Welcome to the Adoption Board! Here is a board for those interested in Adoption to trade information, experiences, and support! This board is dedicated to Julie (Jules) who has tirelessly helped many of us through the adoption process.
Anyone going to the Adoption Option program in Philly this Sat, May 12?
by HP (no login)
Hi- I'm new to adoption and really just going to check things out, stay open to the road ahead, etc. I'm from that area and just wondering who I'll see there. I'm going alone - DH is too crazy with his busniess to join.
I haven't even thought of questions to consider (beyond countries, gender, costs, matching, home interview). Any advice on what I can expect from this Resolve-sponsered program?
Thanks.
I don't know what you should expect except maybe an overview. You'll want to know how old the babies available are and what requirements there are to adopt from different places. If you have to make $80,000 per year to adopt from country x and you only make $60,000, then that will help you narrow down your choices.
I would want to know the relative health of children from certain countries. I would want to know how stable the programs are and what some of the emerging countries that offer adoption are. Cost will be important. Time will be important. Travel requirements might be important. What to look for in an agency would be good to know. I assume they'll cover open adoption, foster-adoption, and closed adoption as well as the difference between using an agency and using a private attorney. I would want some information on how much time a birthmother has to change her mind and how that works. I would want to know what happens if you get a child who has problems. I'm sure there is more to know, but I would guess that after an overview, you'll find yourself drawn to different choices, and you'll find the answers you need from doing an internet search from there.
I think this will be a good way to learn about what is available, and you may find questions pop into your mind as you're hearing things. Just go and be a sponge and meet some people and have fun! This is the start to your baby!
Hi and welcome to the board! My DH is from Philly suburbs but now we live in California. Anyway, if it is anything like the RESOLVE programs out here, you will learn a ton and meet many people just like you as well as reputable adoption professionals in your area, adoptive parents, birthparents and adoptees. The sessions are so informative and the Q and A sessions to follow are very helpful. If there is a social hour/mixer that follows, you will be able to meet and greet and forge even more relationships. You will probably feel overwhelmed but with a much better idea of where to begin to explore the different paths if that's ultimately what you decide to do.
If I were you, I would glance at some basic adoption reading material beforehand so you have a little more informed base going into the conference. I always find that if I do a little research and become a bit more conversant before meeting with an RE (just a tried and true example) or an adoption atty, then I can take in more of the details they flood you with. Here is a good site that gives an overview of the adoption process jsut so you can familiarize yourself. There are links to lists of questions to ask agencies and lawyers too...
Hi Ladies--I'm a SAHM to my 5 year old bio son (miracle baby) and my 1 year old DD through domestic adoption....Anyway all my friends are having 3 and 4 children....Most of them got pregnant with ease...A good friend announced her 4 pregnancy the other day and I still felt a tinge of anger/jealously....I know this sounds crazy because I love my family and honestly don't think I could handle four....I guess I still wish I could have had a normal pregnancy and I still feel like my body failed me somehow....I'm nuts....Jennifer
I don't think you're nuts at all. I don't have any children (yet) but I've heard that having children doesn't necessarily erase the scars of infertility. You've been through something traumatic. I think it's okay to recognize that. Hugs.
I still feel very uncomfortable when people discuss pregnancy, labor and delivery. I feel cheated out of the experience. I read articles of these women who are paralyzed, ill or other getting pregnant and deleveirng yet I am a healthy person but could not achieve this.
I have 3 kids through domestic adoption and would not trade them for a bio child but wish I could have gone through the experience.
These discussions will help us answer questions our kids may ask as they get older.
I never wanted to be pregnant or go through childbirth, but I did want that biological link and see how a child with my genes and DH's genes would turn out. Also, we voluntarily gave up on IF after several tries even though we were told we had an exceptionally good chance at success if we kept at it. I just didn't like the emotional, financial, or physical toll it was taking. So we CHOSE to move on (and always wanted to adopt in addition to having a bio child) yet I still have feelings of jealousy when I hear about someone being pregnant--especially when it was an OOPS. I have a mixture of feelings, really, but jealousy is certainly one. If you're nuts than so am I, and I have more reason to be because I sort of chose this. I think the fact that you realize you have these feelings is healthy, really.
Here I go referring to my sister's experience again, but she is already a adoptive parent and I am not yet so her experience has been very enlightening to me. Anyway, she suffered from endo, adopted her wonderful, wonderful children 17 and 13 yrs. ago and never looked back, never pined for bioligic kids, etc. But a couple of years ago, when she was 50, her endo started acting up again and she had to have a hysterectomy. She said all of a sudden, she became depressed and bitter about her IF all over again. She suddenly was jealous of pregnant women, couldn't bear to hear stories of pregnancy and labor, etc. She said she just felt betrayed by her body and reminded that that whole aspect of her never worked properly. Maybe she had twinges of that through the years too, but it really exploded again around her surgery.
I have similar emotions as yours. I am getting so excited about our adoption. I am ready to be a mom. I know that I will love this child unconditionally. I am not even sure that pregnancy would be best for me since I have had some health issues in the past that might be excacerbated by pregnancy. NONETHELESS, I still feel sad that I will never have experienced that. I still feel a little defective somehow and am very uncomfortable hearing pregnancy and birth stories. My younger sister just gave birth to her first at 41 after more than 10 yrs. on the pill and ambivalence about motherhood--she got pregnant the first month after stopping BCPs. You can surely imagine how difficult that was for me! I think there is an aspect of IF that never goes away. It's just part of your identity. Doesn't mean you are crippled by it or that you wrangle with it day to day. And in fact, you probably are thankful in some strange way for it since it has brought you the wonderful kids you have now. But there it is and there it will be. Like so many other things in our lives that weren't pleasant experiences but that somehow have brought us to a good place. You are definitely not alone in this!
Sorry I went on so long! I am glad you posted this.
Cyncie
Give yourself a break. Most of my friends (younger than me) have 2 or more kids and are planning the next one. I just got number 1 and worry that I may not get number 2. Sometimes it bothers me, but then I think about how thankful I am for my new little addition!
This is a long article that appeared in the Washington Post's Sunday magazine but it is well worth the read for anyone considering domestic adoption. If you have time, click on the discussion link in the last paragraph at the end of the article (I think the link is called "Monday Noon" or something). So many adoptive parents (domestic as well as international) birth parents and adoptees wrote in. This discussion was very good, represented many points of view and really made the point that in adoption, one shoe definitely doesn't fit all.
Thanks so much for posting. Even if you don't think Open Domestic Adoption is your thing, it's still a great read. I love hearing ALL KINDS of adoption stories!
As you all know, the media oftentimes portrays adoption in a bad light. So many horror stories and sensationalism. It’s rare to find a good, honest story like this one.
Birthmom and her mom are coming out for 5 days around the first weekend in June. I am nervous about everything: all our house projects are not done (we are slowly fixing up an older home), my work project won't be done, and nursery isn't finished, etc. I am a control freak and want everything to be perfect!! I know, I know, I have to let all that go ESPECIALLY as DH and I are about to become parents!! Actually, I can't wait for the chaos, sleep deprivation and constant worry of parenthood to begin! But mostly I am just nervous about finally meeting BM and her mom face to face and doing all the intense therapy sessions. Such a strange way to start out a relationship! BM, her mom, DH and I have talked about this and have all agreed that while this journey is so intense and strange, keeping lines of communication open is critical and all we can do is be ourselves and speak up when something doesn't feel right. I REALLY like them both so much that despite the nerves (and occasionally entertaining worst case scenarios) I am finally letting myself get excited about moving forward on this path and especially doing it with them. Well, those are my feelings today. Let's see what tomorrow brings with this roller coaster ride!
You should keep a journal. If things don't work out, it would be therapeutic. But assuming they do, it would be a wonderful way to document your start to your new baby. He or she would love reading about how you and the birthmother came to know each other and about your feelings for him/her.
I'm still excited for you, but I'm afraid to go all out and do the Snoopy dance just yet. Thanks for the update! This may be the first step to your child!!!
I should journal. Don't know where I will find the time though... Maybe I should just print a copy of my posts here and Emails to friends and family about the process...
I am afraid to do the Snoopy dance too (and I actually have a wacky version of it for special occasions since I am a former dancer!) Thank goodness DH is so centered. He just keeps telling me to take it one day at a time... I know he is right, but sometimes he drives me nuts! That's when I come and post here.
I know just how you feel!!!!! When we had BM and her parents over to our house for dinner, I was a nervous wreck! It was much worse than when we met them out for dinner. But, you'll do just fine (just like I did). How exciting ... and scary ... but exciting!! I'm not making you feel better, am I? Sorry about that, but you really are going to do just fine!!!
No you aren't making me feel that much better! But I have realized that no one can and believe me MANY have tried. As you well know, you just have to ride the roller coaster of emotions. And in fact the thing that makes me feel the most support is knowing that you and everyone else here GETS that it's impossibe to "relax" and feel better. Sometimes I feel silly posting the tiniest little updates, but I think other IFers and hopeful adoptive parents are the only people who can understand how exciting one little step forward can be.
Thanks for listening and responding! That's just what the doctor ordered!
I would be nervous about everything too, but it's after when you realize that you didn't need to worry so much! You are all smart- keeping the lines of communication open is critical and will make all the difference. It sure is a roller coaster ride and no one can even begin to understand it unless they go through it!!!! Good luck and it will be fine!
Thanks for your support. I keep looking to people like you who have already succeeded as inspiration that it really is worth the crazy roller coaster ride. I have to say that I really am looking to getting off the roller coaster of matching and starting the craziness of parenting!
Wow that's awesome and scary at the same time...Are they staying with you and DH??? I think the therapy sessions are an excellent idea...We had very poor communication with our first adoption that failed....Don't worry about your unfinished projects---I doubt she cares about that, she just wants a loving home for her little one....I will think of you often go ahead and obsess,,,,Jennifer
Sorry I just noticed this response! No, they aren't staying with us. We are putting them up in a nearbyguest apt. Yes, they have both told me not to worry so much about the projects or the fact that the nursery isn't totally buffed out yet. She said she already knows we will make great parents and seeing a perfect nursery wouldn't change that. (Have I said how much I like them yet??? I REALLY like her and her mom!)
Hi Everyone,
I have lurked here for awhile, my dh and I are still going back and forth with the idea of adoption/egg donor/trying to make it happen on our own with an RE...Here is my question though, I work with a girl who is due in about 9 weeks and has decided to give the baby up for adoption. She has met with one local family who is a pretty good fit but she hasn't signed off on any paperwork. I wanted to mention to her about being interested in adopting but I don't want it to be weird between us. My husband is in the military and we will most likely be moving from this area in about a year and if we would adopt this baby-or any baby, I would not be going back to work while we lived here. And she is planning on not coming back to the same job after the baby is born. Does anyone here have any suggestions on how or if to bring this up with her? Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks, Stephanie
Maybe instead of asking about her baby you could ask if she has a pregnant friend who would also be interested in having her baby adopted or if her RE knew of another woman who wanted to give her baby up for adoption. This lets her know of your interest in adoption without putting her personally on the defensive. Maybe she'd consider you or maybe she'd just pass your name along. Either way, she'd know of your interest and wouldn't feel pressured too much, I think.
Wow, it seems like you have a tremendous opportunity at hand! It is illegal in every state (except Colorado, but I think it will be soon turned over) to sign relinquishment papers before a child is born. So, she cannot have already signed any paperwork with the other couple.
I would definitely let her know that you and DH are considering adoption. If she has been up front enough to tell you that she is planning to place her baby, then it seems to me that the door has been opened and all you have to do is step through. Maybe just ask her how the search for a match is proceeding. If she says "very well" and it seems that she wants to proceed with this other couple, then ask her how she found them and mention that you and your DH are just getting started on the adoption path and would like to know how to make yourself available for consideration by other birthmoms. She might not have bonded or experienced that special click with the other couple yet. If that's the case, she might really like to know that there is someone else to consider (expecially someone she might already know and trust).
Now is not the time to be shy ! I would mention to her that you are activly pursuing adoption and would love to be considered. You may metntion that if she is intersted in dicusiing this further you can set up some time outside of work to get together.
You never know it might bring her great comfort to know you as well as she does.
I don't know if anyone remembers but DH and I had been contacted a couple of times by a birthmom who had already placed one child for adoption. She told us she and her boyfriend really liked us, but wanted to take more time with her decision since the adoptive parents of fher other child had betrayed their agreement with her and had changed numbers, never sent a single update (even though all she wanted were pics and a letter once every 3 years--barely a semi-open relationship). She told us she was sort of torn between us and another couple and just having a hard time deciding. She had no phone and didn't use Email and was in another state so I couldn't talk with her and develop any relationship with her. We would just wait to see when she would call on a public phone so I could never tell if was a trust issue, ambivalence or she just wasn't clicking with us. Then we sort of lost contact with her since she doesn't have a phone or Email, we had to wait for her to call us on a public phone and she just stopped calling. She is still in contact with our facilitator from time to time but has never seem that interested in calling to speak with us on a regular basis, which told me that there is some sort of indecision on her part. So DH and I decided to let go of that potential match.
Meanwhile, another woman found our website and contacted us. We have been Emailing and speaking on the phone for about 3 weeks now. We have really begun to bond, have quite a bit in common and the conversation has always been easy. I really enjoy our phone calls with her. Anyway, she has also been speaking with our facilitator as well, confirming pregnancy and getting paperwork and insurance in order, etc. SO, our facilitator has given us the green light to consider her as a potential match. Now we will fly her and her mom out to spend several days out here so they can get a sense of our life, do some counseling together and set up a plan for our post-placement relationship (we would like an open arrangement even though we live in different states). If all goes well, then we will consider it a full-fledged match.
Of course nothing is written in stone as you all know. She is not due till end of July/first of August. And a lot can happen. But DH and I both feel REALLY good about this match. But as Janet posted below, DH and I both still feel very guarded and I (not DH) even get irritible and weepy occasionally. I am afraid to let myself get too excited. I hope that will change once we get a good long visit with them. It does seem like we are on a really good path. Actually those were the birthmom's words to me the last time we spoke...
Anyway, that's our news. Yikes it's inconceivable to me that some people just have a roll in the hay and they are off and building a family!
Cyncie---Wow-this is good news and thanks for the book recommendation on dealing with the open adoption relationship....It is so hard to go through the roller coaster of emotions with adoption....I think it's very important for the birthmom to have someone supportive of the adoption on her side..Our first adoption failed and it was very devastating....I definately had many sleepless nights and thought about giving up after the first failure...The hard part is having absolutely no control in the situation....They call all the shots and you don't really know what their thinking...From what you said you will meet with your facilitator/counselor and the birthmom and that is a great idea....With our DD the birthmom contacted the adoption agency when she was 7 weeks old..We met with her 1x a week for four weeks until she was positive of her decision....That was SO hard and her family was not supportive of the adoption plan so in the back of my head I thought failure again....My good friend that has two adopted children said to me..."You will get the baby that is meant to be yours" and now it seems all so true but so hard at the time....I think you need to be cautiously optimistic but excited also because you will be a parent soon.......This journey will make you a better person...Keep us posted....Jennifer
I know that adoption will make us better people. Everyone I know who has done any kind of adoption says that. I think the emotional risks, the trust and compassion required in open adoption make that even more true (well as long as you are working with good, ethical professionals who know how to screen birth and adoptive parents well!). At least that is what most people in our adoption support group who are on the other side tell DH and me.
It is nice to know that we are getting closer to becoming parents. I try to think of these uncomfortable stressful feelings as growing pains on the way!
Thanks again for your thoughts. I will definitely keep you posted! And I hope you will do the same.
Cyncie
Sounds like this new match is very very promising!!
by Sarah (no login)
If you don't mind me asking, you said your BM found you through your website? Did you set one up through an adoption website or something where you bought a domain name, etc. DH and I would be interested in this.
We did do a website with our adoption agency but never have gotten any matches through the agency. At some point, we decide to add another adoption professional to our team to increase our chances. So we signed up with our facilitator/consultant. In her service she shows you how to do your own robust outreach campaign, including flyers for OBs and a website that her designer helps you develop, which gets listed on her page. Since the website was our own design, we didn't have to follow the standardcookie cutter formula of the agency's guidelines and therefore we could represent ourselves better. I think it gave a much better sense of who we are so we could stand out and birthmoms could decide if they wanted to speak to us or not. You don't have to hire a professional designer, there are many cheaper ways to do your own site and still make it pretty unique.
Anyway, then you can link your website to some of the online adoption pages such as www.adoptiononline, www.adopting.com, www.luv4adoption.com, etc. Some are pretty pricey like Parent Profiles (we never linked to them) but others arereally quite reasonable (like a one time $99 fee till you adopt). Some people like to run ads in newspapers but that is very expensive, so we elected not to do that! Anyway, as soon as we did this new outreach, we started getting calls and Emails pretty quickly (after months of nothing with the agency). We have been waiting in the agency's outreach program for a year but we just launched our own "outreach campaign" at the end of January/beginning of Feb of '07. I think I got my first Email from an OB around the first of February.
Ultimately, I am really glad we stepped up and took control of our own outreach efforts instead of just waiting for something to develop with the agency (or hiring an expensive attorney to search for us). After all, they are representing so many other families, so we just never really stood out. Plus I think this adoption will be much cheaper since we will do it with a private adoption attorney rather than paying 2 separate agency's fees. Judging by the calls I have gotten I get the sense that more and more birthmoms are taking the responsibility of doing their own online searches in hopes of doing an independent adoption rather than putting themselves in control of agencies. They really want to be pro-active in selecting the adoptive families. Fortunately our agency wasn't a shared-risk-pay-a-flat-fee-up-front, but rather a pay-as-you-go-for-services-you-use basis. So we aren't out any big chunk of money, except for the outreach fee which wasn't too terribly much (maybe that's why we weren't getting any hits!).
I hope I answered some of your questions and didn't confuse you with too much info! Good luck!
It does sound promising, and I know it's hard to get your hopes up too much. It would be so awesome if this worked out, though. I'll hold good thoughts for you and look forward to your updates.
I understand about the weepy part, that's for sure! OMG ... Cyncie, this sounds so promising! I can't wait to hear more, and I couldn't be happier for you and your DH!
Hi, Y'all! I'm Janet, and up until a month and a half ago I was a regular on the ttc board. Then, one day before the results of yet another failed IVF attempt (this one cancelled due to the cyst from hell), we got a random call from a friends mother. She's an adoption attorney and found us a birthmom....before we'd even officially been cleared for adoption from our agency.
So, if things continue to go well, we'll adopt a little baby boy at the end of May. We're incredibly excited! But I've also got a question for you ladies--especially the ones who have been through the "matched and waiting" part of the process.
I feel tremendously nervous and short-tempered lately. I'm so excited to finally become a mom and am having fun picking out baby stuff, but I'm so much more impatient and snappy with my husband. I can't figure out why, except may the stress. I'm worried the birthmom will change her mind, or her SOB abusive soon-to-be ex-husband will not sign the papers, or the state will take the baby away or, or, or...
Is this normal? Shouldn't I just be totally happy? Instead I sort of feel like I'm losing my mind 1/3 of the time, like I need a sedative or something? Seriously, am I nuts or is this normal?
Thanks for reading--I look forward to getting to know y'all. We met our birthmom last weekend and I'm finally feeling confidant enough to start posting.
I've never been in your situation, but I can imagine that the stress (not to mention any leftover meds or hormones) would cause all kinds of conflicting emotions. I would probably be happy but anxious and nervous. I tend to get snappish when I'm under stress, so I can imagine feeling and acting as you are. And maybe there are also still issues about not being pregnant. But you can adopt and keep trying, too. Adopting isn't necessarily about giving up on a bio child. You aren't slamming shut a door just because you adopt this little boy.
I'm sorry about the cyst from hell. I'm excited about this baby! And I think what you're feeling is normal, under the circumstances. Do keep us posted and good luck!
Welcome to the board. First, I am sorry to hear about your IF struggles. But I am thrilled for your relatively quick success at adoption! Talk about a roller coaster ride!
I know what you mean about irritability. I find I have a very short fuse these days and am occasionally weepy as well. My DH and I have been in a very interesting situation for the last 6 weeks or so where we are sort of matched but not completely sure enough to let ourselves get completely excited. Like you I am finally feeling confident so I will post my update on a separate thread. But anyway, I have been SO stressed out with work and then these adoption leads on top of that, that I just feel exhausted by the tension and yet I can never seem to relax and get any kind of real rest. I think it is totally normal. The fact is, even though adoption is a sure way to get to motherhood, but the path to is unpredicatable and that lack of control is very stressful. In fact I don't think many adoptive parents can allow themselves to feel "totally happy" until the baby is in their arms and relinquishment papers have been filed. And even then, the bottom line in adoption is that there is a sense of loss suffered by everyone in the adoption triad: The birthparents for obvious reasons, the adoptive parents for the loss biological connection to their child and the fact that they can't celebrate a pregnancy (not even now that they are "matched") and revel in the anticipation (for fear that it might not happen), and of course the child who will have to come to terms with the fact that even though you have chosen him/her, someone else chose not to parent him/her.
I would recommend some adoption support groups if you have any in your area. My DH and I attend one through our facilitator once a month and it has been really great. Of course these online support communities are invaluable as well!
How did you like the birthmom? Do you see yourself maintaining any sort of relationship with her after the birth? Wow, the end of May is right around the corner!
I am looking forward to getting to know you as well. Good luck with all your preparations! We are just starting to get our nursery together as well!
Janet---Congrats on the match--This is a highly emotionally time and these feelings are so normal....Just remember--you have no control of the situation and maybe if the adoption doesn't work out it wasn't meant to be....I speak from experience so just know that you will eventually you will get your baby....I had many crazy sleepless nights over the whole situation...You are not alone---Keep us posted and don't give up.....Jennifer
I've been wondering when you were going to meander over here! You are so normal (heehee)! Bet you don't hear that everyday, huh? When we were in the middle of the adoption-that-didn't-happen, I was totally NUTS! My DH even said that he thought I loved the baby more than him (a little jealousy - no?) Anyway, all I can say is that I totally understand. You have lots to prepare for, and it's still very daunting because you have to be so vulnerable to a change of heart. I know that this hasn't come easy for you, and that you've been down this road of adoption many times but this is the first time you've been so close. It's understandable that you are being short-tempered. You're on the home stretch, sweetie, hang in there!!!
Hey Sista!!!!!!! Glad to see you on board!! DH & I have been out of town & crazy busy the last few months - but when we settle down in one place long enough we intend to pursue adoption! (Application is 3/4 filled out It's so nice to see a familiar face over here! I've missed The One-Liners ~
Of course what you're experiencing is normal - & I agree with all the wise women above. Every ounce of aggrivation will be worth it That Sweet Day
Of course you are excited, worried, and stressed! How can you be anything else? It is completly normal to worry about them changing their minds and/or any other issues. After wanting a child for so long, you can't help but be excited and keep some guard up in case something happens. I will keep my fingers crossed for you and hope you have no snags.
Hello
My home is ready to accept a baby girl immediately as I had a baby here for 2months and we fully took care of her, Let me begin again
Due to ovarian cysts and a tumor - I am unable to give birth, I have been wanting to adopt for years but the fees were always my hang up, My friends and family members all know I am looking to adopt and are very very supportive. 9 weeks ago, A former co-worker of mine called me at work and told me that their daughter had just had a baby and neither one of them where able to take care of her, ( birth mom was 14yrs old) - She expressed to me that they had talked about adoption - but then thought about me and my husband. I was excited but also protective. I told her - Talk to your daughter - I want to make sure this is what she wants to do,--Does she want to meet with us first???? I could have gotten the baby that day but decided to wait to allow to birth mother to be sure, after a few days I received a call that everything was a go, We talked directly to the birth mom and she felt that she wanted to finish school and knew that she could not take care of the baby. That evenig they brought the baby to us, a beautiful baby girl... I was so excited and we went shopping, I agreed to open adoption and that I had no problem with sending photos, and letters on the baby progress. 2 months passed and I was still waiting for us to finalize the guardianship paperwork, then I got a call, the teen birth mother wants her baby back, She had heard how good the baby was doing and felt she could do the same for the baby with her sisters help.
I gave the baby back - heart broken, but I have trust in God and know he has not forsaken me, I call often to check on her and I offer my help.
I am fully prepared to take a baby in my home, we have shoes until the baby wears a size 2, we have clothing until the baby wears a size 12mths- we have a bed, we have carrier, bouncer, blankets, onesies, sleepers etc..... We are looking for a birth mother who is willing to work with us. We can raise a child bit we can not afford the adoption agency fees that don't go to the child anyway.
My husband is a youth pastor and I am a praise dance instructor working with teh youth department in our church, we both have jobs, and a stable christian home.
I don't have any leads or information for you. I just wanted to say you sound like a really strong lady. How excrutiating it must have been to give the baby back to her birth mother. Best of luck to you.
So sorry about the loss of that baby. Sounds like you are so ready to be a mom. You might check out projectcuddle.org as an option. There is always foster care, too, but that can be awfully emotional and full of more of what you just went through. I think you also need to keep doing what you're doing--getting the word out about your interest.
Good luck!
We have a domestic open adoption with our DD's birthparents..Our DD just turned 1 and we have a 5 year old bio DS ..The birthparents relationship is on and off constantly and we are not positive that he is the bio father...(they did not test DNA and she reported another possibly father) Birthmom calls about once a month and we meet about every other month...Sometimes with birthdad or not...Birthmom also has a 8 year DD parented by her ex-husband. Recently she called and said birthdad was in jail on drug charges...Well now she called today and said that he has a 7 month old daughter with another woman in town that she recently learned about....I find myself wondering how to handle the extent of openness now that my daughter will shortly begin to identify us as her family. I feel I want to protect her from all this craziness.....I guess I'm also worried about the future--not that she won't be bonded to us but finding out all the drama down the line....Anyone have any thoughts...I guess I need to probably set up some strong boundaries with birthmom....It also secretly disgusts me that this birthdad has four kids with different mothers and isn't responsible for them......On the bright side, I have a beautiful daughter from all of this craziness....Hope I didn't complain too much, just confused Jennifer
I understand this issue completly. I have three children through domestic adoption. My 2 sons have the same birthmom. I speak with her on a regular basis, but since she is out of state, there will be limited opportunity to meet in person. The birhmom has been incarcerated a few times for drug use and is currently in rehab, she has no family support so calls me frequently asking for both emotional and financial support.
My oldest is only 3 1/2 so at this point he only identifies her as a family friend, eventually we will tell him the true relationship ( still trying to figure that discussion out !)
My plan is to try to do most of the talking myself and only put the kids on the phone once in awhile to say hi. I also have concerns that the birthmom may try to aks the kids for money when they get older ( wnohter issue I need to figure out).
You may want to consider reducing the number of visits and use phone rather than visit in person. YOu may also condider discussing their poor choices.
I have told my son that his birthmom ( i just use her first name with him) is in the hospital becasue she took some medicine that did not belong to her. We talk about her not making good choices and that no one should take medicine that is not given by a doctor.
I have another interesting dilema, we hear from my sons birthmom all of the time ( weekly) but NEVER hear from my daughters. I met her last summer and even brought my (then one year old) daughter to meet her ( I had to fly half way across the country to do it). She does not stay in contact becasue it is to painful and she is trying to move on. It will be difficult to explain this in the future.
Does she have a computer so you can "chat" via e-mail? That would allow her to vent without the children hearing it. Even phone calls might be better. But you might have to ask her not to talk about adult subjects when the children are around now that they are old enough to understand some of this. Surely she'd understand. Well, maybe not, but maybe if you explained it to her, she would. If you're just worried about her seeing her birthdaughter so often, that's harder, IMO. You've sort of established a pattern, and it will be hard to change it without hurting her feelings. Do the kids have activities that limit your time? Maybe you could use that as an excuse. I do agree that you should protect your daughter while she's young. Wish I had more ideas.
That IS a tough situation. I recently finished a book called, Making Room in Our Hearts: Keeping Family Ties through Open Adoption by Micky Duxbury. Basically she is just presenting different stories of families who are navigating open relationships with birthfamilies. While many of the stories are positive plugs for openness, she does interview some families who have had to set many boundaries through the years to protect their families from due to crazy or toxic behavior on the part of someone in the birth family. Actually the author spoke at one of our adoption support group mtgs. recently and she made a good point that there are often people in our own biological families whose behavior leads us to set boundaries or distance ourselves, but that many times these boundaries change through the years as behavior changes, improves or deteriorates. I know that that has been true in my family (certain members have gone through some unpleasant, toxic stages--my own mom has schizophrenia for example) and the younger generation has come to learn that so and so drinks a little too much at parties or grandma F. is a little strange and can't live by herself, etc. Anyway, her point was that you have to deal with the situation and protect your children, but you don't necessarily have to shut down the relationship, and maybe down the road their behavior will change enough that a healthier and more open relationship can evolve. It sounds like that is what you are seeking: some boundary setting but maintaining as much openness as you can for your DD. Another thing Duxbury recommends is trying to establish a safer relationship with a different relative. Is there a birth-grandparent or aunt you could connect with? There are a couple of families in our support group who have had great success with grandparent relationships (where one or both of the birth parents are unreliable, drug-using or even incarcerated).
Please keep us updated on your situation. I hope to learn from your example since DH and I are about to begin our own open adoption...
Best of luck!!
Cyncie
P.S. You can never complain too much. That's what this forum is for and we all know how challenging adoption can be!
I know, I know, I have to let all that go ESPECIALLY as DH and I are about to become parents!! Actually, I can't wait for the chaos, sleep deprivation and constant worry of parenthood to begin! But mostly I am just nervous about finally meeting BM and her mom face to face and doing all the intense therapy sessions. Such a strange way to start out a relationship! BM, her mom, DH and I have talked about this and have all agreed that while this journey is so intense and strange, keeping lines of communication open is critical and all we can do is be ourselves and speak up when something doesn't feel right. I REALLY like them both so much that despite the nerves (and occasionally entertaining worst case scenarios) I am finally letting myself get excited about moving forward on this path and especially doing it with them. Well, those are my feelings today. Let's see what tomorrow brings with this roller coaster ride!
It's so nice to see a familiar face over here! I've missed The One-Liners ~