Attributes We Adore

Funny thing, a word like TEMPERAMENT. Is it such an important part of parenting? Cuz when you type it in a search engine or ask at the library, the assumption is made that you are either training a dog, or are interested in whether your boss is an ENFP or an INTJ.

TEMPERAMENT. Why is it such a hard concept to understand from a parenting perspective when we accept it in other facets of our lives?  Some children are born with attributes, or TEMPERAMENT traits which make life with them very complicated and stressful. And rather than try to "beat the spirit right out of them", we propose you use those attributes to teach them. Just like a natural ability to play sports or for music, some children have a natural ability to be persistant or negative or empathic. As a parent it is important to help your child overcome and work through the traits which are difficult, building and guiding so their unique TEMPERAMENT is an asset to them and the world. It is our intent to direct our children through their TEMPERAMENT so that they may navigate successfully in society . (***)

What's in a Label ?

We like labels. We admit it.
And what is wrong with that? It matters less to us what category you or your physician chooses for your child, but rather that you use the category as a STARTING POINT. Begin with the textbook definition of that label and then GROW. Embrace the best of who your child is and BUILD. Continue to research and READ. Do not leave out the possibility of CHANGE. Expand on the label and demand MORE. Refuse to rest until you have met your child's NEEDS. Do not accept that this is the BEST your child can BE. Allow nothing to deter you from the goal of EMPOWERED PARENTING. (***)

Champion of My Heart by SST 

      Champion of my heart
Angel with hair of gold
Loving, laughing, living
Vibrant star shining bright
Oh little one what I wish for you
To always be true to yourself
To hold on to what you value
To keep your inner spirit alive   Champion of my heart
Help me grow my spirit
Show me how to live free
Tell me how you love and need me
Show me how to be me
Champion of my heart, I love you (***)  

Halloween ~ SK style!

A few days before, J (4 yrs old) announced that she and E (2 yrs old) would not be dressing up and that I was to "...find some alternative mom..." So I did. Family swimming night is Tuesdays, and they were PUMPED! Then on the Sunday before, a well meaning family friend discussed the Halloween thing with my kids. She told them she may have some cute costumes at her house and she would LOVE to take them with her girls if they really wanted to go (the implication being that I wasn't willing to do this for my own kids!?!).  So, J then decided that she would like to do both trick-or- treating and swimming.  I was NOT impressed.  Monday afternoon this mom calls and informs me that plans have changed and of course if we really insisted she would have her girls go twice to let our girls in on the fun but it would have to be between the hours of 3:15 and 4:45 since the plans she made really couldn't be broken because these were school friends and it would be more fun for her kids so if I could call her back and let her know what I would be doing with mine please. AAAAACK! Add to this that I had laryngitis and was NOT really interested in tromping around Northern Canada begging for food from strangers with a 2 and 4 yr old! But I digress...

I convinced the girls that they would be MUCH better off dressing up in mommy's silky nightgowns with high heels, putting on gaudy makeup and handing out the candy...'you get to see EVERYONE and BE IN CHARGE all at the same time.' Crisis averted.

But no, the dh comes home during the midst of the deal and asks in his stage whisper, "So, they don't get to go out this year, how disappointing for them?" To which the girls respond by throwing the bowl of candy at me - E then ran downstairs and stripped naked, J wailed that she wanted to go with the other kids and I just fumed at the d (not DEAR at this moment thank you very much) h.

So, in the end, I ended up infecting about 85 neighbour kids with my virus, J went to the 3 people we know in our neighbourhood with the dh and E ended up passing out naked on the basement floor in a sort of candy overdose-makeup allergy-satin induced- mini coma.

So, success was ours, but it was fleeting. ~ skmomx2 (***)

We have had a very spirited afternoon-- but maybe someone can learn from my sad tale :-)

Mitchell had an eye appointment this morning, usually a recipe for disaster, so I promised him if he was good I would take him to the park. To my delight he was very cooperative and we had an excellent appointment. So after lunch I took him to the park.

I had an appointment to talk with some ladies up at the church at 3:30, nothing urgent, but something I didn't want to reschedule. So I tried to plan our day so that after the park, we could run a couple of errands and then go straight over to my appointment. Mitchell doesn't usually have a lot of difficulty with transitions, but I do try to let him know what is going to happen, so I told him after the park we'd be going to the store.

The park was great, Mitchell played well with another kid there, and didn't even throw a fit when it was time to go. So off we headed to the store. However, on the way there, my 10-month-old fell asleep in the car. I realized when I saw him that he had missed his morning nap, and I hated to wake him up by dragging him to the store, so I told Mitchell plans had changed and we'd be going home for an hour.

I guess this was the day he decided to be bothered by transitions, because Mitchell threw a tantrum. By the time we got home, he was sobbing that he wanted to go get groceries. I took him in and turned on a video, hoping he would calm down while I put the baby down for a nap. In all the fuss, the baby woke up and wouldn't go back to sleep, so I was rather frustrated, feeling like I'd wasted a tantrum.

To make matters worse, by the time I got back to Mitchell, he had fallen asleep in front of the TV. He never naps, so this threw me. I let him sleep for a few minutes, but before long it was time to leave for my appointment. I was tempted to just leave him asleep, since it was only going to take 15 minutes, but I didn't feel good about leaving him in the house alone. My other option was to skip the appointment, but I didn't have any way to get a hold of the woman I was supposed to talk to, and I felt bad about leaving her hanging. So I went for door #3 and woke Mitchell up.

As you can guess, that was a mistake. I tried to pacify him with some animal cookies and juice, but then when I told him to eat them in the car he started screaming that he wanted to eat in the kitchen. I drove to the church listening to him scream the whole way. When we got out of the car, there was some construction going on next door, and he was momentarily fascinated enough to calm down. Success, I thought, until we tried to go inside and on the way he dropped one of his cookies.

So, in we went, and all heads turned as the door opened and my child's screams echoed through the hallway. I sat Mitchell down in a chair, found the woman I needed to talk to, and told her we'd have to make it quick. We talked for about five minutes, and then I went back to find Mitchell still sobbing, still clutching the cookies. Luckily, someone had brought chocolate cupcakes, so I was able to use one as a bribe and calm him down, for good this time.

We made it home, and I didn't even blink when Mitchell told me I needed to wash his cookies because they had "mud" on them (icing from the cupcake.) Better to waste a paper towel and hand him back a clean cookie, than risk another meltdown. Guess I learned my lesson. ~~Aimee
(***)

We were living overseas the year my high-strung son Robbie turned four and his younger brother Scotty was two.Their father was thousands of miles away in Washington, visiting every three months when work and finances allowed. I was starting to lose hope of living through the challenge.

The summer before Robbie’s birthday was traumatic. He had a few violent episodes, including scratching up another little boy’s face in rage at daycamp and hitting a younger boy on the forehead with a large rock at a small social gathering. Birthday parties and community events were becoming impractical. The noise and over-stimulation incapacitated Robbie – at one particularly large and noisy party, he was reduced to biting my hand to demonstrate how much he needed to leave

Robbie’s fourth birthday then ushered in what I came to call his obsessive stage. He became tormented by the fact our apartment number (17) didn’t match our parking space number (21). He was furious when he awoke on Tuesday and wanted it to be Wednesday. He sobbed one morning when the clock changed from 8:16am to 8:17am, and kept crying until I finally turned the clock back. Power struggles over food started anew - at this point he would eat nothing but canned meatballs (soon to be replaced by cheeseburgers) and apples and cereal. Robbie, during this period, would often refuse to leave the apartment because of the cold, or his fear of dogs, or his sudden dislike of the playground. Getting to the little store around the corner sometimes became the major accomplishment of the day. I never knew what would trigger a tantrum, and I never knew how to help him stop. Time outs didn’t work; I would have to spend the whole time clasping the door knob in order to keep him from coming out; he would just get angrier and more out of control. And Robbie had developed a horrid high-pitched scream that could drive me out of my mind. I would begin to scream back, sometimes spanking without even being aware of what I was doing. God knows what the neighbors thought.

This was a time of aching loneliness for me. I had a demanding job, needy small children, a third-world environment, and no family or close friends to help. I was drowning, but no one around me seemed to care. So, at night, I wandered around the Internet and found an on-line bulletin board community in which parents traded advice. I tried to ask for suggestions about Robbie and his temperament but few people would answer my heartfelt pleas for help – they couldn't relate to the challenging behavior I was describing. And then, one day, someone suggested I check out the Spirited Children’s bulletin board, a new site for parents of high needs kids. There, parents (mostly women) spoke of a new approach with more tolerance for the child’s idiosyncrasies, more appreciation for his strengths as well as weaknesses, and many more creative ideas for avoiding or tempering the tantrums. I took a mother-of-five’s advice and began to hug Robbie when he got out of control, instead of disciplining him. I immediately ordered Mary Sheehy Kurcinka’s “Raising Your Spirited Child” and counted the days for the book to wind its way across the ocean.

The day it arrived, I waited until the children were asleep, poured a glass of wine, propped myself against the bed pillows, and nervously opened to the introduction.I feared that this book, like so many others, would disappoint by being targeted to parents of calmer, happier, more typical children. But there in the introduction, I knew I had found help. I read about the author’s own search for other parents whose children would fall apart if someone else opened the door first, for other kids who would be tortured by the feel of the seams of their socks. The tears began to fall down my cheeks. Finally, I had found the right place.

In the subsequent year, net friends guided me to a whole set of parenting literature that describes Robbie’s temperament – his persistence, his intensity, his problem with transitions, his sensitivity to noise and crowds. The suggested parenting approaches boil down to the familiar ideas of keeping your cool, picking your battles and thinking positively about your child. The books talk of spirited kids, active-alerts, discoverers and dynamos, explosive children, difficult ones. They speak directly to us, parents who know that there is something very different about our pride and joy. The approach recognizes that the challenging behaviors are products of the child’s inner make-up, not transparent attempts to manipulate or upset their parents, not results of some terrible parenting errors. Try to understand these traits and value them, the books urge. Avoid the triggers, be flexible, use logical consequences, be creative and humorous. For me, and my very intense, strong willed child, this came down to letting go of the power struggles. I concentrated on listening to his needs and helping him to understand his own powerful emotions. I became more playful. We began to have time-ins on Sundays, in which I would get rid of all distractions and just spend the day with the children doing what they wanted to do. They loved it.

Gradually, during that year, my struggles with Robbie began to fade. At first, I thought it was a coincidence. Perhaps, we had just made it through a tough stage and the current calm had nothing to do with my changed approach. I soon learned otherwise. I had brought home a Christmas tree a week in advance of my husband’s arrival from the States. Robbie was upset because he knew the preparations for Christmas (in our interfaith household) were his father’s domain and he began to scream at me. When I lost my temper, Robbie looked up at me through his tears and said “Mommy, don’t! I want you to act the other way that you do when I get upset. Can’t you give me a cuddle? I gave him the hug that day and never looked back.

Robbie is now six. It seems incredible, but we have come so far from the day I anxiously opened “Raising Your Spirited Child” for the first time. Robbie is growing into a sensitive, reflective and always creative little boy. I feel so fortunate that I have been able to enjoy his spirited traits, instead of fighting them every step of the way. The positive approach has created the tightest of bonds between us. Each day he brings me his most inventive ideas and deepest sorrows, knowing that I will listen and care. Robbie’s tantrums are rare these days. He is blossoming in his first year of school and is developing the self-esteem I’ve always wanted for him. I know that new challenges and power struggles await around the corner, but for now I am happy and at peace. I feel that we have found the right path.