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Dr. Sears, in conjunction with the Le Leche League, published this book nearly 2 decades ago. His words of kindness, accuracy, wisdom and solutions have been a comfort to all parents, but especially to those with High Needs Children. This book is no longer available as Dr. Sears has replaced it with The Fussy baby and High Needs Child. Join me in this summary of this book. The italicised words were written by the author. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Profile of a Fussy Baby - ...In the first few days or weeks after birth, parents begin to pick up on clues as to the temperament of their baby. Some parents are blessed with so-called easy babies. Others are blessed with babies who are not so easy and who receive a variety of labels---exhausting baby, colicky baby, demanding baby, and fussy baby...I prefer to call this special type of baby the HIGH NEED BABY. This is not only a kinder term, but it more accurately describes why these babies act the way they do and what level of parenting they need. So there you have it, why he chose the term high needs. And what a reassurance, that our "different" children are alike in some ways. And that we as parents are not alone with our High Needs Children. Dr. Sears goes on to describe the characteristics of high need babies. Here they are, with at times, some short explanations by the author. Supersensitive - High need babies are keenly aware of their environment. Intense - ...put a lot of energy into their behavior. Demanding - Mother of high need babies often feel, 'I just can't get to him fast enough.' I Just Can't Put Him Down - ...crave physical contact. He's Always on the Go Draining Uncuddly Unsatisfied and Unpredictible He Wants to Nurse All the Time - The term feeding schedule is not in this babies vocabulary Awakens Frequently - these superaware babies do not settle easily....'Why do high need babies need more of everything but sleep?' lamented a tired mother. Do these describe your child? They do both of mine! And boy do I relate to ALL of the characteristics. At one time or another we were shocked and amazed at how completely involved we had to be at every minute of the day. Where other babies we knew were content to just lay on the floor next to their mom. My children had to be sitting upright, held out in front so she could look around and God forbid something would happen out of her line of sight - she would just crane and scream until you showed her exactly what was going on. And I can't begin to describe the sheer pain while nursing in an active room - my nipples were stretched to unknown lengths by her whipping around to check out the action. Yikes!
Why babies fuss... Dr. Sears presents several intriguing options or suggestions or theories as to why babies fuss, I hope these make as much sense to you as they did for me... Nature vs. Nurture - One of the main purposes of this book is to illustrate how the care-giving environment can positively or negatively affect the temperament and eventual personality of the high need child. Goodness of Fit - The goodness of fit principle describes one of the most powerful influences on a child's temperament. The principle states that how a baby or child fits into his care-giving environment will affect the development of his personality positively or negatively. The Stimulus Barrier - ...fussy babies have and immature stimulus barrier. Missing the Womb High Need Level - ...Some babies are endowed with a high level of need.
Throughout this book my central hypothesis is that high need babies fuss and have demanding temperaments because they NEED to be that way. Being fussy and demanding has survival benefits for these babies. If they didn't fuss, their needs might not be met. Ok, for everyone, is this a DUH moment? As in "Oh, DUH, I get it now." I know it was for me.
Now for all of you who are wondering about intelligence and the high need child, here is Dr. Sears' take on the development of intelligence and how you can improve intelligence by doing one simple thing...MEET YOUR HIGH NEED BABY'S NEEDS. It is that simple. His hypothesis is - ...Perhaps babies with a high intelligence potential are designed to be demanding especially in a culture that advocates restrained responses to babies. The baby with an assertive temperament who also has a nurturing responsive caregiver has the best chance to achieve his maximum potential. If that last one didn't catch you eye - I don't know what will. Smarter babies and children by simply responding to their needs. I think I can do that. Though I know we are discussing high needs children well after the prenatal care or well after delivery, there is a section on preparation for children that is very interesting. At one point, he states, Parents will be able to meet the needs of their individual child, providing they can adopt a parenting style that allows their intuition to mature so they can become more sensitive to their baby's cues. This is the premise behind his term "ATTACHMENT PARENTING."
Chapter 4 of his book is a comprehensive CRYING GUIDE FOR NEW MOTHERS - accurate and sensitive information about crying, different types of cries and how to respond to each. The physical things that happen to both of your bodies when your child cries, and how to diminish the crying. The 5th chapter is on COLIC... "Colic is not a disease it is a syndrome...The colicky baby communicates this pain to his parents who feel as helpless as he does at determining the cause and alleviating the pain." Dr. Sears discusses the theories behind colic, the remedies and comfort tools used with infants who have colic such as abdominal relaxation techniques, pacifiers and suppositories.
Now on to the good stuff - SOOTHING YOUR FUSSY BABY -Yeah! Answers to those question about how and when and where to clam your child. And Dr. Sears does have a lot of answers. Moms of fussy babies LISTEN UP! Soothing techniques can be grouped into three general categories - 1. Rythmic Motion 2. Physical Contact 3. Soothing Sounds One of the things you may have noticed is that a rocking chair is not the answer. Sitting down is not what he or she wants you to do and that motion just riles them up even more. Here is why...Because a newborn baby's vestibular system is accustomed to constant stimulation in three dimensions, the ideal rocking motion for soothing a fussy baby contains movements on all three planes, side to side, back and forth and up and down.... a colic baby dance.... This dance or movement simulates the motion in the womb - that rolling rocking all around motion that babies love. But eventually, this is tiring. Some suggestions for alternatives are...Slings, swings (they now have ones with back and forth and side to side motion), car rides, trampolines, baby carriages (the "pram" types with the springs), moving attractions (ceiling fans, trees, waterfalls. Physical contact can include these things - A warm bath together ( I did this A LOT with my first), a warm fuzzy (placing a naked but diapered baby on dad's bare chest), massage, nestle nursing, lambskin, waterbeds, bending your baby. Some sounds that soothe would be - a metronome, a loud clock, recordings of heartbeats (those soothing bedtime bears), running water, vacuum cleaner or dishwasher, classical music.
Chapter 7 is all about FEEDING - breast or bottle and WEANING the high needs baby. Too much info to share here, but very informative and enlightening about weaning
The next two sections are about father involvement and how to avoid burnout...IMPORTANT. Fathering the Fussy Baby......In looking over the records of high need babies in my practice who have had a good outcome, one parenting style stands out above all others - a consistently involved and supportive father. The ways Dr. Sears feels a father can be most helpful are - Understanding the Sexuality of the new mother; Help at home; Respect the mother's sensitivity to the baby's cries; Avoid pressuring the new mother; be involved early in the process; communicate your commitment; sing to the baby; take over during high need times. And the most important quote in this section (IMHO) is - "The most important ingredient in parenting the high need baby - more important than breastfeeding, sleeping with the baby, responding to his cries - is a STABLE AND FULFILLING MARRIAGE." No matter what or how you choose to parent - as long as the two of you do it together, in relative harmony with love, things WILL TURN OUT FINE. A recent poll was taken on what was the most important thing in a family and what had the most profound impact on the children. Most respondents replied that putting your children first would have the greatest positive impact on them. However, what is really the most amazing and positive impact on your children is when you put your MARRIAGE FIRST. In avoiding burnout Dr. Sears has this to say, The mother and baby are designed to operate as a unit. The supply of energy needed for the mother to meet the baby's demands will be available as long as two conditions are met - 1. The mother is allowed and encouraged to operate in an environment which allows her intuitive mothering skills to develop...2.Other demands do not drain away the mother's energy. The Mother's stress test is included and a way to recognize early signs is added at the end...The earliest warning sign...of impending burnout is the feeling that you are not enjoying your child. This indicates that you and your child are not in harmony with each other. Harmony between parent and child is absolutely vital to achieving the real benefit of the attachment style of parenting - enjoying your child. There are also some survival tips that will lower your risk of burn out - Prepare yourself, Practice Attachment style of parenting, know your limits, be sensitive to each other in the marriage, define priorities, do something for yourself... Among others. Nighttime Parenting the Fussy/High Needs baby... Why they sleep differently - The stimulus barrier...babies have a stimulus barrier which enables them to block out unpleasant stimuli. One of the ways that most babies block out environmental stimuli is by falling asleep. High need babies have an immature stimulus barrier. Their sensory thresholds are lower; in other words you do not have to bother them much in order to get a reaction. Hunger, discomfort, cold and loneliness tend to awaken a high need baby easily, even though a baby with a higher sensory threshold may sleep through the same disturbances. Part of high need babies' increased sensitivity comes from being constantly aware of their environment. They are always tuned into and processing the delights of the world around them. Their radar systems don't shut down easily. This is why we chose to use the OT's suggestions to build up Emily's tolerance level for sound while sleeping and it has worked quite successfully. Sleep maturity...Another reason why high need babies sleep less is that they take longer to develop sleep maturity. Sleep routines... Nursing down, Nestle nursing, Sharing sleep, bedtime rituals. Discipline -Why are they more difficult to discipline?The temperament traits that may be an asset to the older high need child are the same ones that get the young child into trouble. Because these children are so intense, they go at things in a big way and tackle tasks that are beyond their developmental capabilities... Children are all capable of having tantrums, however the High needs child has a tantrum for an entirely different reason...The high need toddler wants to do more than he is capable to do. Tantrums are often a manifestation of a child's anger with himself and with the world around him. The toddler does not have the verbal skills to express and communicate his anger so he does so in actions. Where most children temper tantrum in situational stages i.e. 'I cannot have a cookie so I will yell.' High needs kids tantrum because they are not communicating their needs or wants effectively enough for you or anyone else to understand. They know they can't tell you and it makes them angry at themselves that they are so inept. Parents often confuse discipline with punishment...Toward the end of the first year, the parent's role as nurturer expands into that of an authority figure and designer of a safe environment. Haven't we all noticed a shift in focus around that stage of development? Realistic expectations -Disciplining the high need child requires that you have realistic expectations of what your child can cope with. I am ever reminding my DH that we need to structure our home to get the best results and teach the right lessons. There is not just one way to do that, we have a myriad of options that will accomplish the same thing and allow for our children to develop their own strengths. Spanking -...In my experience, high need children resist the effects of corporal punishment. Spanking is supposed to operate on the behavior modification principle of reinforcement - An undesirable action receives an undesirable reaction- a spanking. High need children often do not make the connection between the action and the response and as a result regard spanking as confusing and unfair...the consequences of some actions don't sink in with other children. They are not being willfully stubborn; they just don't get the message. Some ultra-sensitive children may not only fail to connect a spanking with the behavior, they may even connect its negative effect with the person giving it.
THE PAY OFF - The benefits of attachment parenting for high need children - 1. Enhanced Development - high need babies who are in harmony with their environment often reach developmental milestones sooner... 2. Giving Children - high need babies who are matched with giving parents become giving children... 3. Sensitivity - because high need babies have grown up in an environment where their caregivers were sensitive to their needs, they become children who are more sensitive to the needs of other children... 4. Feeling Right - when harmony is achieved between a high need baby and giving parents, a feeling of inner rightness overtakes the child and becomes part of his nature... 5. Direction - ...this is where the parents' perseverance in gentling their high need baby really pays off... 6. Fearlessness - parents often describe high need children as fearless because they have grown up in an environment where fear was avoided at all costs... 7. Trust - If you were to ask me to use one word to describe the high need baby who has grown up in a harmonious environment, I would choose the word 'trusting'... 8. Self Esteem - all of the above traits of high need children can be summed up by the term self esteem.
And for the parents - the benefits are - 1. Knowing the child better... 2. Greater acceptance... 3. Easier Discipline... 4. Enjoying the Child... 5. Modeling...
I did quote Dr. Sears in the passages that I felt were the most significant. Other parents who read the book will find things that really strike them. I couldn't reprint the book, so I did my best to edit. The books Dr. Sears has written - some with his wife, are all based on practical experience - the father of 5, a physician and a researcher. He is really the Dr. Spock for our generation in the sense that his all encompassing approaches and vast knowledge of a broad range in child related areas makes him an EXPERT. I hope you will find this book at the library, bookstore or an online offering. Share it with friends, family and your physician. The approach and advice are all worthy of consideration. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Thank you for joining us in the summary of The Fussy Baby ~now titled~ Parenting the Fussy Baby and High Needs Child by Dr.William Sears; published by Little, Brown and Company.
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