I need to say a few things that are swirling around in my head
by caz (no login)
We actually made our final decision this past Monday, April 9 and told the birthmom on Tuesday, and saw the baby for the last time on Wednesday. It's been a terribly emotional week, to say the least. The good news is that there was another family that she was considering at the same time as us, and they agreed immediately to adopt the baby ... they are just an amazing couple who is ready for anything that comes their way. No matter what, he is a beautiful little boy and is going to be the joy of their lives.
Now that we've turned this adoption down, I'm scared to death that God has this planned for us no matter what, and I'll end up giving birth to a child with severe disabiliites. But, I guess my feelings on that are that we'll deal with that situation no matter what and it's a very different decision process when you're adopting vs. giving birth. I don't know why we were faced with this situation, it has made me feel like a horrible person. Yet, I am very comforted by most people in that they assure me they'd do the same thing. So, I was feeling better about it all and then found out last night that the other couple was taking him "no questions asked" and it brought me down to my dark place again. (((sob)))
On one hand, I feel like we didn't have the luxury of knowing what we were potentially dealing with, because the birthfamily wanted a decision right then and there. On the other hand, I feel like Littles deserves parents who are prepared to take him no matter what.
I feel like I just gave away my baby because I was afraid. Because I was protecting my young marriage from potential doom by taking on a child with special needs when we weren't prepared for it.
I feel like I don't even deserve to be a mother.
This was our baby, and I let him down. And the grief I feel today knowing that someone else is going to raise him is crippling me. What kind of people are we to bond with this baby for an entire week and then walk away? I know he's better off with someone else, there is no doubt in my mind that we made the right decision for him ... but it really makes me question who I am.
I just don't know why this had to happen. His tests still aren't back, and his new parents don't care what they turn up. He is lucky that he has them.