Welcome to the Adoption Board! Here is a board for those interested in Adoption to trade information, experiences, and support! This board is dedicated to Julie (Jules) who has tirelessly helped many of us through the adoption process.
Update...
by cyncie (no login)
Well, our 4 days with potential birthmom and her mom (potential grandmother) went really well. We had a great time with them with lots of laughs, quite a few intense conversations, and meetings with a counselor and our facilitator. I just talked to PBM and PGM on the phone (they went back to their home state on Sun.) and we all agreed that we felt totally paralyzed with exhaustion yesterday. We are all very excited about this match and feel like it was meant to be somehow. She is due at end of July. We know that there are still significant hurdles to cross though she feels so certain she doesn't want to parent and really feels that she won't waver in her decision even after the birth. As you all know, this is quite the roller coaster ride, as is child rearing (and most of life for that matter!). We are just glad finally to be on the roller coaster and no longer observing from the side lines! DH frequently reminds me that these are happy dilemmas to have. We took forever to get ourselves to this point, dragging our feet about doing the homework necessary to make decisions about agencies and facilitators and getting our outreach together, etc. Now it feels like we are just speeding towards parenthood and I still have to pinch myself. I just find it so hard to believe!
I guess we have to start thinking of names, whether to circumcise, and which car seat to buy! Unbelievable!!
Good luck to you. It is hard in the beginning but we found just connecting with some other adoptive parents in a support group really helped us see that there was light at the end of the tunnel and that everyone really does become parents in the end. It was great incentive! Where are you in the process?
cyncie
P.S. I would be happy to chat with you further any time...
never mind...I just checked roll call on page 2 and...
by cyncie (no login)
reminded myself of where you are in the process. It is hard to get going. I would be happy to chat with you any time just to give you some encouragement...
I'm so glad to hear it went well. How exciting!!! You'll be glad you had this strong beginning as a foundation.
Let us know how the name game comes along!
Yes, we really feel good about this foundation. Many times during the weekend we "toasted" the foundation we were laying for future visits.
Ugh the name game is daunting. All the wonderful names in the world are find for everyone else but SO hard to imagine calling our OWN son. I don't know if that has to do with the name (I doubt it) or the fact that we still can't believe that we will actually have a son to name!!
Hmmm.. so if this is labor, I assume the pre-adoptive stress is going to get worse... Is there an epidurall for adoptive mothers???? If so, sign me up! I don't know how you did this three times. You are my hero!
So happy for you and DH....These will probably be highly emotional times but good ones....Is the birthfather involved in the pregnancy??? Just curious..
What is her due date?? Jennifer
Yes these are emotional and stressful times but we are not complaining as these are happy problems.
Yes, PBF is involved. They broke up but he is on board with adoption and her choosing us. He is in contact with our faciitator and soon we will contact him to develop a relationship with him too. From what I hear he is a good guy, just wasn't the love of her life.
She is due at end of July "give or take a week" (as if this weren't exciting and stressful enough). They are having a hard time pinnng down her due date since she doesn't know when she conceived. Was on BCPs and continued to have some sort of monthly period for the first 3 months.
So by the end of July we should be meeting the little one! Thanks for your support!
P.S. I would love to chat with you sometime about your birthmom's grief. Our PBM is sure she won't waver in her decision, but she is openly preparing for a long grieving process. That's the hardest part of adoption--the fact that someone's loss and resulting unhappiness ultimately brings you the answer to so many prayers. I struggle with that a lot...
Everyone always told me that the all the things like taking forever to get yourselves to that point, dragging your feet about doing the homework necessary to make decisions about agencies and facilitators, etc. were all because you would get the child that is meant to be. I always had a hard time with that, but now I can't imagine not having this child that we have!
I'm so glad the 4 days went well and that you all have all have a good feeling about it! Keep us posted.
I hear that a lot too. My own sister has said she would change the outcome of her struggle with IF because it would mean she wouldn't have adopted her two kids (who are almost grown now!).
I will definitely keep you posted on how things go. Thanks for your support.
How about you? Have the BF's rights been terminated yet? How long till you finalize?
Thanks for asking. We are waiting for a court date to terminate bf's rights. They said finalization takes about 6 months. We are on month 2. He is two months old today!
Hi Cyncie,
Not sure if you'll see this because I am so late in responding, but i'm so happy for you that it looks like your wait for a baby is coming to an end! You were very helpful to me last fall when I posted some questions (as you are to everyone on this board, which I still read from time to time), so I wanted to make sure I congratulated you.
My DH and I ended up being struck by lightning in the form of a twin pregnancy last December, so I'm expecting them in August but still want to adopt a third in some years, probably an older child. So, if you have any baby gear questions, let me know, I might be able to answer!
I hope everything continues to go smoothly for you in the next months. It sounds like it's a great match, which is really wonderful. Hooray!
Christina
Can't wait to hear how everything works out! Sounds like this was meant to be and that the hard part of the "introduction" is over! Take care and hang tight ... you're going to be a mommy in July!
I so often think of you and wonder how you are doing these days. I hope that you have been well and I look forward to reading more posts when you are ready. Thanks for your well wishes. I am still pretty nervous about the birth and all that entails and then there is relinquishment...
Read my reply above to Faith for my update. I've been lurking here, but haven't felt much like posting. I'm doing really well, though, and am trying very hard to just step away from all things related to adoption and infertility for the sake of rejuevenating my marriage. So, summer off it is!
I'm so excited for your placement I can't stand it! I do believe the relinquishment is going to be hard. I am still so blown away that these birthfamilies can let go of their babies. I have a real hard time with that concept ... can't really explain it, but it truly confuses me. While I know in most cases it is the "right thing to do" ... I just know how gut-wrenchingly painful it must be. I wish your family and your BM and her family all of the very best during that difficult time.
I understand being blown away by a BMs sacrifice. It is mind-boggling to me too. I guess that is why we gravitated toward more openness (despite being so wary of it initially). I just can't see how any PBM could disconnect completely and "carry on" with her life after relinquishment. So I just hope that having developed a relationship with the birthfamily and laying foundation for some contact through the years can help everyone heal (though I know the pain and loss never go completely away).
Thanks for your excitement. It's hard for our families to express excitement since they are soooo nervous about relinquishment and openness. So it's nice to be able to touch base with others who get that you need to be allowed to get a little excited despite the ever-present risk of disappointment. People seem to forget that about pregnancy but tend to focus solely on that with adoption.
I am glad you guys are going to Hawaii! DH and I took a big trip to South America over the Christmas holiday last year just before beginning our outreach. It was a last celebration of our "carefree" childless life! Enjoy the rest of your summer off and don't rush to get into "the game" till you are ready.
I know this seems unimportant, but I am having trouble finding a baby record book that I feel is appropriate for my new addition. All of the regular ones have pages about pregnancy and things I cannot fill out. I found some adoption ones online, but it's really hard to tell what they really consist of and look like. Any suggestions?
Hi Stacy----When I started working on my daughter's I just bought a blank scrapbook at one of the scrapbooking stores and I am adding my own pages and pictures with all the info about her--this is perfect for adoption because every story is so different and cuter than the baby books in the store.....Good luck....I'm still working on mine Jennifer
Hi...I am VERY new here (in fact, first post)and read below where someone advised about checking with your state to see if the agency had any complaints against them. So - who in the state do you specifically call regarding this? I have no idea where to start and even less of an idea who to call to see if complaints have been filed against them. Any insight would be GREATLY appreciated. With getting to this point after infertility -I want to make sure I am using a reliable agency.
Thanks so much,
Diane
I called MANY, MANY people to get the right person to call and find out about complaints. I ended up talking to the woman in charge of the human resources department of the state family and child services department. I'm sure it depends on your state who can help you with that. Like I said, I made MANY calls to finally get to this person. I am glad I did because 2 of the agencies I was considering had complaints against them. It was worth it. After all of this I spoke to a woman who used one of the agencies with a complaint and she told me of her nightmare with them!
I hope you all had a nice holiday weekend. DH and I spent ours doing spring cleaning and gardening in preparation of our potential birthmom's visit. She and her mom are coming out tomorrow and will spend 4 days here doing some sight seeing, getting to know us and our lifestyle and doing a couple of counseling sessions. We are nervous but excited. We just spoke with her on the phone and she is feeling about the same. My house is still not ready, but I guess it is as ready as it will ever be (short of remodeling! ). I did try to buy a new bedspread at the last minute on Monday afternoon. This is so much more nerve wracking than the homestudy! I just want everything to be perfect! Fortunately, our potential BM told me to relax and that none of this was going to change her impression of us, she already thinks we will be fabulous parents.
So if you have any good thoughts to spare, hold one for DH and me for the next few days. Thanks for listening!
Cyncie
We spent the weekend preparing for today and I just got a call that they can't take off from their state since the weather is so bad. Hopefully the weather will clear so they can take off some time today! Oh well, at least I have a little more time to continue my neurotic dusting and scrubbing of my house!
I just noticed the date on your earlier post. I guess I just assumed they would be staying over the long holiday weekend. You'll be fine! Put that dust rag down and have a glass of wine while you still can!
Try to relax and be yourself. I know that's easier said than done, but you'll come across as more real if you do. I'm sure the birthmother really wants a sense of normal, anyway. I think it will go well, and I said a prayer for you, too.
Enjoy your visit with the bm and her mother....Don't sweat the small stuff,,,It's exciting to think this could be it for you....I'll be thinking of you....Jennifer
I just wanted to say welcome to the board and maybe Jess or CAthy will post some advice. I think most of us are doing domestic adoptions. If you post this same question on the Rubber Ducky board you will get a huge response. Lots of women are going the international route on that board.
Keep in touch and let us know what you find out!
Cyncie
I'm also open to doemstic adoption. I felt like I was going in circles when I read about it. Any advice about which agency, lawyer, state, etc... that you recommend?
I don't have any specific recommendations since we didn't do a domestic adoption. I do know you don't have to go through an agency or attorney in your state, although the homestudy should be done in your state. I would make a new post asking for advice about domestic adoption agencies and attorneys, and you'll get some responses from people who know more than I do. Keep in mind that cost isn't the only variable, either. You'll want good service, too, in case you run into a situation with the birthparents or some such.
Good luck!
Cyncie..I posted below but you may not have seen it.
by Mia40 (no login)
So I will report now.
Can I ask where you are from? Where do you find a facilitator? and how did you advertise for a birthmom? Any info would be great.
If you want you can e-mail me at mfh886@charter.net.
Thanks,
Mia
Interesting discussion thread on fear of openness in adoption...
by cyncie (no login)
Hi,
I know this is such a big concern for everyone who contemplates domestic adoption. It certainly was/is for my DH and me. Our concern is subsiding now that we are actually (preliminarily) matched and getting to know our birthmom (the scary fantasies are disappearing). Anyway, this is a link to another board. I hope it's OK if I post it here since this question has come up often. You can see that there are different degrees of openness depending on the family. I enjoyed reading the responses. As always they prove, there is no cooky cutter way to adopt domestically. Most of these lean towards openness but you have to evaluate every situation and do what's best for your family.
I know of a couple of people who have adopted from the state. One is over on the Rubber Ducky board and one is a personal friend (she adopted her daughter as a newborn 18 yrs. ago and she just recently got accepted to a really good university). Also, there is woman on the High FSH Playgroup board who adopted her son through the state.
My DH and I are doing a domestic open adoption. We decided what our cap in terms of professionals' fees and birthmom expenses would be and have made all our decisions based on that. We went with a non-profit agency that just charges for services used (as opposed to a one time all inculsive fee). Unfortunately the agency route was takin gforever so we eventually decided to go with a facilitator/consultant who shows you how to do your own outreach. Once we did that we matched pretty quickly with a birthmom who lives at home with her mom and has medical insurance so we will not need to pay rent, food, clothing expenses, etc. In fact, she is adamant about this not "getting weird" with money and prefers to buy her own maternity clothes etc. She doesn't want this to smack of her trying to take advantage or that this look anything like a baby sale. We really like her so much! I feel very lucky! Of course, there are still some travel -related expenses since she lives in another state. But I have met some people through RESOLVE who just indicated that they wanted a birthmom who lived closer to the area...
There are so many ways to go about it, you just might have to be creative and bottom line, do what is best for you and your family. And don't forget there is an adoption tax credit and some employers offer adoption grants.
Can I ask where you are from? Where do you find a facilitator? and how did you advertise for a birthmom? Any info would be great.
If you want you can e-mail me at mfh886@charter.net.
Thanks,
Mia
I forgot to add that lots of people have success and reduced costs with private adoption where you do all your own networking and just use an attorney to file the paperwork. Here is a link to a woman from the DE board and her success story: http://www.network54.com/Forum/57451/thread/1155230798/
And there is a woman on the Rubber Ducky board who also connected with her birthmom through a friend. Her name is Softball Wife if you want to post to her.
In the beginning, our agency suggested we send our letter to all our family and friends to "get the word out" since you really never know where the link is going to come from. DH really felt uncomfortable with that idea so we did nothing. 6 months later when we decided it was time to do more of our own outreach, we sent out an Email to EVERYONE in our address book with a link to our adoption webpage. 2 wks later I get a call from an old friend with whom I barely stay in contact. Anyway, she was skiing in another state and somehow struck up a conversation with a woman in the hotel where she was staying (they were commenting on a screaming child). This other woman mentioned that her daughter was 5 mos. and wanted to place for adoption since she wanted to finish college. We were already involved in our current match, but I was amazed that word of mouth could really be so effective. Granted that placement would have been in another state so we would have had travel expenses there as well. But my point is that there are cheaper ways to do this.
OK, sorry to have rambled. Good luck to you!
Cyncie
If you do one, send it to everyone you know and ask them to send the link on to anyone they think could help (doctors, counselors, or just their friends)...
There are lots of easy ways to do your own website through Yahoo AOL or Comcast or who ever your Internet Service Provider is. Or you can design a site through one of the adoption websites like AdoptionOpen.com (she did our website for us). Then you can link to other sites like luv4adoption.com, parentprofiles, adopting.com, potentialparents.com, etc. They vary in their prices but some are very cheap (like $99.00 one time good till you adopt). When you compare that to newspaper advertising (another popular outreach method among parents who go independent route), it is a pretty good deal. It's intimidating when you start out, cause everyone's site looks so nice and after your read a few, they all start to sound alike. The challenging part is putting your life down in the format and then trying to sound unique. Our faacilitator just kept saying just share what is important to you since you never know what will click for a birthmom. It really could be anything. After I got over comparing ours to others and trying to make it just perfect, the process turned into a neat exercise.
Can you adopt ME??!!? LOL! That is really impressive! I think it's smart to have you describe each other, too, since I'd have a hard time "bragging" on myself. I think putting together something like that would be hard, not knowing what to include and what to leave out. Yours turned out beautifully, though.
You are right, it IS hard to put one of those together. My DH and I met late in life (just married 4 years now) but fortunately we were both able to avoid Internet dating. I have lots of friends who have to post profiles on Match.com, etc. And they never tell family and friends to go have a look at their profile. That was the hardest thing for me to get used to: having our life laid out like that and sending out the link to everyone and linking to so many other sites, etc. DH and I are both pretty reserved... Anyway, glad we did it since it turned out to be the most effective tool and it brought us our potential birthmom, whom we will meet in person tomorrow!!!!
We are in the process of finalizing an adoption through DSS. Our son was 2 yrs. old when we got him a year ago and the adoption should be final in July. We were not out any expense. It has been a positive experience for us.
We haven't done this in ages, but since there seem to be more new posters and lurkers it might be helpful for everyone to share their story and any information that could be helpful. What do you think? How about the following info:
What type of adoption are you pursuing / interested in?
Where are you in the process? (just starting out? home-study approved? waiting for a referral / to be matched? matched? etc.)
Do you already have children?
What have you found most difficult about this process?
What type of adoption are you pursuing / interested in? Domestic open (though we went round and round with decision forever!) We are using an agency and a facilitator.
Where are you in the process? (just starting out? home-study approved? waiting for a referral / to be matched? matched? etc.)
Home study approved and "preliminarily" matched with a potential birthmom. She is coming out to our state to meet us next week. Yikes! We are nervous but very excited.
Do you already have children?
No
What have you found most difficult about this process?
Waiting for the match and fielding all of the questions our friends and family ask us. ("Any news on the adoption front?" "Why does it take so long?" "You better hurry up", etc.)
What have you found to be the easiest?
Once we decided to strike out on our own and do additional outreach, I was surprised how easy it was and especially how effective it was.
What has surprised you?
The friendships we have forged with other adoptive families and the relationship with our potential birthfamily. Everyone has such a different story and most have travelled such a difficult road. We would never have met these people were it not for IF...
What is your favorite book about adoption?
A Love Like No Other: Stories From Adoptive Families
What type of adoption are you pursuing / interested in?
Completed 3 domestic infant adoptions
Where are you in the process? (just starting out? home-study approved? waiting for a referral / to be matched? matched? etc.)
We are done !!!!! 3 is enough
Do you already have children?
My 3 through domestic adoption jeffrey 3 1/2, Lauren 22 months and Timothy 11 months
What have you found most difficult about this process?
two things
1) Getting Started !!! The whole thing seems so over whelming and so hard.
2) Giving up control. Out own version of labor happened during the 3 births. At the hospitla the birthmom calls the shots. She can see the baby when she wants adn you need to sit and smile. You need to be very politcally correct to express propoer love, affection and convern but give her the time with the baby that she deserves and needs.
What have you found to be the easiest?
3) Once we got started is was surprisingly easy. We completed adoptions in 3 years.
What has surprised you?
Our relationship with the birthmom. I know many of you may be afraid of contact but I think in the long run it will help my kids understand adoption. I have an active relationship with my sons birthmom ( same birthmom for both) We talk on the phone frequently. I have met the birthmom of my daughter and even brought my daugher to see her a few months ago but do hear from her regularly
What is your favorite book about adoption?
Adoption for Dummies, Reaching Out ( book about writing dear birthmother letters - www.dearbirthmotherletter.com
We have adopted twice from China and are considering a third, although we may stay with the two we have. They're just so much fun that I don't want to quit!
For me, the most difficult parts were all the paperwork (and goof-ups by almost everyone) and giving up privacy. The cost wasn't a picnic, either.
I suppose shopping was the easiest part, although registering was another matter. LOL! I loved shopping for baby clothes and furniture and all that. So many people hated the wait for a baby, but we were in the queue, we passed review, and it was just a matter of time (when not if), so I sort of enjoyed our last vacation as a couple, decorating the baby room, and all that.
I'm sometimes surprised at the dumb comments we get in public--right in front or our children. And while I'm not surprised that I love my girls, the depth of that love is greater than I imagined.
I suppose my favorite book about adoption is "A Mother for Choco." There are some China specific ones that are also good, but this one always touches my heart.
Adoption is truly a leap of faith, but it's so worth it!
What type of adoption are you pursuing / interested in? Domestic. But not totally sure.
Where are you in the process? (just starting out? home-study approved? waiting for a referral / to be matched? matched? etc.)
Researching agencies/attorneys, etc. Not home study approved.
Do you already have children? No.
What have you found most difficult about this process? Money!
What have you found to be the easiest? I was not expecting all of the great adoption stories I've heard from friends, acquaintances. Everyone (with the exception of DH's family) seems to be really excited for us.
What has surprised you?
I'm surprised by how excited and happy I am at the thought of adoption but then something out of the blue just smacks me and I'm depressed for two days about my infertility all over again. This is happening less and less but it's still hard.
What is your favorite book about adoption?
Adopting After Infertility
Hi Everyone-this is a good idea
What type of adoption are you pursuing????None
We adopted a daughter one year ago through an agency-domestic and open
Do you have children? Yes, a son through IUI and clomid,,he just turned 5
What have you found the most difficult......The whole "no control" issue with the birthparents...You feel like you really don't quite know what their thinking....Feeling torn between my joy and the birthmoms sense of loss for her daughter
The easiest thing....Loving our daughter like she is ours-well she is ours now.....
Most surprising---All the kind people I've met through the adoption experience and the relationship with the birthmom-she's my hero
Favorite book---Tell me again about the night I was born--Jamie Lee Curtis
What type of adoption are you pursuing / interested in?
Domestic adoption.
Where are you in the process? (just starting out? home-study approved? waiting for a referral / to be matched? matched? etc.)
We have the baby (born 4-7-07 and brought him home 4-13-07) and are waiting for the birth father's rights to be terminated in court and then we will wait for finalization.
Do you already have children?
This is the only one.
What have you found most difficult about this process?
Having no power or control NUMEROUS times during the process.
What have you found to be the easiest?
Loving the baby!!!
What has surprised you?
The excitement and support from people I did not except it from.
What type of adoption are you pursuing / interested in?
Domestic - not sure if agency or "other" at this point - probably agency just b/c of location & limited other options. I'd use a reputable facilitator if I had one closer.
Where are you in the process? (just starting out? home-study approved? waiting for a referral / to be matched? matched? etc.) Just starting out - gathering info - have a 3/4 filled out application for an agency
Do you already have children? Yes - our son, "Jet" (black lab
What have you found most difficult about this process? There's no "Ultimate Resource" for the process - you have to just find your own way! And I guess just going thru all the - um - stuff (IF) we had to go thru to get to the point of discovering adoption is The Plan for our family.
What have you found to be the easiest? finding supportive family/friends
What has surprised you? That I survived IF & am still around to consider & be excited about adoption!
What is your favorite book about adoption? Don't have one - but I'm anxious to read recommendations from this board. Y'all rock!!
