What My Life Is Like Now!

Not one minute goes by each day and night that I am not filled with extremely upsetting thoughts and images of what you did. I try to put it out of mind and it is impossible, all of the horrendous events come rushing back. The more I try to block it the more I see images of you being intimate with another man and of your lying about it right to my face while sitting in front of the evidence. I understand less today than the day I discovered it. I can’t stop asking why you would do this to me and to us. What did I ever do to deserve the cruelty of your lies, the obvious on going secrets amongst you and your friends and the stealing of the precious trust I had in you? You have broken my heart and my spirit like nothing else has ever.

You were the one person in this entire world that I counted on for the truth, unconditional love, and devotion but you just threw it all away with the greatest of ease without any regard for your family and what this would put me and the kids through. A one night stand would have been one thing, but to do this over a period of time knowing all along where it was headed and not stopping speaks of your thoughtlessness and your immense selfishness.

What is my life is like now? It is a living hell. I wake up thinking about it and live all day with pain and sickness from the drugs. Then I try to go to sleep to only wake up every couple of hours feeling like the weight of the world is on my chest. The triggers are all around me. Everytime I drive to work and go past the mall I start crying. I cry on my way to work and my way home and when I make love to you I think that you did this with someone else. When you are not with me I think you’re with him, calling him or trying to find a way to make contact and I know you’re thinking about him. The stress is making me sick. I never took pills and now I pop pills all day and night. My mind gets foggy and they dull my pain, but my heart still hurts like it’s going to explode.

Then I go home and I have to not pressure you, but in the back of my mind I’m thinking that you’re trying to make some kind of a decision between me, him or something else. The fear is so real and gripping that I can’t breath when you walk out of the room, but I can’t let you see that. When I tell you I love you, you just repeat it almost out of obligation or you say what really stabs me in the heart, “I know”. You might as well just tell me you don’t love me anymore. I wonder if you’re just a coward to end this and walk out and that’s why you stay; just like you were a coward when it came to doing the right thing instead of what you did.

Then comes the moments when we make love and you give me affection, it makes such a great impact on me you couldn’t possibly understand. Your closeness, your tenderness, your love comes pouring into me and I cherish every minute of it like it is my last day on earth and I never want it to end. Then it ends and I’m left wondering if that’s it, the last time? Was it fake just because it’s your way of trying? How will you be tomorrow, later today? Should I get my hopes up that we are putting this thing back together?

Most of the day I can’t function, I can’t do my job, I can’t be happy or joyful because I’m dead inside. I’ve died many deaths since this happened. I’ve thought many times about killing myself because it seems like the only way to get rid of the pain and then I think of my kids and how they wouldn’t have a daddy. I look into your eyes everyday and I know that you don’t have any idea what horror and pain I am going though. I’m sure you feel bad and have some guilt but I know by comparison you are not suffering like I am. I wish for one moment you could feel what I feel. I would love for you to be in my body and feel the depth of this injury. I think you would understand clearly how selfish, thoughtless, hurtful, cruel and evil to the core what you did to us was. I have lost all passion for anything I used to like to do. I’m so terribly lonely all day, sad, depressed, nervous, stressed and on the verge of crying constantly. I’d rather be dead!

I should hate you for all of this. You choose to pleasure your ego above having the courage to tell me you weren’t happy and doing the right thing. You allowed yourself to fall in love with a cheater and a liar just like you with an infant and a wife. You think if he cheats on his wife, the women he married and promised to be loyal to that he’s not going to do the same to you someday. How foolish are you? How naive? How blinded by the excitement of a selfish lie, a, fantasy, a deception are you? What a bullet in the heart of the people that love you most, me and your children this has been. I feel for them most. I can’t imagine the fear that this has put into there young hearts that they will carry this with them forever. But you were so wrapped up in pleasing your self first that you never really thought of any of that.

Now I’m scared, scared to lose you , scared to be with you, scared to go on living. I want to be strong and I could if I could make myself hate you and believe me I’ve tried. When I see your face in the morning and at night I feel a mixture of extreme anguish and a craving for your love. I ask god everyday to take this huge amount of pain away, to bring me a little joy for just a few minutes and to help me do the right thing to get your love back.

I don’t know if I will ever completely heal, trust you or have my fairly happy life back again. I used to laugh so much, dream and feel secure that I knew there was one person I could always count on, you! Nothing will ever be the same or as good as it used to be in my life. I will carry this scar on my heart for the rest of my life with or without you. After what you have done to me I will never look at people the same way, I will never trust anyone and I certainly will always see the darkside of you that I could never imagine someone of your supposed sweetness would posses. How could you do this? Why? How could you have it in you to hurt me so very deeply? HOW AND WHY?

Your Husband