Aug 1999 I confront my w of 18 years about her extramarital affair. She confirms that she has become emotionally attached with someone that she works with but insists that "nothing happened". I am unconvinced. Over the following three years, we see three marriage counselors.
The first counselor is a psychotherapist. His training is in the psychoanalysis of individuals. I doubt he has any specific clinical training in marital therapy. I describe our marriage problems to him and he asks my w if she has (in fact) had a sexual affair and she denies it. He becomes very angry with me when my wife reveals that I have been reading "The Monogamy Myth" (a very good book about recovering from extramarital affairs). He tells me that I am being insensitive and cruel to read a book about affairs in front of my wife's and he implies that I am attempting to punish her. He suggests that (if I must read a book of that kind) I should do so in private.
At our sixth or seventh (and final) session (after talking primarily about improved communication techniques), I reveal that I am frustrated because I believe that my wife has had a full-blown affair which she has not told the truth about. I explain carefully why I do not believe my wife, describing some of the ways that she appears avoidant, evasive, and deceptive. At this point, the therapist becomes visibly angry and tells me that if I do not trust my wife then I have no choice but to divorce. He talks for 10 or 15 minutes about technical issues in psychotherapy. The gist of it was that in therapy, he MUST assume that the things that his clients tell him MUST be true, otherwise the "psychodynamics are all wrong". I still don't know what that means.
We work with our second therapist for more than a dozen sessions on learning to do things for each other that will help to increase mutual affection. We talk about gender differences and various factors (children, jobs, etc.) that can help to increase the distance between partners in a long term relationship. Finally, I ask directly whether we will be discussing my wife's "non-affair". The therapist advises against that, explaining that he feels that my w is "too vulnerable".
Our third therapist believes that affairs are merely symptoms of underlying marriage problems and works to correct those. For 15 to 20 sessions, our focus is on family of origin issues, particularly problems with things like our narcissistic parents. Finally, I again describe some of the ways that my w appears avoidant, evasive, and deceptive. However, this therapist, like the first, believes that she the things that her clients tell her must be true.
June 2002. My wife reveals that she has, in fact, had a full-blown, sordid, romantic love affair which was continuing while we were seeing our first therapist.
I feel betrayed not only by my w but also by the three marriage counselors that we have seen over the past three years. Rereading "The Monogamy Myth" now, I find that the author, Peggy Vaughan" discusses this problem in her book in depth. (That happens to me a lot, by the way, to reread The Monogamy Myth and some other self help books and find things that I hadn't remembered reading the first time).
I believe now that marriage counselors either support honesty or they do not. The middle ground is rife with pitfalls. When a person has an affair, they become dishonest. It is universal. It is true by definition. After an affair, people continue to be dishonest. That is also universal. The exceptions are exceedingly rare. Marriage counselors should know this and they should respond accordingly. At least 50% of the couples that they counsel are there because one of the partners has had an affair. Affairs are their bread and butter.
Therapists spend much of their time encouraging clients to take responsibility for their own actions except when it comes to having affairs. Their silence on the subject of affairs implies that affairs are not important. Our third counselor paid lip service to the idea that my w should take responsibility for her "non-affair" but the therapist also was clear that the affair was not the problem. "It is only a symptom" was her mantra. Affairs don't cause problems in marriages. Problems in marriages cause affairs. It is almost impossible to imagine that the cause-effect arrow would point in only one direction in the case of any other marital or individual problem.
Marital therapists often try to teach couples how to communicate honestly and openly except when it comes to having affairs. I cannot imagine another problem that a marriage counselor would advise, even insist, that a couple avoid talking about. What marriage counselor would advise that someone ignore a partner's pedophilia, to put it in the past, and to focus on the present and future? People are not "too vulnerable" to talk about affairs. They are "too vulnerable" not to.
Of course there are good, conscientious therapists who do a lot of good. Of course marital therapy is hard, emotionally draining work. Of course, there are always going to be some real idiots practicing marital therapy. I can understand how difficult it must be to sit in a room with a couple in a long term relationship when one of them has been having an affair. I don't expect therapists to leave their doubts and fears about themselves and their own marriages outside the door when they step into their office. I can also understand the therapeutic advantage of declaring that everyone always tells the truth in therapy. I can understand how difficult it would make therapy if the therapist must continually assess the truthfulness of their clients. But having an affair is dumb. Lying about it is dumber. But assuming that an unfaithful partner is always going to be truthful is the most dumbass thing I have ever heard and it could be dangerous.
The assumption that someone is "too vulnerable" to talk about their affair is insulting and diminishing. Mostly, it insults and diminishes an unfaithful partner. People who have affairs don't suddenly become children who need to be protected from themselves. People who have affairs need to take responsibility for themselves, not only to help their partners recover, help rebuild their marriage, or lay the groundwork for a better divorce, but also for their own personal development. In no other area is it imaginable that a therapist would encourage a client to move on without dealing with a royal mess that the client themselves has created.
As Frank Pittman says "Honestly, it is safe to talk openly about affairs. It saves lives and marriages to do so."
There is a big problem out there that needs to be addressed. Sometimes I think that people like Peggy Vaughan, Frank Pittman, and Shirley Glass are just voices from the wilderness. It seems to me that marital therapists need some clinical training in talking to clients about their affairs. Yes, it is probably be hard but I believe that it can be done. Perhaps professional organizations need to hear more often from the casualties of ignorance.
Preaching to the choir? I know, I know. I'm just working on a draft of a letter to three marriage counselors, the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, and anyone else who might listen.
Bart
