Siblings
What advice do you
have for getting an sk ready for having a sibling?
What problems came up? What were the best solutions?
***** My sk was just turning 2
when his brother was born, and it wasn't easy at all to
talk to him. He would never sit still for a conversation.
I remember I borrowed a couple of children's books on the
subject and read them every night. And I tried to get him
used to watching our neighbor nursing. After the birth, I
made a big fuss over him as the big brother but rarely
asked him to do things for the baby. He always wanted to
hold the baby, so I taught him to sit in the corner of
the couch and tried to always respond. We |
| *****M.
was 16 mos when A. was born. I guess I thought he was too
little to know what was happening. He seemed oblivious at
first, not even curious. But I remember that within the
first day or so, he came into the room while I was
nursing newborn A. He took one look and started crying,
and stamping his feet in a frantic little dance. He
couldn't even tell me how he felt, poor little guy! I had
postpartum melancholy (as opposed to actual depression)
and started crying too. I guess I always tried to include
M. in our "aura," but simultaneously thought A. deserved some exclusive time. Sometimes I wonder if some of their temperamental trouble is due to their having had to share their mom like they did, at their tender ages. When J. was born A. was 2, and this time I thought, they've already got each other, so this is just one more. I did get them each a little babydoll which they threw around and stepped on. Lately they like to remember how they came to see us at the hospital --but do they fondly remember their first glimpse of their adorable little baby brother? No! They remember that they ate green jello off my tray... |
| *****My
two are exactly 4 years apart. We started with getting
books (Arthur, Berenstein Bears) and videos (Arthur's
Baby and a Sesame St one). Pointed out all the babies we
saw and how little they are. Explained how babies don't
do much when they are born except sleep, cry, poop and
eat! He got a big kick out of hearing stories about when
he was a baby and showing him all the baby things that
used to be his. Showed him a lot of his own baby pictures. He was very excited about the whole thing, and really handled it well. We played up the "big brother" aspect a lot. Also, how big boys get to do some many things, but poor little baby is too small. We involved him whenever he asked, such as letting him pick out the diaper to use or to go fetch a bottle. We also kept his daycare routine the same while I was on maternity leave and made sure he had lots of special one on one time with both dh and myself. |
| *****At
the time T. was born, she was 2 1/2. When we took T.'s bmom to the hospital, we thought it was just for an exam and not for the "real thing". Little did we know. . . This was the hardest part for N. We hadn't told her that we would possibly be gone all night that night. Even though Grandma came to stay, for the next few times we had to leave N., she kept asking, "you're coming back, right?" My son is now 10 weeks old and my spirited daughter is 2 1/2. The first 10 days at home with the new little one were hell. In fact, we thought perhaps we had made a horrible mistake. DD was fine towards her new brother, but acted out towards us. Good news is now that everything has had time to settle, things are going smoothly and she really enjoys having a sibling. We too took our daughter to the hospital (didn't have cake--that is a wonderful idea) and she loved that. We had Grandma and Grandpa pick her up so she wasn't at the hospital all day. The hardest part for her was the fact that we were gone overnight and hadn't come home when she awoke. That seemed to scare her. She also had a doll and we practiced having a baby around and her helping and imitating. She also regressed with potty training (was fully potty trained) and we have now gotten that back on track. Going to bed was a little bumpy too, so get that routine in place. We did as much prep with her as possible; however, since we have built our family through adoption, this was a bit difficult. We were very cautious about letting her know a baby was coming because we had had an adoption plan fall through earlier in the year. Sometimes when both kids really need attention/help at same time, it can be stressful. When things are going poorly, it is tough--but when they are going great it is so much fun. So far, our son doesn't seem spirited but he is irregular with sleep and eating patterns. I have some toys that I use for only certain times (like feedings) to keep DD occupied. I also make an extra effort to do something hands on with her when brother is sleeping (like playdough). People brought gifts for dd too, but this was good and bad--she expected gifts from everyone and also got very overwhelmed. When DD arrived friends brought food (this was great), this time people didn't do that. I wish they would have, it helped when I didn't have the energy. I also stocked up my freezer and pantry with ready to use items (pizzas, rice mixes). I usually don't use a lot of that stuff, but hey, whatever it takes to keep things moving smoothly. Most importantly, cut yourself some slack over everything and cut everyone else the same amount of slack (like dh). Take people up on any offers of sitting, etc. Hang in there. |
| *****My
sk and his brother were really excited about the baby
(although they both complained that we got another boy-
they wanted a baby sister!). We did a lot of preparation,
reading a lot of books, watching videos (Arthur's new
baby is good), and I got them a doll to take care of.
They had thousands of questions which I tried to answer
as honestly and appropriately as I could. (Funny aside-
the boys asked my dh how did the baby get in mommy's
tummy? Dh, who is a physician, told them "It's magic" LOL He just couldn't handle explaining any of the biology to them. When they asked me, I gave them a very basic answer about a seed and egg getting together. Luckily they didn't ask how they get together!! They just recently got around to asking details about how the baby got OUT!) Oh, we also kept their day care/pre-school routine going while I was on maternity leave. |
| *****B.
(nearly 4 then) and I went out before D. was born and
bought a gift for "the Baby" from her. She then
felt she had something to give, like everyone else.
"The Baby" also bought her a surprise gift that
he gave her the first night she came to see him. She was
amazed that he knew she wanted a tea set. They bonded right away...and she had something to play with at the hospital. She also went to a sibling class, where they watched a video about babies, and got to dress and diaper a big, heavy, ugly newborn-type baby. The teacher took their Polaroid picture with that baby, for us to bring to the hospital. The class was right at the hospital, and they got to tour the birth center, etc. Good, especially for older kids. B. also continued to go to her daycare family very part-time, to keep her routine. I have heard that the best age for sibling readiness is three or older, that they are better able to "share" parents better then. |
| *****We did a sibling class too. He liked it more from the aspect of "what is a hospital?" and we explained this is where Mommy would be staying when the baby is born. We also taped a picture of him to the baby's bassinet in the hospital and he really thought that was a BIG DEAL. |
| *****I felt guilty that I couldn't give my second ds as much attention when he was an infant because the sk toddler was so needy. But, a neighbor helped me a lot at the time by commenting that the children are naturally going to have different infancies, not better or worse, just different. That really helped me to get over the guilt I had about not giving S. the same complete attention that R. had had. Different but not worse because having the older sibling (sk or not) is such a gift for the younger one as well and because we are wiser and calmer (well sometimes). |
| *****Adjusting
to having a baby with an SK for an older sibling was the
hardest thing I've ever had to do. I haven't worked since
before my oldest was born so I can't really help there.
I'm sure that makes things much more complicated.
For a while I had to make sure M. was occupied before I
took care of the baby. If that meant N. laid in his crib
and screamed for a few minutes, so be it. At least he
wasn't going to tear the whole room apart, like M. would
if I left him alone too long. I'm not sure that's the
best way to go, I often felt uncomfortable with it, but
usually it was the only thing I could think of. Once
M. was reading a book on the couch or eating a snack
in front of the TV, I could relax and take care of the
baby. I also worried that M. wasn't getting enough
attention. He probably wasn't, but I had a limited supply
of time and energy and I couldn't always help it. He managed to survive! I can tell you it gets easier! Both boys have gotten less needy as the months went by. N. can feed himself, which helps a lot. And M. is more able (or at least more willing) to find something to do on his own for a few minutes when I'm busy. We are working on patience, it is an ongoing struggle, but he has made a lot of progress. And I look forward to the day when they can play together and keep each other entertained. It's not that far away. |
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