Welcome to the Adoption Board! Here is a board for those interested in Adoption to trade information, experiences, and support! This board is dedicated to Julie (Jules) who has tirelessly helped many of us through the adoption process.
HI all; I just found out that a teenage neighbour of a friend is looking to adopt out her baby, due in three weeks! She's very fond of her neighbour, my friend, who will be putting in a good word or three for us; the BM has total choice here in NZ; and the someone who knows someone is the best form of connection in this little country...
fingers crossed, eh?
Hey Lauranz - just saw your post below & wanted to say congrats! Such great news that you have been approved for the adoption process! Looking forward to hearing your continued success! Maddy
thanks for the congrats. We have been working on our profile (or rather, I have...) for a coupla weeks and discussed it with the social worker yesterday. It's so weird to be marketing our family to such a broad range that BMs can occupy!! We are going to be spending some time on it together this weekend and try to make it pretty AND clear.. we've got some editting and illustrating to do...
But I got such a blast out of finally allowing myself to imagine a phone call with someone on the other end saying "You've been chosen out of the pool"...hadn't really dared imagining that.
The SW yesterday said there had been far more requests for profiles in the last couple of weeks than in the last few months, (Spring, here) so that was heartening; there had been NO babies in three months in our area to place; an anomaly, but even so, hard to get excited when there are no actual babies available...
What's happening with you?
I have a question about the approval process particularly in regard to the health assessment. Last summer after an awful semester at school I had some trouble with insomnia. It turned into anxiety after many days without getting enough sleep. The doc put me on Celexa which I've since weened myself off of. Will this be a problem in a homestudy? This is the main reason why I didn't want to go to the doctor for this problem. I went because I desperately needed to get some sleep and it turned into an anxiety disorder diagnosis. I was on the medication from June until September. I feel just fine now...and have never needed anything like that in the past. I'm so upset to think that this could preclude us from being able to adopt. Anyone have any experience or thoughts on this?
I should have been more specific in my message title from the other day. We're looking at Ukraine adoption, but, haven't made any decisions yet. I have so much fear of the homestudy process.
Thanks in advance if anyone can share any homestudy stories that might make me not so queasy!
there were some pretty specific questions regarding psych meds. I'm sorry I can't really help, as I've only done domestic, and am in New Zealand...but our social worker here made it really clear that many BMs (if they have any say in the process), prefer that their babies are going to someone who knows to ask for help when they need it...
but, like jess, I don't make or know the rules. keep us posted...
Me 39, HIghest FSH 79 June 08
DH 44 SA great
Grade 1V endo since puberty, many laps and bowel surgeries, hashimotos
DD born 2000 after 8 years of ttc
new DH
herbs, diet, acup, yoga bring endo symptoms into line
ttc#2 3years no bfps
FSH went high aug 06, labile.
Three failed ivfs, two converted to IUI, 2 chems. several no-starts due to high fsh.
Very high NKU levels but no way of tx or monitoring here in new zealand.
Looking at DE and adoption.
Thank you for responding. I would think that would be the case. But, you just never know. We have also been considering domestic adoption. I have my pros and cons list, and really the only con to domestic for us is that so many want open adoption. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
I would love to know more about your process. I'm totally intimidated by the whole process. I've gotten the Adoption for Dummies book from the library, and countless other books on the subject, but for some reason I feel like the process is so daunting.
You must be so relieved. I'm so very happy for you. It's been a long journey, but, it's so worth it.
Our process here consisted of two ed/prep nights, then two two-day workshops then about 6-8 home visits to get approved by the central govt agency that is the only legal agent for adoption here in NZ.
Now we get to put together our profile and have it go into the pool that birth mums get to choose from. They have total say, nothing to do with who's been on the waiting list the longest.
As for open adoption, I was somewhat alarmed at first, but I've had some fairly negative intense experiences with closed adoption; a partner who had a total identity crisis when he found his birth parents and left me after 7 years was the worst. And some lovely experiences (cousins) with open adoption.
I truly believe it's easier on the kids to have as open an arrangement as possible. Especially knowing that the kids have the strongest affiliation to the family that raised them, and that we keep them no matter what and have final say no matter what on contact....
Also, I'm already co-parenting my DD with my dastardly ex; she goes to him for a couple of nights each week; and so an open adoption sounds like a breeze compared to what I'm already navigating with him....
Hope this helps...
It depends on Ukaraine's requirements. I think this would be a non-issue for most countries, but I don' t know what Ukraine requires. I would call and ask some agencies about this, being very open with them about the situation. I will warn you that some agencies will tell you that their requirements are the country's, so if your first response is that this will be a problem, don't give up. Ask around.
When it comes time for the homestudy itself, it's best to be completely honest. A simple doctor's note will probably take care of the issue with no questions. Even if it might be an issue, it's better to be upfront about it than have this discovered without your having revealed it.
To my way of thinking, the fact that you dealt with this and it's in your past, it shouldn't be a problem. But I don't make the rules.
Good luck to you and let us know how it goes!
As always you are such a big help. As I said to Laura above, it would seem to me that dealing with an issue is far better than ignoring it or letting it consume you. I feel just fine now and realized what was causing the anxiety/insomnia and after I realized that it wasn't bigger than I was, I was able to put some distance between it and me, and things came back to normal. I think during the semester I had just lost my coping skills; very busy, very stressed, no time for myself. Grad school has stressed me out more than any other thing in my life. The places that I used to turn to within myself for confidence just weren't accessible to me when the stress hit. I had a loss of confidence in my abilities, doubts set in about my ability to succeed in my chosen career, and I let it take over. I regrouped and found those coping skills again, and things got better quickly.
Oh well. The only thing to do is to be completely honest and as forthcoming as possible and let the chips fall.
to adopt. The whole thing has taken over a year.... I'm feeling excited for the first time in months. I kept having this niggling feeling (with no good reason) that we wouldn't be approved; I guess that's the flip side of having every aspect of our lives scrutinised....
Anyway, feels like the wheels are finally turning, and am so ready to get on with the next bit. Of course, the wait is indefinite, possibly infinite, but you gotta be in to win, dontcha?
Me 39, HIghest FSH 79 June 08
DH 44 SA great
Grade 1V endo since puberty, many laps and bowel surgeries, hashimotos
DD born 2000 after 8 years of ttc
new DH
herbs, diet, acup, yoga bring endo symptoms into line
ttc#2 3years no bfps
FSH went high aug 06, labile.
Three failed ivfs, two converted to IUI, 2 chems. several no-starts due to high fsh.
Very high NKU levels but no way of tx or monitoring here in new zealand.
Looking at DE and adoption.
I'm so happy for you guys. I posted above that we might be starting the homestudy process...I'm terrified.
Good luck! I'll betcha things are just going to start falling right into place. As it should be.
surely something's gotta go our way soon!! There is a sudden dip in babies being placed for adoption this season in our area; no-one knows why; bloody annoying that FINALLY adoption is our first choice and hello! there are NEW damn obstacles in our way...
ah well; I guess it's a waiting game now; we knew it would be a flukey lottery anyway. We have been working on our profile this week but it's so, well, weird trying to market your family to someone considering placing their baby for adoption. I guess I will soon need to accept that the older I get, the weirder the world seems...!
Me 39, HIghest FSH 79 June 08
DH 44 SA great
Grade 1V endo since puberty, many laps and bowel surgeries, hashimotos
DD born 2000 after 8 years of ttc
new DH
herbs, diet, acup, yoga bring endo symptoms into line
ttc#2 3years no bfps
FSH went high aug 06, labile.
Three failed ivfs, two converted to IUI, 2 chems. several no-starts due to high fsh.
Very high NKU levels but no way of tx or monitoring here in new zealand.
Looking at DE and adoption.
You'll have the little soul you were meant to have...maybe he/she hasn't entered the world yet, but is just on the runway! I'll be looking forward to updates, and keeping you in my thoughts.
growing in my heart!! Read that this week and it really touched me. Can't decide if i'm really losing the plot, but I do feel that my baby is getting closer!!
We were lucky we didn't have to write a letter like that since we adopted internationally. We wrote to the Chinese Center for Adoption Affairs instead. But it wasn't the kind of letter where we have to sort of sell ourselves. I think that would be weird, too.
Well, regardless of what is going on in general, you just have to worry about that one special baby that is meant to be yours. YOUR wait might be very short. You just never know. I wanted a more sure timeline, and international fit me better (although every system has its downfall and China's wait keeps stretching incredibly long).
I hear ya when it comes to how strange it all seems, but just keep plugging away and telling yourself that you're one step closer to your little sweetie. S/he (they?) will be so worth it!!! I can promise you that! Next Halloween, you could have a tiny pumpkin or ladybug or lamb to celebrate the day with. I hope so!
isn't it interesting all the different processes? I guess they all have their pros and cons. I'm still wrangling with our profile; the social worker wanted it rearranged and elucidated on; it's already 3000 words long! EEEK....
Hello all. It's been a couple years since I've visited this board (probably all the way back to 2005!). At that time we were exploring the various ways to become parents. We are now parents to two little girls who joined our family through adoption. Our oldest is 3.5 and we brought her home in early 2006. Our youngest is 2 and she joined our family just last year. Both of my girls were born in China. I came to this board to explore the numerous paths to adoption and am so glad that I did!
I know you feel tremendously blessed. I feel the same way. I also have two sweet girls from China and would love a third (girl OR boy). I'm glad you can bring hope to those still deciding whether to adopt or not. Adoption is so worth it!
Jess
Congratulations! Since you provided the link, I checked out your blog for a moment. Your girls are beautiful. You must be a very proud Mama. I hope to join you soon. DH and I are hoping to be matched with a birth mother soon. We're pursuing domestic adoption.
Yes, we are finally home. We were gone for 24 days!!! Our little sweetie is 3 weeks 3 days old and I'm loving every minute of it. Not getting a whole lot of sleep, but I'm not complaining, I've slept enough in my life! My hubby and I are a great team. Don't know how I'd do it without him. Birthmom and her husband relinquished their rights at the hearing and besides having a social worker come out at 3 & 6 months, we're 99% in the clear for having her be ours forever!
Birthmom has been contacting me quite a bit lately and I have to say it's bothersome. Because every time I spend a lot of time thinking about her, I am reminded that I didn't give birth to my daughter and it kind of interferes with our bonding, I think. I know birthmom is going through a grieving process, mainly I think of the relationship we had before dd was born. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.
I'm glad you're enjoying your new role. I LOVE being a mommy! I don't really have much advice regarding the birthmother. I don't have experience with that since we did an international adoption. I do think she's surely grieving, though. I'd give her some slack, although perhaps you could suggest limits such as calling or e-mailing only at certain times. You could use your daughter's nap times and your lack of sleep as an excuse. My guess is that if you get more sleep, her contact wouldn't be so bothersome anyway. You are the mom and have to set proper limits, but I'm glad you're sensitive to her grieving. I can't imagine what she must be going through. Maybe someone else here would have some ideas for you.
CONGRATULATIONS on your daughter! I thought I'd chime in a bit on your questions about contact with the birth mother. I agree with you that she is probably in the midst of the most overwhelming grief of her life, and I suspect she is seeking reassurance that she made the right decision. I hear from Birth mothers that some feel like the relationship with the parents changes completely as soon as the child is born, and some feel used, as if they were only the incubation carrier of the child. These first few months are hard for all concerned because the birth mom is in intense grief, and the mom (you) are adjusting to the biggest change of your life. It's an emotional time for all and I know that no words can completely solve the problem.
As much as possible, try to be there for the birth mother. She needs reassurance, so provide it. Tell her how much you love your daughter and how happy you are and how much you appreciate what she did. I assume you have a contact agreement with her, but if the contact is greater than the contract, I personally wouldn't enforce the contract right now. Most people report that the contact naturally lessens in intensity after everyone adjusts. That would be the time to ease into a more comfortable contact relationship.
Be kind to yourself through this stage. Since you are so ecstatically happy, it is easy to forget that this is still a huge change and you are likely more in the adjusting phase than you think. That makes you more vulnerable to being irritated and overwhelmed by the birth mother. As adoptive parents it is sometimes hard to accept that our children have two sets of parents, but they do and we need to make it work because that is what's best for our kids.
Good luck. It sounds like you are doing well. I have had a couple of radio shows that may help with this adjustment period. All the old shows are archived so feel free to browse through the topics and listen to the ones that sound helpful. You can listen on your computer or download them as a podcast onto your MP3.
Dawn Davenport
The Complete Book of International Adoption (Random House)
www.creatingafamily.com
Host of the internet radio show “Creating a Family: Talk about Adoption and Infertility”
Congratulations! I'm so happy for you all. This news keeps me going! We've been waiting for a birth mother to choose us since the end of March. Thank you so much for sharing your news. Your baby is precious.
Hello all--
Our little girl, Georgia Kay, arrived last nite weighing in at 9lbs7oz and 22 in long!!! We arrived at the hospital at 5 a.m. to induce the birthmom(we are adopting)and she finally came into the world at 9:38 p.m. The birthmom is out of this world amazing and words cannot even describe how I felt with me on one side of her, my dh on the other, her squeezing both our hands, with our hands holding up her knees......and then that most wonderful cry........miraculous! We have our own room at the hospital and will get discharged tomorrow. We have to stay in Michigan (we're from Nebraska) for up to 2 weeks for all of the legal stuff. Can't wait to at least get to the hotel and settle in for a while. Anyways, here are a couple pics of our precious gift.
Peace,
Rachael
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She's absolutely beautiful!!! I can believe you're on cloud nine! I'm so happy to hear some good news on the board. Thanks so much for sharing! I'm doing the Snoopy dance here in California!
how incredibly exciting.
You are going to be a great mama; I'm so glad you and your DD found each other at last!!!
Hoping to follow in your footsteps soon.
all the very best
Laura
Maddy
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