I just wanted to share with you that I finally have a meeting with the lady that is in charge of "BAN" in our area. I have been trying to meet with this group for months and their aren't to many of them around.
For those of you who don't know about BAN, its a group that was founded by our friend, Peggy Vaugh, the author of "The Manogamy Myth." It's listed on our Helpful Links on the side.
I am meeting her for lunch next Friday, just here and I to talk about marriage and A's. My H can choose to meet with her H if he chose's. They are also going to start their group meetings in June and I hope that he is open to going? When he found out that it was in a church, he didn't seemed thrilled. I reminded him that me had went to a retro weekend in a church atmosphere also. I couldn't tell if he was receptive or not?
But either way, I am very excited that I am finally going to be able to meet Diana and maybe she will be the person that will help lead me out of this hell that I am in?
If anyone else out there and I thought that I read that their was one member of HH that was going to meetings, please let me know what you thought of them and if they helped you.
Thanks everyone for all the help you have given me, so keep your fingers crossed.
My fingers are crossed and hope that you have a good meeting.
Just because meeting are held in a church doesn't make it super religious.. churches do offer meeting rooms at a great price usually free or for very little rent.. since schools and other publicly owned facilities are no longer able to to be used for meetings. I hope that your H does it the meeting a chance..
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Thank you for your good wishes and I'm praying that I do find what I am looking for in this meeting. I am a little nervous, as we have both been living under a cloud of nothing being brought up in regards to the A. I'm just sort of resigned right now to things and almost don't care anymore. I'm tired of fighting, even talking about it, but still have that dead feeling inside. He's going along like everything is okay and why shouldn't he be, he's being left alone, no questions, etc. That's why I'm up right now, I woke up, he was holding me and I didn't really want him to.
I spoke to him yesterday about this meeting and let him know that I was disappointed that he wasn't making an effort to meet this lady's husband, who has been through the same thing. Maybe he could have some words for him that would be of help in understanding things. His comment was, "Why don't you see what you think about it first?" I told him, that showed me he was willing to go the extra yard to make things better. I have said this twice to him, so he knows how I feel.
I'm meeting her at Panarea Break for lunch at 12. The meetings that start in June will be held in a church and their is nothing wrong with that. It's usually done, like you and Dianna said, "to save money as church's don't charge to use a hall." It doesn't matter to me where it is and it shouldn't matter to him, but he just doesn't want to discuss our issues in front of others. From what I remember reading, it's not like that. They have speakers who have been through the same thing, they get up and talk and hopefully you can learn from their experience. I went through this with him 27 yrs. ago, he doesn't like things that have anyone sharing their feelings are where he has to be where this sort of discussion is taking place. I hope this changes soon, as it could be problems if it doesn't.
Thank you pat, for your good wishes. I haven't been posting much for a while, as I was getting a little depressed and felt like I wasn't in a good enough place to help others, but I am following others and I hate what they are going through.
I worry about stuck and naomi and Jan and so many others who are going through a very difficult time right now. My heart goes out to this, as they don't have the option, at least naomi and stuck don't, of leaving due to finances. One I'm really worried for after finding out that her H has been served papers for being around children, that's scary and she needs to leave. But, I'm getting off the thread now, so I'll stop.
This message has been edited by Memories23 on May 18, 2012 6:46 AM
Hope this meeting is all you need it to be. I hope it helps you find a path to heal.
My guess is the BAN meetings will be what you make of them.
You gotta want to be happy. No one can GIVE you your happiness. You're gonna have to take it.
Open your mind and your heart. This might be your window.
>Had to edit this because I thought of a crucial point.
Please don't wait on your H to provide you with the tools to heal. You can only control what you do, how you act. No matter how long you wait, and you've waited much longer than most, your happy future depends on you, not him.
Use the BAN meeting for you, to help you see a way forward, not to try and teach your H how wrong he has been for all this time.
I say all this with compassion and a deep desire for you to start a joyful life.
Hope & Hugs,
Open for business with a few minor adjustments
This message has been edited by shawnthewife on May 18, 2012 10:21 AM
I met with my BAN group for about 2 years and am still good friends with one of our former members.
BAN is pretty much what we do here, the difference is it is in the real world and not the virtual world. Being in the real world does give it an edge. I was at another infidelity site at the time, and still benefited from my BAN Friends.
It is possible that the coordinator has a background/education in psychology but most likely they do not, so please do not substitute this group for getting IC.
I won't, they aren't even sure if they are going to have the meetings in June? They might not have enough people and then when they start it, they might have 10 one time, 2 the next time. She was very nice, we met for 21/2 hrs. She was very helpful and gave some good suggestions. Not sure why it tool so much out of me? My H asked about her, said he would meet with her H.
It was helpful, I'm going to talk to her again. Thanks for asking, Ami, it means a lot to me. I would take notes next time.
I bet you were a good Ban Coordinator, Ami! No, they aren't therapist, but they do their best.
I know you say everything with sincere compassion. Dianna, the coordinator, asked some very good questions, like "What would it take for you to be happy and want to stay in the marriage?" I mentioned 3 or 4 things, then she told me the best way to accomplish that. She pointed out, that she let her H know, after one incident, what she needed to be happy. If he wasn't able to be the person she wanted to spend her life with she would be okay alone. That's just the jest, she was pointing out that I needed to find my purpose in life and if it included my H and I wanted him, that was good, but if not, I needed to let him know that. Not as a threat, but out of love, so that we could both be happy. Their was so much more in that over two hr. meeting, I wish I had recorded it.
Yes, I need to want to be happy, you are right in saying that. She felt that so much had happened to make me question my purpose in life, that was why I felt dead inside. I was just worn out as I had no balance right now, so it made everything look worse than maybe it was. Maybe I had to give up some of my needs, not get them all and decide what I would settle for? To have a plan, write it down, if we had discussions and they got heated, call a time out for 24 hrs. Things needed to be clear between what we would both be able to accept. Start a puzzle, fill in the sides, if you have a question, ask it. If you get an answer, put a piece of the puzzle in place, just like your life.
Any way, so much to remember, but I'll see her again. Thank you for your kind words.
Linda so happy that Diana connected with you and that your H is willing to meet with her H..
baby steps but steps non the less..a step forward ..just talking to someone who was a FBS is good because they understand where you are coming from and understand your feelings..
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Yes, it was a good but a very emotional and deep meeting. It's hard to explain, but it seemed strange to be talking to someone who has been through the same thing I had, face to face over a table at Panera Bread. We talked for 2 1/2 hrs. and she would have stayed longer, but had another meeting. I felt so stressed telling her the story, that I wasn't able to eat, so that's a lesson for the future. I've never did that before, she told me a little about her own story and we traded back and forth. She was a very intelligent and thoughtful person. I don't know why I felt so emotionally drained afterwards, it was so different than speaking to a counselor. I know they are trained, the counselor's that is, but it was sort of like speaking to you, but not in an e-mail. I did it with someone else on HH, but I guess it got to be to much for them, as they didn't want to do it any more. I know it wasn't anything I said, probably sometimes when you talk about it so much, you feel like you are living everything again.
Her H is the one that cheated on her and I need to read the story again to fully understand it, even though she told me a lot of helpful things. She said, the BAN sessions haven't been working well for them, as sometime's people just don't show up and all the work is for maybe 2 couples.
They offer in their home, a weekend, where you stay with them and they work with you exclusively for the whole time. You have your own suite, etc. I knew about this, but I sure don't see my H doing it and I think it's pretty expensive also. Not complaining about the cost, just mentioning it.
She told me that her H would be happy to meet with mine. Before I went, he didn't want to plan on seeing her H, told me to see how it went for me and maybe I would feel better. So, when I mentioned to him that her H would be willing to talk to him and maybe he would have some suggestions, my H said that he would be willing to do that. I was floored, to be honest with you and happy also. I think he could give my H some pointers on what he needs to do to get me off the fence and maybe for our marriage to be happy again? That would be wonderful.
She definitely could relate to what I had been through from her own experience, just like HH does. I think if my H would read some of these posts, he would get so much out of how much I was hurt.