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By Stanley Turecki, MD This book is written by Dr. Stanley Turecki, a leading researching in the field of temperament. Dr. Turecki has written another book called Normal Children Have Problems Too. Join me in this summary of his book. The italicised words were written by the author. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ "PART ONE Do you have a difficult child? Family Questions...Answer Yes or No
Child Questions....Rate the child using this scale - 0= no problem; 1 = moderate problem; 2 = definite problem; 3 = extreme problem. 1)High Activity Level - Very active, restless fidgety;always into things;makes you tired; "ran before walked"; easily overstimulated; gets wild or revved up; impulsive, loses control, can be aggressive; hates to be confined. 2)Distractibility - Has trouble concentrating and paing attention, especially if not really interested; doesn't "listen"; tunes you out; daydreams; forgets instructions. 3)High Intensity - Loud and forceful whether miserable, angry, or happy. 4)Irregularity - Unpredictable. Can't tell when he/she will be hungry or tired; conflict over meals and bedtime; wakes up at night; moods are changeable; has good or bad days for no obvious reason. 5)Negative Persistence - Stubborn; goes on and on nagging, whining or negotiating if wants something; relentless, won't give up; gets "locked in"; may have long tantrums. 6)Low Sensory Threshold - "Sensitive"- physically not emotionally; highly aware of color, light, apearance, texture, sound, smell taste or temperature (not necessarily all of these); creative but with strong and unusual preferences that can be embarrassing; clothes have to feel and look right, making dressing a problem; doesnt't like the way many foods look, smell, or taste; picky eater; bothered and overstimulated by bright lights and noisy settings; refuses to dress warmly when the weather is cold or dresses too warmly when the weather is hot. 7)Initial Withdrawl - Shy and reserved with new people; doesn't like new situations; holds back or protests by crying or clinging; may tantrum if forced to go forward. 8)Poor Adaptability - Has trouble with transition and change of activity or routine; inflexible, very particular, notices minor changes; gets used to things and won't give them up; has trouble adapting to anything unfamiliar; can want the same clothes or foods over and over. 9)Negative Mood - Basically serious or cranky; doesn't show pleasure openly; not a "sunny" disposition. What your rating means... A family "Yes" score of 0-1 and a Child score of 3-5 would indicate there are some difficult features. A family "Yes" of 2-3 and a Child score of 6-12 would indicate you have a Difficult child. A family "Yes" of 4-5 and a Child score of 13 or more points would indicate you have a Very Difficult child. Some children are born Difficult...
There are a few facts all parents of difficult children should know. 1)Difficult Children are Normal. They are not emotionally disturbed, mentally ill or brain damaged. Difficult is very different than abnormal from a medical standpoint. 2)Difficult children are like this because of their innate makeup. We all have an inborn temperament. No one asks for certain traits, it is not their fault. 3)Difficult children are hard to raise. 4)Difficult children are NOT all the same. The temperament and traits will vary from child to child even within a family. 5)Difficult children make their parents feel angry, inadequate or guilty. And these feelings lead to ineffective discipline. 6)Difficult children can create marital strain, family discord, problems with siblings and end up with emotional problems of their own. OR, OR, OR 7)Difficult children can become positive, enthusiastic, perhaps even especially creative individuals if they are well managed when young.
The goal of Turecki's book is to teach you how to establish your home, how to manage typical conflict situations and how to assist the child to grow in a healthy, positive, consistent environment. He specifically stresses that early intervention and early adjustments are the key to avoiding larger issues. His method and approach are whole family oriented with more emphasis on the family interaction and interfamily support. He also addresses how to enlist support from schools, doctors and other parents.
PART TWO Before we go too much further, I think it is time to address the issue of sexism in Dr. Turecki's book. IMHO, the reader who sees him as sexist, is missing the point of his writing. For four reasons...1)He is the father of a "Difficult Child" who had a SAH wife. Therefore, his personal perspective will be from that vantage point. 2)He is the leading researcher in his field and the majority of the research was done in the mid 80s. In his studies, he asked for parents and children to participate...the vast majority of respondents were mothers and children. Not that the fathers were not there for parts of it, but the mothers were the ones directing the study and very diligent in exposing him to their lives. 3)His very wife was and is the keynote speaker when they discuss temperament/traits with the medical community, her take on the home life was essential to communicate and as such, he gave her the most time on the docket. 4)His discussion of the mother being the primary caregiver is essentially accurate. WAHM, WOHM, SAHM, Blue moms, green moms...we all have been given the innate ability to CARE for our children. It is unique to women and though men do take on the household and do well in the child-related fields, it is the mom who instinctively knows what is typical or atypical behavior. We just simply know when something is not right. It is this connection to our children that makes us the primary caregiver, whether in body or soul. This is no offence to fathers...they care also and their role in the household is Equally important, just different than the mother's. I hope I have not offended anyone. I simply do not see the malice or demeaning words in Dr. Turecki's writing. He is a man writing as a father who researched his subject using primarily mothers. Nothing more than that. I have taken a few of the subchapters to discuss. In no way is this the entirety of the book. The examples from real families, the explanations/descriptions of terms, and details pertaining to discipline are important. THE CONCEPT OF FIT ...In this area, he discusses the importance of a good emotional and behavioral fit with the child. What may seem like extraordinary circumstances in one family will be just another day in the next. This is because of fit. If you say things like, "I love her, I just don't like her"...there may be a fit issue.
GOOD ENOUGH PARENTING ...this concept has long been held by the mental health community...you are a good enough parent to the child based on the relationship you have with that child. Both of you contribute to the relationship, giving you a unique take on your parenting. POWER STRUGGLES AND THE VICIOUS CIRCLE ...Engaging in negative interaction based on the poor "fit" and too high expectations for your roll as a parent with this particular child, will lead to a never ending circle. WHY IS HE/SHE DOING THIS TO ME? ...The biggest problem with ascribing motives to a difficult child's behavior, is that none exist. The behavior is temperament based. INEFFECTIVE DISCIPLINE ...When you ascribe motives to the behavior, you invariably end up punishing or disciplining for that behavior...unfairly expecting the child to go against inborn nature. The most frustrating thing about discipline is that difficult children PROVOKE ineffective discipline because it is hard to separate the action from the temperament. There is also no need for constant battles...establishing effective discipline is merely changing the habits you have formed around your child's behavior. The child has a habit of doing 'x' and you have a habit of responding with 'y'. Change your response to 'z' and end the 'x' behavior. What Happens to the MOTHER(a.k.a. the primary caregiver)? ... The response from the mother or primary caregiver has many elements. Firstly you must take into account the degree of difficulty in the child and then gauge the response from there. 1)Bewilderment...when your child is inconsistent in his or her temperament and responses, you may struggle to find a way to predict behavior. 2)Exhaustion...some kids need constant management, some never sleep through the might, others are a part of a large family or may be one of several difficult children. And also, you may be over-managing the situation, with no real change in the child's behavior. 3)Anger...need I elaborate? 4)Guilt...due to the anger and the exhaustion and the bewilderment, then throw in the super-moms in the neighborhood or the MIL who raised 5 kids with no help from anyone or the doctor who insists there is "Nothing wrong with your child Mrs. Smith but how are things at home?" 5)Embarrassment...When the waitress gives you that look, or the bus driver asks you to get off one stop early or the grocery checker sighs that sigh. 6)Inadequacy...Again with the MIL and her parenting 1, 2, 3. The comparisons with other moms who seem fit and happy and their kids are clean and well, they get a chance to really enjoy the day at the park because they have a child who plays so nice. The sand doesn't itch them, the sun is not too hot, the monkey bars are not too high and the color of the seat on the swing doesn't seem to matter. 7)Depression...situational and clinical. Both need assessment and both can lead to other physical problems. 8)Isolation...because of the Embarrassment factor and the inadequacy thing, we SK moms tend to shy away from things or conversely, we are not invited to events because of past problems with our dear ones. 9)Victimization...As you lose the effectiveness or even just lose the feeling of effectiveness, your child seems to have all of the power, leaving you a victim of his/her circumstances. 10)Lack of satisfaction...the little things that delight so many of your friends seem to elude you because you are caught up in this cycle of DO, DO, DO and see little return on your efforts. 11)Feeling Trapped...Raising children is hard enough, raising a difficult one can make you feel like there is no way out and no end to the parenting struggles. 12)Over-involvement...Extremely common in SK moms, you feel you are the only one who understands and are the only one who can meet your child's needs. This becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, and leads to a false perception of your roll in the child's life.
All of this, combined with the day to day muck, contributes to the feeling that you, the primary caregiver, are under siege and the enemy is your own child.
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