***Warning: Do NOT be drinking anything when you read this!*** (Hope it formats ok)

In the 50's, the bathing suit was designed for a woman with a mature figure: boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the pre-pubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice: she can either go to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every department store trying to make a sensible
choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made what I thought was a sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.

The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing suits was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason for this is that any shark taking a
swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror. My bosom had disappeared! Eventually, I found
one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other one. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. So the mature woman has to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed bump. I re-aligned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full-view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but, unfortunately, it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out
rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the pre-pubescent salesgirl popped her head through the curtains and said: "Oh, there you are!" admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure about it, and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream-colored crinkled one that made me look like a ball of masking tape, and a floral two-piece which gave me the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink one with such a high-cut leg that I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear it.

Finally, I found a suit that fit---a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.

When I got home, I read the label, which said: "Material may become transparent in water."

I'm determined to wear it anyway. I'll just have to learn to do the breaststroke in the sand.

This is great. I haven't laughed that hard in I don't know how long and trust me, I needed it. Thanks for posting this. I just love it and it's true for me lately. LOL



Hugs,
Shait

me! I can't remember the last time I bought a suit! Well, I rarely go in the water, so it's not like the one I bought years ago has had any real use! LOL!

Thanks for posting this!

mallenia

Omigosh!! That's the funniest thing I've read in a long time! I like the part about the boobs! LMAO!!!

That's exactly what it's like! Bathing suit designers must be mostly male.

Thanks, Kendaa! That's a riot!

Shhh,
Whisper

OMG! This so what I went through when I had to buy a suit this year! I haven't boought a suit in YEARS! Well, my son took swim lessons this year with one of his buddies. This kids parents had a pool pass to the pool that the lessons were at and we always had to up the pool a couple of hours before lessons so they could play. <<sigh>>
It was ssssooooo hot sitting there in my street clothes while they swam, that I broke down and bought one. I think I've worn it twice. I found ways of getting out of having to go early as much as I could, I usually met them (and Jared) up there at lesson time! I'm never doing that again! LOL!

Thanx for the giggle! LOL!

Well I have a nifty black number with tiny white dots all over it, but I NEVER wear it without a t-shirt over it, LOL! I don't think the world will EVER be ready for the sight of me in a swim suit/cossi.

Does anyone remember Danskin making a line of swimsuits? Well, back in College (when I was a size 6)
I had a few of them, all one piece, very slinky, loved them. Well, except for one. Coming out of a lake with my boyfriend one summer, he turned, went very pale and whispered,"Oh, s**t, you can see completely through your suit!!" I had to walk about 4 inches behind him out of the lake, looking very strange, until we got to our towels!! Did I mention the suits were UNLINED? Egads! LOL! Well, my boyfriend loved it!

Mortfied Mermaid