Raising Your Spirited Child

This book (and acompanying workbook) by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka is the most popular tool used by parents of challenging children. The presentation below is an adaptation of her book presented in workshop form. The italicised parts are the author's own written words.

It had been requested that I go over the information Mary Sheedy Kurcinka handed out and interject some of the spirit of the day I had while attending the Challenging Child Behaviors Workshop she hosted.

This information was developed and presented by MSK, you may contact the author directly for complete copies of her workshop handouts.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Part One - Influences

Part ONE is reviewing what kind of influence you would like to have in your home and what vision you have of your role with your child (ren).

-- Think about a significant adult in your life. Someone who helped you understand who you are and develop your strengths. List the characteristics they possess and which you admire the most. As a result of your interaction with this person, what did you learn about yourself? How did you feel?

-- Think about a teacher or an adult you disliked. List the characteristics they possess. As a result of your interaction with this person, what did you learn about yourself? How did you feel?

-- Think of your positive emotion coach, what are two things you want to do to be more like him or her?

Part Two - Personality Traits

Part TWO is an adaptation of the Myers/Briggs personality assessment. MSK stresses that the two basic ones are EXTRAVERSION versus INTROVERSION and FACTUAL versus FEELING

If you all remember, Myers/Briggs examines how we approach life, what our natural instincts are through a series of tests and questions. The complete assessment is - Extra/Intro, Intuitive/Sensor, Feeler/Thinker, Perception/Judgement. Most children will fall into both the Factual/Feeler categories at the same time until they are about 6 years old.

EXTRAVERTS need to go outside of themselves in order to think and to recharge.

In order to be successful, this type needs:

to be with other people,
activity and interaction,
opportunities to ask questions,
to talk in order to figure things out.

This type is frustrated and triggeredby:

too much time alone,
being forced into isolation (TIME OUTS DO NOT WORK FOR THESE KIDS),
being forced to be quiet or to watch and not interact for too long.

These kids don't need you to fix everything they talk about, they just need to talk in order to evaluate for themselves.

INTROVERTS need to go within to think and to recharge.

In order for this type to be successful they need:

verbal, physical, and visual space,
to watch first before participating,
opportunities to practice privately,
quiet, time to reflect and recharge.

This type is frustrated and triggered by:

being forced to try new things before ready,
too much interaction, conversation or activity,
being crowded,
being forced to perform or talk before ready.

These kids often seem to stall because they want to start talking at bedtime - it is not stalling, this is a comfortable time for them and quite necessary for you to encourage them to unload their day.

FACTUAL kids prefer to look at the facts first when making a decision.

They need:

to consider the feeling secondary to the facts,
they need solutions which are logical, practical and fair,
to know why, and
to be able to debate and ask questions.

They are frustrated by:

a lack of explanations,
injustice,
feeling incompetent,
not being able to explain one's side of an issue and
being pushed to deal with feelings.

Things need to be fair, accurate and just and they will point out the flaws in your discipline.

FEELING kids need to consider the feelings first before making a decision.

In order to be successful, this type needs:

to have their feelings understood and affirmed before moving to solutions,
they crave harmony in relationships,
they need time to experience their feelings fully.

This type is triggered by:

being forced to problem solve too quickly,
not having feelings understood and accepted,
conflict,
being labeled "too emotional".

This is the kid who will stall when asked "who started it" because they don't want anyone to get in trouble. This is also the kid who will become frenzied by shouting, arguing or any disagreement in the home.

So which type are you?

And which type is your child?

Do your instincts clash or coincide?

Is there a way you could approach your child that might be more in tune with his/her personality type?

Do your arguments seem to stem from personality clashes?

CONTINUED