Welcome to the Adoption Board! Here is a board for those interested in Adoption to trade information, experiences, and support! This board is dedicated to Julie (Jules) who has tirelessly helped many of us through the adoption process.
new and needing a place to start
by Claire (no login)
My husband and I have finally got to a happy place of accepting our infertility and not wanting to continue going through stressful and disappointing process we have been through. It took us some time to both be 100% about adoption, and now that we have, I have to take the lead role (before he gets frustrated with all the unknowns of adoption).
* Where is a good place to start?
* Any meetings to attend?
* Any agencies you ladies have had a good experience with?
I think we prefer a newborn, but we are not sure if we want to have too much contact with the birthmother... there are a million questions...
Appreciate your inputs.
* Also is there a faster moving adoption site (I am not sure if this site moves very fast- my apologies if I am wrong).
There are lots of people here who have great ideas, don't be discouraged about lack of posts, when a questions is posted you generally get answers quickly.
I spent many years going through IF treatments and then moved to adoption. I now have 3 children via dpmestic infant adoption ( 3 1/2, 22 months and 11 months).
A great place to start is at your local Resolve chapter ( www.resolve.org). DH and I went to a conference they sponsored on adoption and infertility and attended several great sessions. we also got the book Adoption For Dummies ( a great resource for adoption laws in the various states as well as international adoption.)
We ended up working with an independent social worker who does homestudies and then acted as our loca agent. She reccommended several agencies and attorneys. The key for us was to work with organizations out of our home state ( Mass) as they amount of people making adoption plans is low.
We ended up working with Demastus Law Office in Oklahome ( www.dloadoption.com) one of the 9 adoption freindly state in the US ( see adoption for dummies).
Please feel free to poist or email me directly ( click on my name at the post)
Welcome to the board. SueC is right, it slows down until someone posts a question and then people perk up and answer quickly. So here are my suggestions to your questions
Good place to start:
Here is a link to the Adoptive Families magazine's website's Adoption Planner. As you can see, the site is full of links to all kinds of articles so it can be overwhelming, but it does provide sort of a map of what you should be thinking about and what to do first.
Meetings to attend:
As SueC said, I also found the RESOLVE adoption information mtgs. and their annual adoption symposium to be invaluable since you get to meet local adoption professionals and find out more about the differences between private agencies and attorneys. PLUS you get to meet local adoptive families, speak to birthmoms (that helps dissipate the fear of them a bit) and here from adopted children / teens to get their perspective. That was very helpful for us.
Any local adoption agencies will likely have some informational mtgs. that you could attend as well.
Agencies:
Keep in mind you don't necessarily have to work with an agency in your state if you decide to go with an agency. You also don't have to use an agency. YOu could use an attorney and do a private adoption. Some attorneys will conduct a search to help you locate a birthfamily, some don't do that service. There are all kinds of adoption agencies and attorneys and facilitators out there so you definitely want to do some homework and get other people's experience. We started out with an agency that provides all the services on an a la carte style (some agencies have a very high flat fee that includes all sevices and any birhtparent expenses that come up, no matter what your particular birthmom's expenses may or may not be). We liked the a la carte approach since there are so many variables in adoption and we had met several people at RESOLVE mtgs. whose adoptions were not that expensive... YOu have to decide what you are comfortable with.
My DH and I are also hoping to adopt a newborn domestically. At the moment we are currently "preliminarily" matched with someone who found our website on one of the online adoption sites' parent profiles pages. We started out with an agency, but were not getting very many leads from them (they reresent almost 80 couples) so we decided to do some independent outreach and have had really good results from that. (I would recommend doing some of your own outreach in addition to whatever outreach is provided by your attorney or agency since it is not that expensive.) Anyway, this birthmom is coming out to our state next week to meet us face to face, even though after all the conversations we have had, we already feel as though we know each other surprisingly well. We will iron out what all of our expectations are of any post placement contact and do a counseling session with a therapist who will look for any red flags, etc. Please note, even though we were very wary of openness in the beginning, we are hoping for a pretty open adoption and not all adoptive parents want this. Semi-open adoption is another option and there are even a few closed adoptions still being completed though much fewer these days.
I have probably rambled on too much here. I hope I answered some of your questions though. Please keep asking. We are a pretty supportive group even though we are small! What area of the country are from?
Sue and Cyncie both have good advice. I would just add that reading through agency information on-line might help you focus, too, as well as actually meeting with an adoption attorney to review your options and the state of the law where you are.
I cannot tell you much about domestic adoption because we did international adoptions. (I did know one mom who adopted domestically then claimed she'd never go through the first three months again and later adopted internationally the second time. ;b But I can certainly understand wanting a newborn and having that experience.)
I think you'll find yourself drawn to an agency or law firm or type of adoption, and there will hopefully be someone here to help with any specific questions you may have at that point.
Good luck!
I would just add that if you are going to use an adoption agency that you call the state and find out which agencies do not have complaints against them. I am so glad I did this!
starting me with a lot of information. It is a bit overwhelming, but every time I think about adoption, I get tears of joy in my heart. There is something magical about it.
Thank you again, and I will keep you posted as to our progress.
7 yrs latter i was told that my kids names were never change over for 1 and then i get told that are recieving bennifs get told are they living whith me that state adopted them 7yrs go then i was told that they cant recieave benniffs its illegal may some one can help understand this here
I have been wondering about you too, everytime I hear something about Russian adoptions. I hope you weren't swept up into the bureaucratic nightmare and that you and your child are home now.
Thanks for thinking of me.... we are still waiting for our 2nd trip. They think we may go the end of June but I am quickly losing hope. If we do not go at the end of June than it probably will not be until the end of Aug due to long summer vacations.. ugh!
This has got to be so tough! But it sounds as though your adoption is proceeding albeit at a snail's pace. I am so glad to hear that yours wasn't suspended! Thanks for checking back in.. I hope you get good news soon and that you don't have to wait the entire summer!
I saw this on an adoption newsletter that I get via email and think i is a good way to talk abut adoption with your kids
I have two families on this earth,
One by adoption, and one by birth.
My first family was very kind
But then one day they couldn't find
The things they needed to help me grow.
They made a decision out of love, I know.
They said "Good-bye", and then they cried.
But my second family did not hide.
They knew that I should come inside
Their loving home and family.
Now I'm here, and it's best for me.
And I still have two families on this earth,
One by adoption, and one by birth.
That was a sweet article, and it's so true. I think when you become a mom (or dad), you learn the heart of God and how powerfu love can be. It's the best!
One of our good friends called me today and asked me if I knew what was so great about today. I sort of knew where he was going, but he was much more excited than I could get. Anyway, he said it is the last Mothers' Day that I will spend not being someone's mom. In my classic cautious (read neurotic) style, I said that it might not be, since anything could go wrong at anytime with our match. He pointed out that even in that case, the likelihood that another match would materialize before next year is very high.
So I decided to go with his line of thinking. And you know what? It was a happy day!
New to this borad with questions/sorry its long!!!!
by Karen C. (no login)
I am just starting to think about adoption. Ia m not sure about international or domestic. My DH is 46 and I am 38 yrs old so time is of the essence. My Dh also has children from a former marriage that concerns me because they are biologically his. I am very scared and nverouse about all this. I had three failed IVf attepts and am just finishing my 4th attempt my blood test is this friday and I am a nervous wreck. already thinking about adoption. I already have some many issues and concerns regarding my Dh & his feelings regarding his ex-wife (being the mother of his children and I am not) and his children versus me I think is ist fair to bring a child into a marriage where I am already second best to my Dh and his family (particularly his mother and his children) but I so desperatley want a child of my own. I want a family of my own. As nuts as this sounds I see a psychologist and she says to once be selfish and do what I want and what I need . She tells me not to be a martyr that I have enough love for a child myself. Maybe my Dh will surprise me and the child will be the center of his life. I am not his children & his loyalty to his ex-wife are. I am always at the bottom of his list; and have to come to the point that its just the way it is . No one can change someone elsa or how they feel. I just want to love and nuture a child and spend the rest of my life building a family of my own with my dh. i just dont know if ti will ever be possible ( his children are 22 & 20 yrs old for the record they are not little ones any more). TIme is also of the essence. Is it too late for us because of my DH 's agee or my age. I am so scared and nervous about this I dont know where to start. Sorry for going on and on !!!
Re: New to this borad with questions/sorry its long!!!!
by Stacy (no login)
Maybe this is silly, but I can't help but think- what has your dh said about this? Have you talked to him about adoption? Is he interested? If he is involved in the process from the start, I would think he would be more involved later too.
Re: New to this borad with questions/sorry its long!!!!
by Jflyers (no login)
Yes he definitely wants to adopt, but I feel its just to get this nightmare finally over and start living our lives instead of keep doing invetro. I dont know if thats a good enough reason. I love children no matter what. My girlfriends little girl was in my wedding I am very ver close with her . THey know if a anything God forbid happended to them I would take her in a heart beat and raise her as my own. I love her that much. Thats why there is no doubt in my mine that I could raise any child. My feat is that its not being my Dh 's biological child. FOr some reason My Dh puts his ex on a pedstal because she is the mother of his children. Right now that hurts me even more thatn if I was normal and could bear his children. Infertility is a nightmare enough, but I have to battle the bond everyday that they share and if we adopt I still wont be shraing that bond with him and so that will always make he better then me: and when you love someone as much as we all love our dhs the hurt sometimes is unbearable. It eats me up inside. I am sorry again its so long. Its a double nightmare for me. Infertility and dealing with a Dh who thinks so much of someone elsa who is the mother of his chldren. Its a double whammy. When you talk to other men about their ex-wives; they dont have the same feelings. They love their children to do death; but they dont feel anything for thier ex-wife.
Well, I'm not sure if I understand, but I think it would be important for your child not to have his/her father think of him/her as second best. Of course, with all the paperwork and emotions and cost involved with pursuing an adoption, I would guess your husband would be on board with this or it wouldn't work. So he would consider your child together as his, too, right? I'm not really getting that from your post.
I guess I could understand your husband putting his children before you (in a sense), but not his ex before you or his bio children before his adopted children.
There are plenty of people who have extended family who are not keen on their adopted children. The parents just shield their children from these relatives. But I think it would be hard on a child to have a father who thinks of him/her as "less." Many adopted children have issues as it is, and it's important their adoptive parents love them unconditionally.
I don't mean to put a damper on your plans, but I do feel it's important that any child you have (adopted or bio) be fully accepted by your husband. Honestly, I wouldn't want to bring a child into a relationship where you aren't valued. I don't want to advocate divorce and your marriage as such is none of my business, but since you are asking for our opinions, I believe your child might be better in a single parent family than in a family where the father isn't 100% enthusiastic, head over heels in love with your (and his) child. I just have to be honest about that. While having a child might fulfill you, you are asking for heartache for your child; and, someday, you will grieve when you see your child hurting because your love for your child will overshadow anything you are feeling now. I would carefully consider my options before proceeding, and keep in mind that singles may adopt in the US and from many countries, too. Your age will not be a problem for you.
I sure hope you can find a solution that makes you happy and your child happy. I know about wanting a child so much it hurts. Good luck!
I know in my heart that you are right. MY Dhi says he wants to adopt,but I think becasue he justs wants this nightmare finally over, and so do I . BUt that reason is not good enough. WHat you said is exactly how I feel. IT eats me up inside being his second best, WHen his kids are around its like that sceanrio about the doggie in the window that is me. IT hruts but I love him and cant let go. I am not saying he is not a good man. HE really is , but he has this loyality to them over me; ,but I want a child before its too late. I want a fanmily of my own. All this scares me. especially since our fertility specialist cant understand why we are not pregnant. They says we a the perfect textbook case of invetro and dont understand why it dosent work!!!...How ironic is that!!!!
I second everything that the previous posters already said about making sure your marriage is stable before you start any adoption proceedings. Even if you decide to begin the process, there is a pretty detailed homestudy with questionnaires, home visits and at least a couple of interviews of you and then your DH too. The social worker will be looking to see that your marriage seems stable and that any child placed in your home will be loved unconditionally and supported as he or she grows.
You say you don't know where to start. First I would do what I could to make sure your marital relationship is strong and fulfilling before proceeding. I understand and sympathize wholeheartedly with your lifelong desire to become a mom, but I hope you are not seeking to heal a wound caused by feeling second-best in your marriage by adopting a child who will love you unconditionally. It wouldn't be fair to the child.
Your age is not a factor for most adoptions. DH and I are 44 and were contacted by several potential birthmoms. And I have single women friends who have adopted domestically and internationally.
I hope I didn't sound harsh. That wasn't my intention. I sympathize with you as I was in a troubled marriage years ago and I remember how exhausting and demoralizing it can be trying to figure out how to make things right.
You are not sounding too harsh. I know its the truth. I want a child and I am running out of time. My Dh is a good man. HE just has some kind of bond with his ex. and his kids mean the world to him. I sometimes think because I am so strong and so independant. I got married at 34 and this is my first marriage. He feels they need him and his first responsibility is to the three of them and then to me. I guess I kind of blame myself for all this because my prior rleaitonship was the same thing but there was a good reason for him to be like that. I am married to this one. I feel in my heart I should come first!!!! TIme is running out and when you really think about it. ITs not a behavioral issue. ITs whats in his heart and how he feels. HOw does one change that. I dont know where my marriage is going to go but I know I dont want to live the rest of my life without a child of my own to raise and nutre. I know in my heat that i WILL BE A GOOD MOTHER..
I read below that you are from Massachusetts. I just did my last FET cycle and if it does not work may want to consider adoption. Can I ask which attorney you went thru. Did they find the birthmother for you and can you tell me roughly how much the process may cost us.
Thank you so much for any info you can give.
Mia
I used an out of state attorney Demastus Law Office in Oklahoma ( www.dloadoption.com) . Oklahoma is one of the 9 most adoption friendly states in the country ( from adoption for dummies) as the birthparents can sign the paper work giving up parental rights 3 days after birth and it is irrevicable.
I used Adoption Resource Associates ( Dr Laura Nemeyer) she is an independent social worker who does your home study and then acts as your local Massachussetts agency. This frees you up to go any where in the country to aodpt. She is WONDERFUL !!!! and recommended demastus Law Office. She will works with you if you want to adopt internationally.
Please feel free to email me if I can help or if you want to speak on the phone.
What is the difference between Agency and Adoption Attorney
by caz (no login)
Hi, as we inch forward in this process I am just wondering what the difference is between using an agency and using an adoption attorney. The agency we used for our homestudy is wanting us to put our portfolio together so we can be in their pool, which I am not adverse to doing since we don't have to pay them until the child is placed. But before I spend the money for the portfolio, I am curious as to what an agency can do for us that an attorney cannot.
I'm NO EXPERT - just beginning the process myself. I wondered this as well since it seems an attorney COULD BE a less expensive way to go depending who you use & how you look at it. My understanding is with some adoption attorneys, you have to do the BM advertising yourself - so you'd have to factor in that expense in addition to the legal fees. But I'm sure they guide you thru the process & some may include this service??? Not sure. Also, I know you want to make sure BM & BF receive counseling along the way... Basically, my feeling is a good licensed agency is more comprehensive in the services offered - but you always have to double check what's provided no matter which way you go. I'm sure some attorneys provide everything... Also I assume you're going to incur add'l legal fees if you go thru an agency... I always hear it's "safer" to go thru a licensed agency - but I know there are girls (some on this bd) that have had really good experiences just using an attorney. Curious to see other (more informed!!) responses.
I think there is so much more to learn from talking with people who have different personal experiences. There are so many things to consider, there is no way perfect for everyone. Sue C has had a great experience with attorney path and so has my sister. I will let SueC tell you about hers. My sister used an attorney who did the search for her and gave some counseling referrals. Many attorneys function almost as full service agencies too. I think DH and I will end up using an attorney in our situation too but the attorney will just file paperwork as we did our own outreach and found this situation ourselves. We started with an agency which was a pay-as-you-go a la carte pricing, so ultimately if all goes well with this match the agency will have been used just to complete our home study (and of course we did pay to be included in their pool but that didn't bring us any leads so we struck out on our own). I am really on the run right now so this is disjointed.
I will try to write a more coherent post later. Also if you want to Email me I would be happy to discuss more details of our situation with you: tony and cynthia B at yahoo dot com
Glad to hear you are inching forward in the process. DH and I inched for a couple of years before we broke into a walk and finally a jog!
Re: What is the difference between Agency and Adoption Attorney
by Stacy (no login)
We used an adoption agency with no complaints against them (I called the state to find this out). From what I can tell, the main difference between using an GOOD agency and using a lawyer is that the birth parents get counseling and have a social worker to help them with everything. This way they are less likely to change their minds. The social worker at our adoption agency makes sure that this is something they want to do and that no one is pushing them to do it. Also, they distribute the portfolio to birth parents and you don't have to do anything with it, besides make it. I'm thinking that it is cheaper to use an attorney, but I think using an agency helps make sure everything is done correctly and with less issues.
I used Demastus Law Office in Oklahoma for all three aopdtion. They acts as both the agency and the attorney, they did the advertising although you could pay extra to do additional adveritising. They also provided alot of services such as counselling and escorting the birthmoms to the doctor, finding apartments, furniture etc.. They act as a second ( sometmes first) mom to the women.
I think this is the MOST imortant part. The counselling and services ehlp wot ensure that you are mathced with a birthmom who is sure about her decision and then will follow through. In addition, making sure that the women get good prenantal care is crucial.
The cost of the adoptions was not cheap $31,000 - $35,000 just for their fees and birthmom expenses ( more for local homestudy and travel). However, I think we saved in the long ru by doing things with someone who will ensure that issues are handled as they occur ( and they might!) One great thing about using a lawyer is that they represent you in the event of problems.
I'm new to this board and am considering a domestic adoption, after suffering with infertility for over 10 years. We plan to work with an adoption attorney as opposed to an agency. I've read some information that concerns me and I'd love some clarification on this subject. Is it possible to have a domestic adoption, whereby the prospective adoptive parents meet the birthmother, but once the baby is born, the birthmother (and birthfather) give up all rights to any future contact with the adoptive parents? How likely is it to find this type of arrangement? How would this type of adoption be phrased - a semi-open adoption, or is it called something else? Any insights on the best way for us to proceed is greatly appreciated!
I have 3 kids through domestic infant adoption/ I also used an attoerny ( but they work just like an agency).
I understand your concern about contact but in many cases, the birthmom is the one who stops the conact after birth. You will limit your opportunities for adoption if you reqest no contact after birth. My attorneys advised us to be very non committal about the amount and frequncy of contact and let things work out as they may.
You may find that after you want some minimal contact after the baby is born. Take a look at the artical a few posts down it may give you some additional persepective.
I have 2 sons and a daughter, I have frequent contact with the birthmom of the 2 boys ( same birthmom). She has become a personal friend but since we do not live close the contact for the most part is over the phone. My oldest is 3 1/2 and the baby is 10 months. When the baby was born, I brought my oldest boy to meet his birthmom. he knows her as Miss melissa and as a family friend.( no a birthmom at this point)
I did not get a chance to meet my daughters birthmom at the birth or even after. she contacted the law office and requested pictures almost a year later and shortly before the birth of my youngest son. I sent her a letter and offered to meet her since I would be in the area for the birth of the baby. I had really regretted not getting a picutre of her or a cnahce to meet her at the birth. We got together and had a wonderful chat. One month later I returned with my daugher ( I from Massachussetts and adopted in Oklahoma). I gave her our address and phone number but have not heard from her since. I think the sepration was even harder the second time and she is trying to move on.
My thoughts are that I do not want the birthmoms to be a mystery to my kids
and some contact with the birthmom ( controlled and from a distance) will help make it that way,
...for your detailed response. I'm happy to hear you're situation has worked out well for you and your children. However, we are not open to an open arrangement that would entail even occassional contact with the birthparent(s).
So, I'd like to know, based on your knowledge, does an adoption whereby the adoptive parents meet the birthmother before birth, but have no contact afterward, still exist in the world of newborn adoptions? I don't care if our options are limited, I'd just like some idea if the option I would consider is at all available?
Everything is negotiable. Although most agencies/lawyers say they do open adoptions, they can work with you to find a situation that will suit your needs.
We met the birth mother and she wants a letter and pictures twice a year that we send to the adoption agency and they send on to her. They called ours a semi open because we met her. Our adoption agency told us that if we didn't want to meet the birth parents at all, we would wait A LOT longer. If we are were willing to meet and send pictures, we would not wait long. We officially waited 70 days (after all the paperwork, homestudy, etc.) From our agency and talking to other adoptive parents, most birth moms want to meet you.
Welcome to the board! Yes, it is possible to adopt a new-born and not have post placement contact with birthparents. I have two friends who were called to the hospital to adopt their children just after they were born. Both birthmoms wanted no contact with the family or the children after that.
Also, I was contacted by 3 different potential birthmoms (with verified pregnancies). Two of them initially thought they would want no contact after the baby was placed. And one wanted updates and an annual visit. The latter had placed a baby before with a family who lives in her city and enjoys a very open relationship--we live across the country from her so our situation would have been very different. Ultimately she suspended her search for an adoptive family due to some drama with her husband. We have since matched with one of the women who initially thought she wouldn't want contact, but since we have been getting to know each other over the past month, I think she is opening up to the idea of a more open arrangement. She lives in another state so we won't be visiting every weekend.
My own sister adopted both her children one in the 80s and one in the 90s. One of her birthmoms does contact her to chat on the phone, but she has never spoken with my nephew. My sister sends her pics and updates fairly regularly. THe other birthparents really don't have that much interest in maintaining contact or even getting updates though they said they would be open to meeting with my niece if she wants to know them after she turns 18.
My point in telling you all this is just to let you know that there are potential birthmoms out there who don't necessarily want contact after placement, but most do want to meet you before choosing you so that they can feel confident of their decision to place with you. When their is no contact or limited contact arranged through an agency, it is usually considered a semi-open adoption.
