Eat two huge meals a day and stuff yoursef....you want your metabolism slowed to such an extent it is almost non-existent. Don't exercise at all. Sit in front of the tv or computer and play video games ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. Your diet should consist of:
1. Pizza (large thick crust with cheese in the crust and with extra cheese through the rest of it, double the pepperoni, double sausage, NO VEGGIES!!!
2. Cheese cake with whip cream. A whole pie if possible
3. Chicken Wings - Screw the small order of 10......Get a freakin buckett!!! And make sure the sause is hot, not mild or medium.
4. Make Perry's or Ben and Jerry's ice cream your best friend. Chocolate is the best.
5. Any kind of potato chips, doritoes, or cheese sticks. EVERYTHING MUST HAVE CHEESE!
6. Chocolate Milk Shake....with whip cream and cherry
7. Cookies - chocolate chips are the best
8. Double Quarter Pounder with cheese from McDonald's. Make sure you supersize the fries and large coke.
9. Bic Mac from Burger King.
10. Onion Rings and French Fries are the only vegetable-related food you can eat.
11. Steak
12. Beer
13. Butter....eat the butter sticks like you would a carrot stick
14. Salt ...on as much things as you can
15. Drink gallons of Crisco or Vegetable Oil
16. Drink vodka, rum, and anything that is 100 proof
Your daily activites should include sitting in one place or sleeping ALL DAY. If you have to move, make sure it's only to do any of the following:
1. Smoke
2. Drink beer
3. Get stoned
4. Change the channel on the tv
5. Talk gossip on the phone with friends
Forget Enter the Dragon, your favorite show is now anything reality-tv based including shows like Jackass.
Do not shower, shave, get a haircut, clip nails, wash your hands, or listen to authority. This is counter-productive towards a happy and hygenically clean lifestyle. Wear the same clothes everyday. Never wash your clothes.
Drop out of school and listen to gangsta rap and satanic metal.
NEVER READ!! No books must be read. No educational channels on tv must be viewed.
Sleep with as many people unprotected as possible. If they get pregnant, simply use the proven timeless method of relocating. If you get AIDS, simply say "everyone's gotta die sometime"
Do not let one sentence slip out of your mouth without including at least one swear word. Swear often...it helps people respect you.
Challenge Lamar Davis to a fight. Say "I don't think you are a real martial artist. Then slap him in the face. When he gets mad and comes after you, lay on the ground and say "I give up".
Don't hold a job. This is counter-productive to your happiness. You don't need all the stress anyways. Just live in your parent's basement your whole life.
Get married and divorced as many times as possible. It's not a big deal. Everyone's doing it so it must be fun.
Try robbing a bank or breaking into a house and stealing things. When the cops nail you, tell them the devil made you do it.
Beat people up that are smaller than you including defenseless old ladies
Become a racist
Sell your soul to Satan
When people hold the door open for you at public places, give them the finger as you walk in and then trip them when they follow you in from behind
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When you can do all of these things, your waist line will trim down, you will be at a perfect build, and you will become a great martial artist.
