Raising Your Spirited Child

This is the SECOND PART of the THREE PART series on Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's Challenging Child Workshop. Did you know that MSK has written a new book?

Part Three - Spirited Traits

Using the basic traits that MSK has in her book, we will encapsulate what each trait means and how to elicit the better response from your child (ren). This is an expansion of the test.

INTENSITY- the strength of emotional reactions.

In order to be successful this type needs:

  • to know what soothes and calms one's self,

  • time to diffuse emotions,

  • to identify feelings at an early stage and learn to read the cues that intensity is rising.

This type is frustrated by:

  • ANYTHING,

  • not being listened to,

  • other people becoming intense too.

MSK stresses that the extremely intense child should be taught the "Feeling Vocabulary" early on. You as the parent should name the pain - 'Oh, you seem so angry' and then prompt the child to explain how that feels inside. Then when that same feeling occurs, the child can correctly identify the feeling and your job is much easier. You know what to do.

PERSISTENCE - how easily can you stop an activity or shift your focus?

In order to be successful this type needs:

  • choices,

  • an opportunity to finish things,

  • to be included in the planning process.

This type is frustratedby:

  • no choices,

  • being forced to quit without being able to finish or find a stopping point,

  • plans or expectations not being considered,

  • being told "no".

With these types of children you must choose your battles wisely. This child has an expectation for his/her day. And this expectation may or may not coincide with yours. You must creatively problem solve with this child. Ask them questions, get feed back and follow through. Let them know well in advance and prepare them for a shift of focus.

SENSITIVITY - how aware are you of noises, temperature, tastes, textures and smells?

In order to be successful this type needs:

  • others to believe them (not to believe in them but to believe that what they feel or smell or taste is VERY REAL),

  • help reducing or eliminating irritating stimuli (i.e. tags, smells, lighting),

  • to take a break.

This type is frustratedby:

  • too much stimulation,

  • lack of understanding,

  • other's negating or minimizing one's sensitivity.

It is important to note that if your child scores a 5 or beyond in this category, Sensory Integration Dysfunction (SID) could be compounding the problem. This is now becoming a reality for a growing number of parents - their child is overly or acutely sensitive and these children do need Occupational Therapy (OT) or touch therapy to overcome SID. Many SKs would benefit from the practices of OT and if you do score 5 or beyond, please check out the book by Carol Stock Kranowitz called "The Out of Sync Child, Recognizing and Coping with SID".

PERCEPTIVENESS- does visual stimuli distract you?

In order to be successful this type needs:

  • a quiet, organized environment,

  • "visual" directions,

  • to recognize the link between perceptiveness and creativity.

This type is frustrated by:

  • the inability to process verbal instructions,

  • too many directions all at once,

  • no routines,

  • too much stimulation.

This child learns visually, they love to watch TV and need visual directions - i.e. "Jessica, I need you to get the backpack, do you know what the back pack looks like, ok now, picture where you left it last. Now go get it" or "Jessica, I need you to get the blue backpack with the shiny buckle. I see it over there on the floor by the red couch." After they have completed one task, then give them the second instruction. Never rattle off a laundry list of things to do, the child will do nothing while trying to picture it all and will probably just sit or stand there with a blank look on his/her face. They are also the children who notice changes in outdoor scenery, can spot the minute details of a picture and hone in on them almost obsessively. These children have powerful visual memories and are also the ones who will imitate people - i.e. when your 6-month-old saw Uncle Fred for the first time, he stuck his tongue out at her. Four months later, she sees Uncle Fred again and she sticks her tongue out at him.

REGULARITY- How regular are your eating/sleeping habits?

In order to be successful, this type needs:

  • flexibility,

  • routines,

  • predictability.

This type is frustrated by:

  • inflexibility,

  • time changes.

Now at first glance, you might say Flexible with a Routine? How so? They need to have a routine, you need to be flexible when their expectations for that routine change. This one is a real "hair-puller-outer!"

ENERGY - How active? Does this child constantly move or fidget?

This type needs:

  • opportunities to move,

  • to be able to touch things,

  • kinesthetic learning activities.

This type is frustrated by:

  • being inactive too long,

  • nothing "to do".

This child needs to release stress through activity. They cannot deal with sitting in front of a TV, cooped up when the weather is bad, staying at the table during the entire meal, long car trips...you get the idea. Set up your household with active alternatives. Get creative. Have him/her paint the house, involve and exploit (if you will) the child's inner NEED for movement.

FIRST REACTION- What is your first reaction when things/people/ideas/places are NEW?

This type needs:

  • time to watch first,

  • time to think and decide,

  • to recognize that the first reaction may not be the final decision.

This type is frustrated by:

  • NEW ANYTHING,

  • being pushed into trying new things,

  • not being allowed a second chance.

Of all of the traits, this one gets misinterpreted against the child almost 100% of the time. You who have kids like this are aware that when your child initially rejects something, the other people involved think that is the final answer and if this child is introverted also, this child gets left to watch or gets left behind. Prepare your child for the event or situation, practice the event, and teach the child to say, "Not Yet." instead of simply no.

Now take each of these traits and combine them with either the introvert or extravert nature and you can see where even individually, each one presents a huge hurdle. Combine them into pairs or add all of them up and you can see how the world may not get the best your child can offer or may not see the best your child can be.


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