Letter From Santa
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I
will no longer be able to serve Southern United States
on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the
earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American
Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain
areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and
Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I
also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep
that in mind.
I'm certain that your children will be in good hands
with your local replacement who happens to be my third
cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from
the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys
to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a
few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your
presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers
that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a
moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a
pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,
flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the
mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll
hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and
Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Gordon."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And
you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I
heer'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the
back with the words "Back off". The last I heard it
also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well.
One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race
through the letters and the other is a caricature of
me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle
on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not
be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead,
you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each
other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd
make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other
way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung
about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and
Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This
year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the
AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will
be Mark Chestnut's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and
Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209
