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  • An Order of the Serpentine commercial I'd like to see
    • muscleman (no login)
      Posted May 18, 2006 12:55 PM

      You've seen the commercial where a young man who has been, er...intimate with a woman only to discover next morning she is a female bodybuilder far more muscular than he. He gets a bottle of Axe Snake Peel(body lotion)to "overcome a questionable hookup." Inspired by that and the Virgin Mobile bodybuilding granny ad at, I take the scenario several steps further:


      FIRST: we hear noise, deafening cheers...then, the camera reveals:

      SCENE: a circular wrestling ring, no ropes, surrounded on all sides by steep stair-step seating, filled with an excited cheering crowd, brightly lit.

      the camera moves in closer to show us...

      ON THE MAT: two wrestlers fighting furiously for supremacy. We hear their bodies colliding with each other and the mat. The camera homes in on one of them, a handsome young male, obviously a bodybuilder, heavily oiled and clad only in a tiny posing bikini. He's getting the hell beat out of him by his opponent, whom we don't at first see. He has a look of fear and pain and screams as his opponent catches him in a punishing figure-four leg-lock, cinching in the hold by "hooking" their powerful legs together with savage power.

      the camera widens its view and we see that...

      the other wrestler is...a WOMAN! With white hair; she must be at least 70 years old!!!

      BUT, she is massively muscled, almost naked in a leopard-print bikini, her rippling physique oiled and slick with sweat as she aggressively attacks the helpless male with brute strength and wrestling skill. The heavyweight muscle-granny is enjoying herself, in total command of the match. The male wrestler is completely outclassed and thrashes helplessly in the grip of the lady wrestler's crushing legs which gleam and bulge with sensual power.

      Granny-muscle is ready to finish off him off and asks sweetly, "Had enough, big boy?" as she re-doubles her squeezing. The exhausted male can take no more! He screams, "Yes! Please! STOP! I submit! I SUBMIT!!" He slaps the canvas mat with his hand over and over, desperately signalling his surrender.

      The victorious lady wrestler slowly unsnakes her legs from around the male's, and stands up. She grabs him by his hair, pulling him up too, and loads him on her huge shoulders, finally lifting him high over her head and turning slowly in a circle, displaying her "trophy" to the wildly cheering crowd. She is clearly a world-class bodybuilder as well as a wrestler, but also very shapely and pretty as she stands triumphantly, showing off her gorgeous physique to her adoring fans. The emcee announces, "The winner of the match, by submission, and the new world heavyweight wrestling champion, MS. Peggy Shawcross!! Peggy tells the crowd, "If only my grandkids could see me NOW!"

      It's a few moments later...the battered male ex-champ is being carried out of the ring on a stretcher. He looks up and there she is, Granny-muscle, the new champ, still in her bikini, smiling down at him, standing next to the stretcher. She has the title belt slung over one bulging shoulder. She hands him a bottle of AXE SNAKE PEEL, and smiles again, saying, "THIS will make you feel better, sonny. Be sure to let me know if you want a rematch!"

      FADEOUT. A voice-over says: Let the Order of the Serpentine help YOU overcome questionable hook-ups!

      End of commercial

      I guess it ran a little long, but damn, I'd buy the Snake Peel!

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