior to the D was unheard of in our house). I can giggle now, but it almost always ended with me asking him if he was still pi$$ed off, him replying yes, and me replying with "I love you anyway" which would always end up with him trying to suppress a grin. He learned that it was ok to express his anger in a healthy open way.
My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny. ~Elaine Maxwell~
Chris, thanks for sending that song to Denise. I clicked on it and sang it to the top of my lungs, with such conviction and letting it all out. It felt so darn good, that I sang it 4 times. What wonderful lyrics it has and applies to all of us that need to say how we feel and live life again.
It's ironic that you put it on Denise's post today, as my counselor, whom I saw today, told me that it looked like we needed, to be telling each other more how we felt. I told her that I had been doing that, so what happens, you put this song on here, that tells you to put it on paper, which I am going to do. I will say everything that is in my heart, will probably be the size of a book, but maybe he'll get it better if he can read it. I've done it years ago, when I left him for a week, but I guarantee you he probably doesn't have it.
Anyway, thanks again for posting it. I had heard it before, but hadn't paid attention to the lyrics. Denise, everything Chris said, is so true. Not sure why we let men treat us this way sometimes, maybe it's because we are scared to make a move, I don't know.
Maybe you can try writing your feeling down also, like the song says and give it to him. It can't hurt.
Denise, what Chris said, about your H expecting you to be the same person, catering to his every whim, was exactly what my WH thought he would have after the A, but not so. I will never be controlled again and I pray that you won't either. That was the only good thing that came from his A, I grew up, took control of my life and didn't ask him anymore for permission to do what made me happy. He grumbled but who cares, that's what he got for fooling around, a new wife, not the patsy that he had before that loved him to death and overlooked a lot of things for that reason.
Dee I can't really add to anything else that has been said. He is selfish and hasn't changed. He wants to control you and thinks that by manipulating and turning it back on you that he is blameless. Guess what buddy, you brought this all on yourself.
Do what you need to find the peace you deserve hun....life is truly way too short!
H has been gone for the last 5 days on business and it has been very peaceful and relaxing here. Kids have talked to him on Skype when they get home from school; last time I was able to was Monday when I was working at home. With the time difference I can't talk to him on video (I'm at work) and when I get home he is at the office and can't talk on video. The saddest part is that I do not really miss talking to him. I have exchanged messages with him and a few emails since Monday but that is it.
I plan on talking with the kids tomorrow night to find out how they are handling this thing we call "our life". Last IC session I talked with him and said, "this entire time I have done all to keep their life as normal as possible, how is the current situation normal?" it isn't. So I need to talk with them and find out what they are thinking---if they will share with me.
The girls graduate in a few months and we are already planning their graduation party and talking about their leaving for college in August. He continues to act like there is nothing really wrong; he asked me in message last night if I wanted to consider a new car since my van is paid off. I stood in front of the computer and just stood there....he just keeps acting like there is nothing wrong. And I guess if I look at it, that is his way of dealing with it. If he acts like nothing has changed, then it hasn't. If I don't react to what is happening then it all stays the same. He's pretty smart, I suppose.
He comes back home Friday, late evening. What do I expect? I don't expect anything.
I don't know what to think anymore.
I am doing good now....but when he gets back home the stress will come back again...this i know.
So that's my status all....I appreciate your thoughts!
I don't know how you do it either, but I guess in a way, I do. I'm at that same point, not knowing what to do with my life. I don't want to be in the same bed with him anymore at night, let him fall asleep and get up and stay awake for hours. My mind won't be quiet and I'm angry inside. We are just growing further apart and I don't think he see's it either, or else he doesn't want to.
I'll be seeing the counselor today, I should say, since it's past midnight. I still feel their is more to our story, both during the A and even the years after it. He just doesn't act like a person who truly loves me, until now in the past 6 months. I think he realizes how much in trouble we are with our "lack" of marriage and he's trying to save it. I'm past the point of trying to fake it and it does make me feel bad, that I don't know if I love him or even like him anymore. I don't know how all of this is going to turn out, but hopefully this new counselor can shed some light on what we should do? I do know that he thinks this site is just fueling the fire of negativity for me about my H. I sometimes agree with him, but other times it lets me say things that no one else wants to hear. That can't be all bad.
It sounds like you are getting your ducks in a row, but your H doesn't seem to see what's in the picture? Hang in there, you can do this and I'll be sending you prayer's and hugs.