CONGRATULATIONS on your daughter! I thought I'd chime in a bit on your questions about contact with the birth mother. I agree with you that she is probably in the midst of the most overwhelming grief of her life, and I suspect she is seeking reassurance that she made the right decision. I hear from Birth mothers that some feel like the relationship with the parents changes completely as soon as the child is born, and some feel used, as if they were only the incubation carrier of the child. These first few months are hard for all concerned because the birth mom is in intense grief, and the mom (you) are adjusting to the biggest change of your life. It's an emotional time for all and I know that no words can completely solve the problem.
As much as possible, try to be there for the birth mother. She needs reassurance, so provide it. Tell her how much you love your daughter and how happy you are and how much you appreciate what she did. I assume you have a contact agreement with her, but if the contact is greater than the contract, I personally wouldn't enforce the contract right now. Most people report that the contact naturally lessens in intensity after everyone adjusts. That would be the time to ease into a more comfortable contact relationship.
Be kind to yourself through this stage. Since you are so ecstatically happy, it is easy to forget that this is still a huge change and you are likely more in the adjusting phase than you think. That makes you more vulnerable to being irritated and overwhelmed by the birth mother. As adoptive parents it is sometimes hard to accept that our children have two sets of parents, but they do and we need to make it work because that is what's best for our kids.
Good luck. It sounds like you are doing well. I have had a couple of radio shows that may help with this adjustment period. All the old shows are archived so feel free to browse through the topics and listen to the ones that sound helpful. You can listen on your computer or download them as a podcast onto your MP3.
Dawn Davenport
The Complete Book of International Adoption (Random House)
www.creatingafamily.com
Host of the internet radio show “Creating a Family: Talk about Adoption and Infertility”