The Difficult Child This is the FINAL SECTION summary of this book by Dr. Stanley Turecki. This book has been updated and re-printed. Get the new copy! The italicised words were written by the author. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ THE RIPPLE EFFECT ...The relationship with the primary caregiver is not the only one to be examined, there are others that are impacted, both through contact with the primary caregiver and the child. Again, I have chosen a few examples...there are many more and some great dialogue too.
FATHERS AND THE MARRIAGE... 1)The father may feel shut out...as you delve further into the relationship you have with your Difficult child, you become obsessed with the behavior and the strategy, leaving the secondary caregiver ignored. 2)The father questions what the mother is doing...You all have had a certain amount of "Is this really necessary?" Because the father is not a witness to the day to day struggles, he can seem callous or uncaring, but he is not "educated" as to the temperamental whims your child has. This leads to blame and undermining the support a mother needs---and marital discord. 3)The mother has no energy for the father...This is my home to a tee. After being the sole caregiver for my two SKs, I have nothing left for him...I like to say, "I have been sucked on, drooled on, slept on, cried on, hugged on, and generally been physically accosted by the two of them and you want more of the same?! Forget it, I need a bath and a book and my bed...ALONE" 4)The mother can become jealous of the father's relatively conflict-free relationship with the child...Because I spend all day with my children, there is simply more opportunity for us to become locked in to that vicious circle type behavior. When my DH comes home, he has none of that built up resentment and none of those built up responses, so it seems to me that he has a better relationship with them. Not necessarily true, he just has a less conflict-ridden relationship with them. A fact I am quick to point out, "They are not the same with me!" When you have a WOHM, this relationship is still present. They are the ones tending to the emotional needs of the child (generally speaking) and will be the first ones the child challenges.
Other pressures on the parents include - Young Marriages; Personal Problems and Illness; In-law troubles; Financial or Job pressures; the "golden couple" syndrome; Expectations of parenthood.
He has a section on WOHMs that is really intriguing...I was a nanny for awhile and the WOHM I worked for would discuss with me her feelings about my role in the family. She was candid about her job and what it gave her but also about what I gave her kids. His take on this is that when the Caregiver-child relationship is good, the WOHM may feel resentful. Reason being that the Primary Caregiver does set the expectations for the response to the behavior and the mom will have to go along with it. If the Caregiver-child relationship is poor, the WOHM may feel guilty. She may feel the behavior is her fault for not being at home and we all know this is not true. She may also struggle with the negative feedback about her children.
PART THREE Many of the principles and techniques that Dr. Turecki uses, are part of his ongoing programs at his clinic in NYC and at Beth Israel Hospital . His core philosophy in this section is based on the belief that most parents can significantly alter their attitudes and behavior through EDUCATION. Undertaking his program in the book will first change your thinking and ways of reacting. You will then learn certain principles and techniques for managing your home. There are 5 elements to the program. 1) Evaluation - defining the Problem 2) Regaining Adult Authority by learning to disengage, become neutral, to think and evaluate before you respond, to understand the behavior and to replace the feeling that you are a victim of the behavior 3) Management Techniques 4) Family Guidance 5) Support Groups The 5 day study period discussed in his book, can be tailored to your particular situation, but he uses 5 days, to give you a better view of your life. And isn't 5 days, really a drop in the bucket compared to the waterfall of the last 3 years? During the 5 day period you should simplify your life, schedule a lot of time for parental discussions, keep detailed notes in a special notebook based on the questionnaires, and back away from ineffective and excessive punishments.
The first part is determining the behavioral profile of your child, based on these types of behavior, you should list descriptions or examples of your child's actions. -Defiant; -Resistive; -Inattentive; -Stubborn; -Shy; -Particular; -Complaining; -Interrupting; - Intrusive; -Verbally Angry; -Bad Manners; -Selfish; -Wild Behavior; -Impulsive; -Physically Aggressive; - Temper Tantrums. The next step is to put together your child's type of behavior (see above list and your personal examples) with the situations or settings in which it occurs. Feel free to make up a list of times, places, situations that apply. Some examples would be...Getting up in the morning, while playing with friends, while interacting with siblings, mealtimes and food...you get the idea. Now you should draw up a temperamental profile of your child, using Dr. Turecki's or MSKs descriptors...High Activity Level, Distractibility, High Intensity, Irregularity (as opposed to MSK, he believes these kids have unpredictable internal clocks/alarms), Negative Persistence, Low Sensory Threshold, Initial Withdrawl, Poor Adaptability, Negative Mood. You will rate your child on a scale of very difficult, moderately difficult and mildly difficult. The next step is to relate the temperamental profile to the behaviors. On your Behavioral Profile, place a T next to the issues that are temperamentally related. After that, he goes on to discuss the issues related to the family, he has questions on the effect your child's temperament has, the wear and tear on the family and effective discipline...the one that really strikes a chord here is the question , Do you and your spouse react very differently to the same behavior? Hmmmm. The final part of the Evaluation Period has to do with the Relevant Behavior List. You need to draw up a list of behaviors that are TRULY UNACCEPTABLE. Each parent should draw up their own list and you should compare. Be as specific as possible and focus on behavior. Then after comparing them, come up with a final list of AT THE MOST 5 OR 6 BEHAVIORS THAT YOU BOTH AGREE HAVE TO BE CHANGED. The point of all of the test taking is...to know the kinds of behavior that trouble you, where and when those behaviors occur, the underlying temperamental issues, whether or not the rest of the family is effected, whether your child shows signs of the wear and tear, exactly how ineffective your discipline may be, and the behaviors that BOTH parents feel are truly relevant and both should take a stand on. Try to remember the golden principle - The more Authority you have, the less you will need to punish. Effective discipline is a two part plan - Planned Actions and Reactions. Planned actions are shared with the child and are not to take place during the heat of the moment. Reactions are on the spot responses. Again, he emphasizes strategic discussions between the parents - away from the children and having an agenda and a problem-solving attitude. What my parents called, "THE UNITED FRONT." The importance of rules:There is no magic "Right Way". Each family operates on a different assumption and from a different perspective, so there is no WAY that works across the board. The only basic rule Dr. Turecki discusses, and I quote.....there is one clear rule that I do recommend. Make sure there is a clear definition of privacy in your home. In many families the children have unlimited access to the parents - they are allowed to intrude into adult conversations, into the parents' bedroom, even into the bathroom. This is surely wrong. Especially in a family where a difficult child is too dominant, some clear rules regarding privacy need to be established. As a parent you are entitled to go into your bedroom, or at the very least into the bathroom, close the door, and be alone. conversely, depending on your child's age, he/she too is entitled to privacy. I agree. As long as your child is safe, you are entitled to privacy - what we call "Mommy Time Outs." I know it is impossible to go to the bathroom alone all of the time when you are alone with your toddler, but as they reach preschool age, it is imperative for SKs to see that boundaries can be positive. Structure and Routines- difficult children invariably do better if they know what is expected of them. Routines are a way to harness that persistence. They will develop good habits of persisting to keep the routine. He goes on to discuss the better routines and the expectations for the routines. Rewards are fine as long as they follow some basic principles... they are planned, they come from a neutral place or a thinking mode, it is given after the completion of the act, it is for BEHAVIOR and not attitude (never for being "good"), the reward should be specific and not vague. Effective reactions should be based in neutrality, never should you respond emotionally or instinctively, focus on the behavior not the mood, do not take anything personally. Ask yourself these things...is this temperament based?...is it on the relevant list? Be clear about rules and consequences, make your punishment symbolic of the lesson you should be teaching, punish only for behavior. Be brief, be firm, don't negotiate, don't warn too much, be practical and be focused. PART FOUR The Expert Response... The sequence of steps in the expert response to any difficult, negative, or obnoxious behavior goes like this... 1)Can I deal with it now? 2)Become the leader 3)"Frame" the behavior 4)Is it temperament? 5)Is it relevant? 6)Effective Discipline/Punishment He has an awesome decision tree for parents that I wish I could reprint...suffice it to say, it is so clear and should be posted on the refrigerator door! After listing the steps, he goes into every day home and away from home examples using the steps and explaining the reason behind the different approaches based on the behavior and temperament issues. PART FIVE The FIRST YEAR... With the difficult toddler or preschooler or older child, the parent child vicious cycle is evident. With the relationship between an infant and parent, the cycle has not yet begun. The parent is usually aware of a difference in his/her child and is ready to ask, "What is wrong with my child?" before asking, "What is wrong with me?" (most parents attribute and older child's behavior problems to bad parenting styles rather than to what it is - a TEMPERMENT ISSUE). The traits that occur most frequently during the first year are IRREGULAR RHYTHMS, HIGH ACTIVITY LEVEL, NEGATIVE MOOD, HIGH INTENSITY and LOW SENSORY THRESHOLD. The next most common are Initial Withdrawl and Poor Adaptability. Distractibility and Persistence are not evident quite so early. He does continue with some suggestions for handling the temperament issues, but he is not comprehensive in this area...it is a small chapter. I highly recommend the books by DR. SEARS for those under 18 months old. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Thank you for joining us in this summary of The Difficult Child by Dr.Stanley Turecki; published by Bantam Books.
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