"Love Potion Number IX: An Alt.olycus Story"
TEASER
FADE IN
Iolaus stands on a bridge, looking down at the reflection of the moonlight rippling on the rive below. He sighs softly. Suddenly, there is a splash behind him. He spins around, and sees a hand come up on the railing on the other side of the bridge. He races over to it as Autolycus, the King of Thieves, pulls himself up onto the bridge. He is wet and shirtless, his hair hanging down over his eyes. He brushes the hair back and, with a sly grin says "Sorry I'm late."
"Oh, thank the gods!" Iolaus says, rushing to him. "I was so worried!"
They embrace.
Iolaus glances up into Autolycus's dark, sparkling eyes. "King Sisyphus's men are after you, you know. You really should get out of here. Go someplace far away, where it's safe."
"And leave you? I don't think I could." Autolycus leans down and the two gently kiss. Iolaus slides his hands up and down Autolycus's back as we...
CUT TO:
Iolaus sits bolt-upright in bed and cries "Aaaaiieerrggggh!!!"
He looks around. It is dark, and he is in a sparsely-furnished room of an inn.
"What did I eat last night?" he ponders.
CUT TO:
Early morning. Iolaus and Hercules are walking along a path leading out of a village.
"And then, I woke up," Iolaus says, finishing a recap of the dream. "What does it mean?"
"Mean?" Hercules ponders this. "It means you're in love with Autolycus," he says with a mischievous grin.
"Oh, come on!" Iolaus cries out. "I don't even LIKE the guy. You were there, he framed me for theft and was gonna let me get executed!"
"There are plenty of women who have betrayed you over the years, and you still had the hots for them afterwards...."
"WOMEN!" Iolaus emphasizes. "I fall for WOMEN, not MEN. Autolycus is a man."
"Or, a very hairy woman," Herc offers, still fighting to keep his playful grin in check.
"That is not funny! I'm serious here."
Hercules shrugs. "It was a dream, that's all. Maybe you did something to tick off Morpheus, and this is how he's getting back at you."
"You're a fat lot of help," Iolaus growls.
CUT TO:
Autolycus sits on a table, sighing contentedly as Iolaus massages oil on his back. Iolaus then leans in to kiss the back of his neck....
CUT TO:
Autolycus bolts up with a yelp. He is lying on a bedroll in the middle of the forest.
A few feet away, his 11-year old sidekick, Muran, rubs her eyes. "Is it time to get up already?" she complains.
Autolycus is sitting up, his mind racing. "What the Tartarus was THAT about?" he ponders as we...
FADE OUT. OPENING CREDITS ROLL.
ACT ONE
FADE IN
TITLE CARD: "LOVE POTION NUMBER IX"
Autolycus and Muran wander through the woods.
"So, let me get this straight...so to speak..." Muran says. "In your dream, you were getting a massage... which is normally a good thing. But it was from a guy, and that's a bad thing?"
"It was Iolaus," Autolycus explains. "A friend of Hercules. Iolaus has a grudge against me because I sort of.. left him to fend for himself one time. The point is, though, I don't have dreams like that."
"You just did."
"But normally I don't. My dreams are more like me, Xena, and Callisto on some parallel bars... um..." he glances down at his 11-year old companion. "Never mind what my dreams are normally like. This was very, very wrong."
"I dreamed that I was a big purple dragon being chased by ferrets," Muran offers. "Dreams don't have to mean anything."
"There had to be some reason for this. And I need to find someone who can interpret dreams..."
CUT TO:
A nearby village. A shingle hangs outside one of the huts. It reads 'Froydius: Dream Analyst, Fortune Teller, Therapist.'
Hercules paces outside the hut.
Inside, Iolaus lies on a couch. Froydius, a bearded, grey-haired man, sits nearby, writing on a scroll as Iolaus talks.
"And that's it. That was the dream. Funny, huh?"
"You mean funny ha-ha or funny--"
"I mean funny ha-ha," Iolaus interrupts. "I haven't seen the guy in a long time, and it's not like I was attracted to him. I like women. Honestly."
Froydius nods.
"I mean, I'm not... you know, that way," Iolaus continues, "Not that there's anything wrong with that."
Froydius nods.
"So what I wonder is what could have caused such a ridiculous, ludicrous, impossible, silly dream. What do you say?" Iolaus looks hopefully at Froydius.
Froydius strokes his beard. "It could mean one of several things. One, you do actually harbor feelings for this man that your conscious mind won't let you recognize..."
"That's not it," Iolaus says resolutely. "What else?"
"Or it could have nothing to do with this man Autolycus..."
"That's the one," Iolaus says happily. "What does it mean then?"
"Perhaps your mind selected him at random as part of your awakening homosexuality..."
CUT TO:
Hercules spins as Froydius is kicked out the front door of his hut. Iolaus comes out after him, panting. "You take that back..." He regains his composure, then adds, "Not that there's anything wrong with it. It's just that you're not right. I don't have any feelings for men, especially..." He glances up. "Autolycus."
Coming down the road toward the hut are Autolycus and Muran.
Autolycus is talking with Muran. "Now, this guy is a bit nutty, but he helped me interpret some dreams about wrestling a giant snake---"
"Hey, look, Muran says. "Isn't that Hercules? And who's that with him?"
"Iolaus," Autolycus says wistfully...
CUT TO:
A sunny, flowery field. Music swells as Autolycus and Iolaus run toward each other in slow motion...
CUT TO:
Both men shake their heads rapidly, trying to get this image out of their minds.
Froydius glances at Autolycus, then back at Iolaus. "Fascinating..." He ponders, stroking his beard again.
CUT TO:
The interior of a tavern. Iolaus and Hercules sit on one side of the table, Autolycus and Muran on the other, and Froydius on the end of the table.
Autolycus and Iolaus glance worriedly at each other every few seconds, then dart their eyes away.
"So, you two had the same thoughts, at the same time..." Froydius says, contemplating. "This would indicate an outside influence."
"Thank the gods," both men say in unison. They glance awkwardly at each other.
"What kind of influence?" Hercules asks.
"Hmm... probably not the gods, or it would be more powerful an attraction," Froydius concludes. "If Aphrodite was responsible, these two would be all over each---"
Herc raises a hand to stop him. "There's a little girl present, let's skip the details. If it's not one of the gods, then what? Or who?"
"A love potion, perhaps?"
"They've been travelling from different directions," Muran says. "They haven't drunk from the same source, or eaten from the same bowl of fruit, or anything. How would a love potion get to them both?"
"Good question." Froydius leans back in his chair, stroking his beard. "Perhaps a spell. Have either of you annoyed any sorceresses lately?"
"Define lately," Iolaus says nervously.
Froydius arches an eyebrow.
"Okay, I helped two children escape from a really hideous cannibalistic sorceress a few weeks back," Iolaus offers. "But I don't know what she'd gain from a spell like this one. She's more likely to cast a spell to coat you with barbecue sauce than this.
"Last sorceress I bothered was back in winter," Autolycus offers. "I'd broken my arm helping Xena, and I needed someone to mend it faster than it would heal on its own. I went to a witch named Nerellia, and she healed it." He pauses, contemplating. "Maybe I shouldn't have tried to steal her silver dagger."
"You are such a jerk!" Iolaus says. Then his harsh expression softens and he adds "A sweet, lova---" before shoving a fist in his mouth to shut himself up.
"It's not like I got away with it!" Autolycus says defensively. "Let me tell you, one day as a field mouse was MORE than enough."
"Could she be getting back at you further?" Hercules asks.
"Doubt it. She implied that she never wanted to see, hear of, or think about me again."
"What did she say exactly?" Froydius asks.
"I think it was 'I never want to see, hear of, or---'..."
"Yes, yes," Froydius interrupts. "Iolaus, do you know a sorceress named Nerellia?"
"Never heard of her." Iolaus replies.
"Very beautiful woman," Autolycus says. "Blonde, curly hair... " He turns to Iolaus... "kind of like yours... And those eyes..." Autolycus slaps himself, coming out of the stupor he was starting to sink into.
Hercules and Muran exchange worried glances as we...
FADE OUT.
ACT TWO
FADE IN
Autolycus lays on Froydius's couch. Froydius sits in his chair right next to the couch.
"And then after the stripper, there was this peasant woman named Lia, who helped me hide out for a week... she was insatiable..."
Froydius examines the scroll he is writing on. He holds it up, showing a long list of women. "So you claim to have slept with ALL these women?"
"It was a good year..." Autolycus shrugs. "But that proves I'm not... that way, right? Not that there's---"
"It proves something," Froydius interrupts. "First off, it proves that women find you irresistable."
"Well, I am the king of thieves," Autolycus says with a grin. "And you know how some women are about bad boys."
"Second, it proves that you may be suffering from satyriasis..."
"Satyr? That's good, right? Satyrs chase women..."
Froydius frowns. "Perhaps. But it MAY be that you're seducing all these women to... compensate for something. Or to prove to yourself that you're something you aren't...."
"That's not true!" Autolycus starts in a high-pitched voice. He then coughs. "That's not true," he repeats more huskily. "I've always been crazy about women. NEVER about men. Especially not Iolaus. I mean, if I WAS that way, Hercules is so much more..." He pauses and coughs again. "Anyhow, I thought we'd concluded this was from a spell or something. . "
CUT TO:
Iolaus lays on the couch.
"I promise I won't hit you this time, doc," he says.
Froydius looks over. His chair is at the far end of the hut from the couch. "I know you won't, Iolaus. Now, let's go back to your boyhood training... Specifically, the wrestling classes you took with your friend Hercules..."
CUT TO:
Hercules and Muran sit leaning against the hut, staring lazily at the clouds overhead.
"So where's Autolycus?" Hercules asks, looking around.
"Said he saw this cute girl at a pottery booth in town he was going to go talk to," Muran replies, pointing up to the sky. "I think that one looks like a giant frog..."
Hercules squints up at the cloud. "Looks more like an acorn to me. So, how'd a nice kid like you end up with a king of thieves like Autolycus, anyhow?"
"He saved me," Muran replies. "I was a street urchin, and he took me in. I've been a thief since I was about four years old, when my mother abandoned me. He's just teaching me how to be better at it."
"Maybe taking care of you will make him act more mature and responsible," Herc suggests.
"Xena said that to me once," Muran says. "She broke up laughing afterward."
Hercules nods. "I barely kept it in, myself."
"But Autolycus HAS been nice to me," Muran says. "And we've had some really neat adventures!"
"He's a good fellow at heart," Hercules replies. "And a trouble magnet."
"I know what you mean."
CUT TO:
A village market.
Autolycus walks resolutely down the path toward the market. "I DO still like women," he mutters angrily to himself, "And by Zeus, I'll prove it..." He walks toward one of the booths.
Autolycus leans in to a pretty young gap-toothed woman with thick black hair who is working at a pottery wheel. She wears a smock covered with clay smudges."Working hard or hardly working?" He asks.
She looks up at him and grins. "That the best line you can come up with?" She asks playfully.
"I'm usually much better at it, but..." He pauses, thinking of the best lie, "You've got me so distracted..."
She giggles.
"So, think you might show me how to do this?" Autolycus continues, pointing to the wheel.
"Sure, just put your arms around mine and I'll guide you through it," she says with a flirtacious wink.
He complies, and soon they are sculpting a pot together. He smells her hair. "I'm Autolycus, by the way."
She looks over her shoulder. "I'm Credna."
"What a lovely name." He leans in toward her. They kiss.
As Autolycus pulls his head back, under Credna's thick black hair (and above her bountiful cleavage) is the face of Iolaus, still enjoying the last lingering sensation of the kiss.
Autolycus gasps, and the face he is looking at suddenly flashes back to Credna's.
"What's wrong?" She asks as he races off.
CUT TO:
Iolaus sitting up on the couch. "But that's NOT what I meant!"
Froydius scribbles on his scroll.
"Honestly!" Iolaus says, getting more annoyed. "I just meant I enjoyed the company of men when we were in battle together! Like during my old voyages on the Argo, not..."
"If you say so," Froydius says in his infuriatingly even, emotionless tone. "How many women would you say have betrayed you over the years?"
CUT TO:
Hercules and Iolaus stand over at one side of the road next to the hut. Autolycus and Muran sit at the other side. Iolaus and Autolycus glance at one another, then look away quickly, then turn their attentions back to the hut. Froydius emerges from under the sheet he is now using as a makeshift door.
"Did you reach any conclusions?" Iolaus asks quickly.
"Well, yes..." Froydius says, examining his notes. "Both of you have some distinctive issues that we need to discuss...."
Iolaus and Autolycus both look distressed.
"But I don't think the source of this lies with either one of you."
They look relieved.
"I was hoping that as we discussed this, one of you would reveal some reason that he may have subconsciously wished for these feelings, something that could have been triggered by a magic spell or something and directed at the other..."
"You were hoping for that?" Autolycus questions.
"But it doesn't seem to be the case," Froydius concludes. "It appears to be completely random. " He turns to Iolaus. "Your feelings for Autolycus are mostly repressed hostility, your anger at him for trying to abandon you to be beheaded back in Scyros..."
"That's understandable," Iolaus says.
"And Autolycus, your feelings towards Iolaus consist of nothing more than jealousy that he has been intimate with Xena..."
"I'm not jealous!" Autolycus protests. "I just... haven't convinced her to give ME a chance yet."
"At any rate, I pronounce both of you to be officially heterosexual," Froydius says.
Iolaus and Autolycus glance at each other.
CUT TO:
Iolaus splashes playfully at Autolycus. Both men are in a hot spring, unclothed. Autolycus laughs and splashes back at Iolaus.
"Time for YOUR sponge bath," Iolaus says, holding up a sponge. He then looks around at the murky water. "Say, where's the soap?"
"Find it," Autolycus says leeringly...
CUT TO:
Hercules and Muran stare, jaws dropped, as Iolaus and Autolycus kiss.
Froydius strokes his beard. "Of course, I could be wrong..."
FADE OUT.
ACT THREE
FADE IN
Autolycus and Iolaus pull back from one another. Each of them starts spitting furiously.
"It seems to be getting stronger," Froydius says.
"Getting stronger???" Iolaus asks, panicked. "What do you mean?"
"Well, up til now you've been able to resist actual... contact."
"What does that mean?" Autolycus asks, rubbing his tongue against the lining of his jacket to get rid of the taste.
"I'd say that before too long, you two may... um... consumma---"
"WHOA!!" Autolycus interrupts. " I didn't hear that! He didn't hear that! They didn't hear that! And you most certainly DIDN'T SAY THAT!!!"
"Well, if we can't find the cause of this... attraction, I'm not sure what else could happen."
"Look, I've been attracted to Xena for a year and a half, but nothing's happened there!" Autolycus says.
"But this time, the feeling is mutual," Froydius explains.
"It is NOT!" Iolaus replies angrily. "I don't... want him... I certainly don't want to... rub oil all over his... um..." Iolaus snaps his head back to Froydius. "Find the cause? How do we find the cause???"
"By searching for it," Froydius says with a shrug.
"At least it's simple." Iolaus replies wryly.
CUT TO:
Muran runs up to Hercules. "I asked around. None of the villagers know of any sorcerers or sorceresses who can do anything like this..."
Hercules shakes his head. "And I checked into ancient curses in the region. Nothing. I was afraid it might have to come to this."
"Come to what?" Muran asks as Hercules steps back.
"Aphrodite!" Herc yells in his loudest, most demanding voice.
Muran is jolted by the sudden noise.
Herc rolls his eyes. "Aphrodite!!!"
"You can just summon a goddess by calling her?"
"Not always," Herc says. "But she's family, and this is important, so I figured I'd give it a---"
There is a burst of light nearby. They turn and Aphrodite appears, clad in an even-more-revealing-than-usual negligee and holding a feather duster in one hand and a cat o' nine tails in the other. "This better be good, bro," She gripes. "Heph and I were about to--- Oh, hi there kiddo!"
"Hi," Muran says glumly.
"You know her?" Hercules asks.
"I met her briefly a few months back," Muran replies. "She spent a lot of time with Autolycus."
Hercules arches an eyebrow.
"Blink of an eye," Aphrodite explains. "Well, relatively speaking. He wasn't gone long. Not long enough to grow a full beard or anything."
"Does Hephasteus know about this?" Herc asks.
"No, and he doesn't have to," Aphrodite whines. "I was, like, under the influence of my own spell at the time. Made him irresistable to women to teach him a lesson, and it got outta hand, ya know?"
"Ah." Hercules nods. "That should surprise me, but somehow it doesn't. Listen, do you have anything to do with the problem Iolaus and Autolycus are having right now?"
"What problem?" Aphrodite asks.
"They... uh, fancy each other."
"Iolaus? And Autolycus?" She ponders this. "No, nothin' I did. That's more the jurisdiction of Hermaphroditus---"
"Can you find out?" Muran asks pleadingly.
"I'll do what I can," Aphrodite replies. She disappears in a burst of light.
CUT TO:
A wizened old crone looks up as a shadow comes through her hut door. The shadow turns out to be a pretty young woman with strawberry blonde hair, soft brown eyes, and dimples. "It's not working," the young woman complains. Behind the crone, Aphrodite materializes in a burst of light. Neither of them see her there, though.
"How do you know that?" the crone replies.
"You told me when I bought this potion that it would make whoever I wanted fall in love with me!"
"Love potions?" Aphrodite complains to herself, wincing at the thought. "Half the time, those things are nothing but ground-up elephant thingies. Eeeewwww.."
"Yes, yes," The crone replies. "All you have to do is fashion a little doll of the man, and splash it with the potion, and he will come to you. But you may not have given the man enough time to find his way to the village! Who did you pick, anyhow? I take it that it wasn't one of the local boys..."
"Oh, no," the young woman replies. "Not when I've heard stories of so many handsome, dashing adventurers roaming the countryside. I couldn't go for a farmboy..."
"Nothing wrong with a nice farmboy now and then," Aphrodite mutters, though they can't hear her.
"Not when the likes of Iolaus and Autolycus are out there somewhere," the young woman continues.
"Iolaus. He's the midget that travels with Hercules, right?" The crone asks.
"He's NOT a midget," the young woman replies indignantly. "He's Hercules's dearest friend and most loyal comrade-in-arms. And I've never gone for musclebound types, so Herc isn't my cup of mead. But I've heard so many stories about Iolaus helping the needy and saving innocents..."
"So you made a doll of him?" the crone asks.
"And then there's Autolycus," the young woman continues.
"The King of Thebes, right?" The crone asks.
"Thieves. King of Thieves. He's a charming rogue who steals from the wealthy and corrupt, but helps those in need. And that wanted poster of him in the village square, he looks so cute!"
"So which one did you make the doll of?" The crone asks.
"Um... both," the young woman says shyly.
"BOTH?"
"You go, girl!" Aphrodite throws in.
"You gave me plenty of potion." The young woman reaches into a purse. "Here," she says, pulling up rag dolls of Iolaus and Autolycus, "I splashed the liquid on both of them and carry them around with me. I figured whichever was closest would get here first. But I haven't seen any sign of either of them yet."
The crone glances at the dolls. "Something tells me you're doing this wrong, but I'm not sure what exactly..." she says, stroking her wrinkled chin. "And you've been clutching the dolls to your chest at least three times a day?"
"Yes," the young woman says. "Three times for each. And when I'm not doing that, I keep them safe and sound in this purse..."
The old woman continues stroking her chin. Aphrodite glances down at the purse and bursts out laughing.
CUT TO:
a road moving through a forest. Dark clouds move overhead. Hercules and Iolaus walk on one side of the road, and Autolycus and Muran on the other side, separated by about 15 feet.
"How's it going over there?" Herc asks wryly.
"My feet hurt," Muran whines.
"Don't worry, 'Dite explained it to me. We need to go to the village of Thelleris, and it's not much further this way," Herc says. "Not much of a village, for that matter."
"I'm still concerned about the way she kept laughing," Iolaus gripes. "Should we trust her about this? You know how flighty your family can be."
"We'll have to wait and see," Herc replies.
Suddenly, Iolaus snaps his head to one side. "I think I just heard---"
Figures drop from the trees around them. They are standard-issue thugs, clubs ready.
"Yer dinars or your life!" growls a thug with a broken nose.
"Oh, for the love of Zeus," Autolycus groans. "We don't have time for this..."
"It won't take long," Herc says, grabbing one of the clubs and pulling the thug wielding it toward him. With one quick punch from the son of Zeus, the thug crumples.
Iolaus ducks and kicks the legs out from under another thug. Autolycus spin-kicks a third, and Muran backs up and scrambles to open her satchel.
"You picked on the wrong people this time," Hercules says through gritted teeth as he slams the heads of two thugs together.
They fall, and he turns to see Iolaus slam another one into a tree. The broken-nosed thug, apparently their leader, backs up, still holding his club ready. There is a loud thunk and he looks over to see an arrow imbedded in the club. He looks back and sees Muran, her miniature crossbow primed and ready for another shot. The thug looks around. All his comrades are scattered on or near the road. Iolaus, Hercules and Autolycus crack their knuckles in unison and step toward him.
The thug drops the club and runs into the woods screaming.
Herc laughs, playfully punching Iolaus in the arm. "That was the lamest bunch we've had to fight in a while, eh?"
"You got that right," Iolaus replies. "You see how I knocked that one into the tree?"
"You fight as well as I remember," Autolycus says with a grin. "How did you ever let those soldiers back in Scyros catch you, anyhow?"
Iolaus frowns. "I think it had something to do with the big treasure chest you left me weighted down with, dear...UM, my dear friend Autolycus."
There is an uncomfortable silence, which is finally broken by Hercules saying "We better get going..."
They step over the unconscious thugs and head on as we...
FADE OUT
ACT FOUR
FADE IN
Further down the road. The skies are darker and the wind is picking up.
Muran arches her head back. "I don't think we're going to make it to the village before the storm hits."
"Maybe it'll be a light storm," Autolycus replies. "We have to get to that village and get this... whatever it is... fixed."
"Those aren't LIGHT storm clouds," Muran says grimly.
Autolycus looks up. "Aw, they aren't that---"
A tremendous, teeth chattering boom of thunder rolls, and rain pours down in bucketsful.
"---Bad..." Autolycus finishes.
The foursome run through the woods. The rain is coming down so heavily they can barely see in front of them, even with the trees for protection. Lightning flashes and thunder rumbles.
CUT TO:
Interior of a cave. The four wet heroes race in, then lean against the walls of the cave. Muran slumps against the wall, sliding down until she is sitting.
Herc stands in the entrance of the cave, watching the rain pour outside. "Well, the farmers in this region have been needing rain..."
"Good for the farmers," Autolycus mutters.
Muran tries to wring water out of her waist-length hair, grumbling to herself. "I'm cold, wet, and hungry," she finally says aloud.
"You're always hungry," Autolycus replies. "I'm sure there are plenty of places to eat in Thelleris."
"We're NOT going anywhere til this rain lets up," Muran says.
"I say we get some rest here," Herc says. "The rain can't hold up this long forever."
CUT TO:
Much later. It is dark, and the rain continues to pour outside.
Muran sleeps cuddled up next to Autolycus. Across from them in the cavern, Herc lies with his head on a rock, and Iolaus uses his bundled-up vest as a pillow. Autolycus looks up, and wistfully over at Iolaus.
Iolaus's eyes snap open, and he returns Autolycus' stare. Autolycus turns, breaking their eye contact.
"What are we going to do about this?" Iolaus whispers.
"Well, we know what we're NOT going to do," Autolycus replies, also in a whisper.
They both sit silently for a long moment.
They then look farther down the cave.
CUT TO:
A quick hallucination of the two of them farther down in the cavern, rolling around playfully on the cave floor.
CUT BACK TO:
Both men shake their heads to dispell that image.
"So, uh, nice necklace," Autolycus says.
Iolaus looks down to the necklace he wears on his (currently bare) chest. "Thanks." He looks back to Autolycus. "Um, you can make a little eye contact here."
Autolycus snaps his gaze back up to Iolaus's face. "Don't know what you were talking about."
"You were staring at my chest!"
"I was doing no such thing!" Autolycus says defensively. "I was... uh... just trying to figure out how valuable that necklace is. You know what they say, once a thief..."
"Sure you were," Iolaus gripes. "You were admiring my pecs."
"Aw, come on."
"Would you two pipe down!" Hercules growls, not wanting to open his eyes. "We're trying to sleep."
They are silent for a moment.
"Lech," Iolaus finally snorts.
"Shorty," Autolycus replies.
"THAT'S IT!" Iolaus jumps up.
Herc sits up, and grabs Iolaus by the edge of his pants and pulls him back down. "SIT!"
"Whazgoinon?" Muran mumbles, rubbing her eyes.
"Lover's spat," Hercules says sarcastically.
"IT WAS NOT!" Both other men yell simultaneously. Hercules rolls his eyes.
CUT TO:
The rain continues to fall, but the group makes its way along the muddy road.
"My feet are wet," Muran complains.
"Yeah, like mine are dry," Autolycus replies.
"We're getting to that village before this goes on any longer," Herc says with a gleam of determination in his eyes. "You two are driving me and Muran crazy."
"I think I see the village," Iolaus says.
"Surprised you can see anything without standing on Herc's shoulders," Autolycus sneers.
"You are such a bitch," Iolaus replies harshly.
"Oh, yeah? Well, you're a---"
"We are NOT starting this again!" Hercules interrupts. "That IS the village. Now, let's just find the hut 'Dite told me to look for...."
CUT TO:
Inside the old crone's hut. Autolycus, Muran and Iolaus sit under blankets around the fireplace, shivering and sipping on hot cider. Muran eats hungrily from a bowl of stew.
The crone sits back, watching them. "I still don't quite understand this," she says.
"Neither do we," Iolaus replies. "But Herc said that--- ah, there he is."
Hercules comes through the door of the hut, dragging the pretty girl with strawberry blonde hair we saw earlier. The girl is wearing a nightshirt, clutching her purse to her chest, and seems to be only half-awake. Her bare feet are muddy, and she is soaking wet, as is Hercules.
"This is her, right?" Herc asks.
The crone looks at him curiously. "Yes, this is Editta, the one I sold the potion to," she says.
"Let's have them." Herc says to the girl.
"Have what?"
"The dolls. Aphrodite told me you had two dolls."
"Oh." the girl reaches into her purse, pulling out the two rag dolls.
"That's me!" Autolycus says, noticing that one of them is made to look like him."That's you!" The girl gasps. "Autolycus!" She looks over to the other edge of the fireplace. "And Iolaus!" The girl turns back to the crone. "You did it!!!"
Hercules grabs the dolls out of her hands. "No, YOU did it." Before the girl can protest, he tosses the Iolaus doll into the fireplace. It catches fire instantly.
"Boy, I don't like the look of that," Iolaus says, watching it burn.
Herc shakes the Autolycus doll. "This one, we burn in a different fireplace. Don't want to risk letting the ashes get too close to each other."
"You're gonna have to explain this one, big guy," Autolycus says.
Herc turns to the girl, who's still staring at the two men of her dreams. "Miss, care to explain?"
"Uh... uh... boy, that mustache is cute..."
Herc rolls his eyes. "Okay, the witch doctor here sold this girl some love potion to draw you two here."
"And she was supposed to splash it on the dolls and clutch them to her chest," Aphrodite adds, materializing beside Herc. "But she stored the dolls pressed up together, so more often than they were pressed to her chest, they were pressing against each other."
"And somehow, that made you two want to..." Herc trails off.
"Press up against each other!" Aphrodite adds.
Iolaus looks over at Autolycus. "It's true. Since he burned that doll, I don't have any feelings for you at all. I'm so happy!!!" Iolaus hugs Autolycus.
Then, Iolaus pulls back. "You can get your hand off my butt now."
Autolycus looks down, eyes wide, then turns back to Herc.
"Don't worry, bro," Aphrodite says, snatching the Autolycus doll out of Herc's hands. "I'll toss this in Heph's forge. It'll burn up quicker'n a bundle of sticks!" She vanishes.
After a second, Autolycus seems to relax visibly. "Oh, thank Zeus," he mutters. "She must've burned it. You just look like an Iolaus to me now."
"Glad to hear it," Iolaus replies. The two men shake hands, gaze into each others eyes silently for a split second, and laugh.
CUT TO:
Daybreak. Mud puddles are everywhere, but it's a sunny day in the village. Iolaus sits on a log, talking quietly with Editta. "I'm flattered, really, but I have to get to Thrace," he says. "Some actors doing a show about Herc and me got kidnapped, and we have to find them."
"I understand," Editta says softly. "I'm glad I finally got to meet you..."
Iolaus kisses her on the cheek.
Nearby, Hercules, Autolycus and Muran watch this scene. Herc turns to Autolycus. "So you let her down gently too, eh?"
"Yep. Told her I had places to go and treasures to plunder. Plus, me and the kid have an appointment in Addrium."
"Surprised you didn't take advantage of her crush on you to... take advantage of her. You wouldn't be maturing, would you?"
Autolycus chuckles. "Not a chance, my friend. What you see is what I am. But she's the marrying kind, you can see it in the gleam in her eyes. I'm not falling into THAT trap anytime soon."
Herc smiles, then turns and looks down at Muran. "You take care of this big thief, okay?"
"Will do!" Muran says. "Nice meeting you."
"Likewise. And Autolycus? Take good care of the kid, or I'll tie you into a knot."
Autolycus and Muran watch as Hercules and Iolaus head down the road out of the village.
"You feeling okay?" Muran asks.
"Yep," Autolycus replies. "Now, let's get heading to Addrium. There's a certain barmaid there at the Slaughtered Lamb I've been itching to see again for a while now..."
Muran grins up at him as they walk the other way out of the village.
The crone watches as they leave, then starts to shut her door. A hand reaches out and stops the door just as it's about to shut, and crone looks up.
A lanky, not-handsome but not-unpleasant-looking young farmhand stands there with a grim look on his face.
"What is it, Chorros?" the crone asks wearily.
The young man holds up two rag dolls made to look like Xena and Gabrielle. "The love potion you sold me isn't working!"
FADE OUT.
END CREDITS ROLL to additional footage of the shot of Autolycus and Iolaus running towards each other through that sunny field in slow motion.